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INFPs: What's your love language?

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#21 ·
10 Words of Affirmation
7 Physical Touch
7 Quality Time
5 Acts of Service
1 Receiving Gifts

Here's an amusing conundrum that you might find amusing. This might be a textbook INTJ thing or a textbook Melancholy thing, but I'm really bashful about receiving praise, even when it's deserved. At the same time, it's something that I really need in order to feel purposeful. Or rather, to feel that I'm actually "actuating" my sense of purpose. A form of reciprocation, maybe, assuming that my "purpose" at that moment involves service toward others (which it usually does). I have a pathological need to feel useful (probably also a textbook Melancholy trait). Being neglected is painful for me. Being unjustly criticized is painful too. Not sure which hurts more, but I can usually hide the hurt with my offbeat humor. Being constructively criticized is fine, but being praised and recognized for something positive turns me into this.

Image


This principle is applicable regardless of the scenario (workplace, relationship, social, etc.). And it doesn't matter who's doing the praising. Guy, gal, friend, co-worker, boss, et cetera. Guess I'll have to get used to letting myself feel vulnerable.
:blushed:
It's an on-going adventure.
:proud:
 
#23 ·
I've avoided answering this prompt because I don't feel like self-scoring on this test!

Quality time is the way you build and sustain a relationship with me. It is my most important love language. I am good at speaking and understanding this language. I don't have to explain this very much.

Words of Affirmation are how I know what you think of me. I can see implications all over the place, but the words you say are real thoughts from your heart. Oddly, I'm terrible at giving and receiving words of affirmation. I can give compliments and flirt and give credit, but I can't really say "I love you" to the ones I love. When I receive Words of Affirmation, I must turn my heart to stone for the duration of the message or I will have an emotional freak-out and weep for hours and hours. Something that always gets me is when someone apologizes to me for the way they wronged me. And if someone says they were thinking about me or missed me. I think these affect me so because I never imagine that anyone would ever think this way towards me, and it's always a huge surprise, and I never deserve it.

Acts of Service is like giving people the gift of me. I am pretty good at speaking this language, but I don't always go extremely out of my way. People ask me for favors, and if I can do them, I will. I can do more for other people than I can for myself, and it makes me feel good to do it. I'm bad at receiving acts of service because no one sees what I need. I don't tell them, so nobody knows. I try not to complain about petty things. And if someone did do an act of service for me, I would overlook it because they wouldn't have done it just for me.

Giving Gifts: I love the gift of food I didn't have to pay for. I like getting gifts because they are safe surprises. I like giving gifts too. I'm often moved to donate money or supplies to different causes. I like to be inspired by something I see and then give it to someone. I do the old-fashioned thing of bringing the party host a gift. I'm attracted to pretty stationery, so that's something I like to give to people. I don't like having to find gifts for people on gift-giving holidays, but I do like receiving them.

Physical Touch is my last one. Yeah, physical touch is nice and necessary, and I love cuddles and sexy-time, and I want so much of it with my significant others, but I don't need someone to literally pat me on the back to show that they like me. It's pretty annoying, actually. I don't have a clear connection to my brain through my body because I think too much. I give people hugs when they are the hugging type of person, and I give good hugs and tender massages, etc., but it doesn't have to mean anything at all to me, no matter who it comes from or who it goes to.
 
#25 ·
9 Physical Touch
7 Receiving Gifts
6 Acts of Service
4 Quality Time
4 Words of Affirmation

To be fair I'd say it's physical touch then the rest are pretty much equal. I absolutely adore hugs and kisses <3
 
#29 ·
10 Quality Time
7 Physical Touch
6 Words of Affirmation
5 Acts of Service
2 Receiving Gifts

The test kinda irritated me with the repetitive questions that have little distinction between each other, although that may have been a way to confirm our answers. Still annoying though.
 
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#30 ·
Judson Joist said:
10 Words of Affirmation
7 Physical Touch
7 Quality Time
5 Acts of Service
1 Receiving Gifts

Here's an amusing conundrum that you might find amusing. This might be a textbook INTJ thing or a textbook Melancholy thing, but I'm really bashful about receiving praise, even when it's deserved. At the same time, it's something that I really need in order to feel purposeful. Or rather, to feel that I'm actually "actuating" my sense of purpose. A form of reciprocation, maybe, assuming that my "purpose" at that moment involves service toward others (which it usually does). I have a pathological need to feel useful (probably also a textbook Melancholy trait). Being neglected is painful for me. Being unjustly criticized is painful too. Not sure which hurts more, but I can usually hide the hurt with my offbeat humor. Being constructively criticized is fine, but being praised and recognized for something positive turns me into this.

Image


This principle is applicable regardless of the scenario (workplace, relationship, social, etc.). And it doesn't matter who's doing the praising. Guy, gal, friend, co-worker, boss, et cetera. Guess I'll have to get used to letting myself feel vulnerable.
:blushed:
It's an on-going adventure.
:proud:
Click to expand...
This is off topic but i have a question for you, since you brought up a topic about intj (or potentially melancholy) trait.

Me being infp and also MelSan (melancholy -sanguine), i love giving compliments or praises where it's due. I don't give them to all people i meet or all the time. I compliment when there's something commendable.

The problem is intjs (or probably melancholics) are soooo service oriented. I want to believe that it's something conscious that you guys do though probably it's just hoe you guys are wired as people. So with that, it's like i can see commendable things about you guys almost everyday. I am not a very "specific" writer, i.e. Sometimes i write in abstract, general terms than being very specific and hence i sometimes ended up saying the same things / compliments over and over again, though i believe that there's always something new.

How do you respond to that? Do you get pissed off? I received a comment that i am already being overly dramatic and i think i may had pissed off the intj a little. How do i draw the line? I am always showing myself or at least the closest to being myself with people i trust so sometimes i don't really analyze / assess my actions towards others. Should i tone down and repress the amazement i feel and refrain from giving praises?

Thanks [emoji4]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#31 · (Edited)
Kenkao said:
Mel-San (Melancholy-Sanguine)
Click to expand...
I'm Mel-Phleg (Melancholy-Phlegmatic). Most INTJs are Melancholy-Choleric.

I love giving compliments or praises where it's due.
Click to expand...
Me too!
:proud:
I compliment when there's something commendable.
Click to expand...
Same here.

The problem is INTJs (or probably melancholics) are soooo service oriented.
Click to expand...
It's true!
:happy:
I want to believe that it's something conscious that you guys do
Click to expand...
It is.

it's just how you guys are wired as people.
Click to expand...
That's true too.

I can see commendable things about you guys almost everyday.
Click to expand...
Aaaw!
:blushed:
same...compliments over and over again
Click to expand...
Oftentimes, the same phrases are applicable to multiple scenarios. Anyway, it's only natural. Imagine how hard it would be to come up with something different each and every time.

How do you respond to that?
Click to expand...
Something like this.

Image


I try to force myself to not blush but fail miserably. Either that or I put on a huge Cheshire Cat grin like this.

Image


But on the inside, I'm trying not to cry.
:blushed:
Do you get pissed off?
Click to expand...
No! Never! It would never occur to me to do so! It wouldn't matter what the words of affirmation were, just that they were presented at all. It wouldn't matter if they'd already been said before, especially if their truth was re-applicable in another scenario.

I received a comment that i am already being overly dramatic
Click to expand...
Don't worry about it.

I think I may have pissed off the INTJ a little.
Click to expand...
They should get a handle on that since it doesn't make sense to spurn needful praise.

How do I draw the line?
Click to expand...
I don't have any specific advice for that at this juncture.

I am always showing myself or at least the closest to being myself with people I trust so sometimes I don't really analyze/assess my actions towards others.
Click to expand...
Don't ever feel that you should have to second-guess yourself. Just be yourself and come as you are.

Should I tone down and repress the amazement I feel and refrain from giving praises?
Click to expand...
No way! Contrariwise, maybe we need to be less bashful about it (or less hostile for some apparently). Either that, or we should let ourselves be vulnerable to affirmation, even if we melt inside and turn into hajideres (which only makes certain lovey people, especially ENFPs and empaths, want to squish us more).
:tongue:
 
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#33 ·
12 Quality Time
6 Receiving Gifts
5 Acts of Service
5 Words of Affirmation
2 Physical Touch

Gift giving can be a powerful method of showing love, but only if the gift is thoughtful and effortful. A gift card for the sake of fulfilling a norm on christmas doesn't mean much, but a random, loving token means a lot. It means 'I know what you would appreciate and I think about you when you aren't here.'
 
#34 ·
Birbsofafeather said:
12 Quality Time
6 Receiving Gifts
5 Acts of Service
5 Words of Affirmation
2 Physical Touch

Gift giving can be a powerful method of showing love, but only if the gift is thoughtful and effortful. A gift card for the sake of fulfilling a norm on christmas doesn't mean much, but a random, loving token means a lot. It means 'I know what you would appreciate and I think about you when you aren't here.'
Click to expand...
I will agree with this.
I know I scored like a zero on gifts, but it's not like I don't like them at all.
Not long after we got married, a pastor friend told my husband that the secret to a happy marriage was to get me little gifts every day or so. And he did. Flowers, candy, cards, jewelry etc, which was nice but not something I'd want for myself.
The best thing my husband has ever gotten me was when I was complaining about not having a place to put all of my books and he hand built me bookshelves. (which could arguably be considered an act of service as well).
 
#35 ·
Judson Joist said:
10 Words of Affirmation
7 Physical Touch
7 Quality Time
5 Acts of Service
1 Receiving Gifts

Here's an amusing conundrum that you might find amusing. This might be a textbook INTJ thing or a textbook Melancholy thing, but I'm really bashful about receiving praise, even when it's deserved. At the same time, it's something that I really need in order to feel purposeful. Or rather, to feel that I'm actually "actuating" my sense of purpose. A form of reciprocation, maybe, assuming that my "purpose" at that moment involves service toward others (which it usually does). I have a pathological need to feel useful (probably also a textbook Melancholy trait). Being neglected is painful for me. Being unjustly criticized is painful too. Not sure which hurts more, but I can usually hide the hurt with my offbeat humor. Being constructively criticized is fine, but being praised and recognized for something positive turns me into this.

Image


This principle is applicable regardless of the scenario (workplace, relationship, social, etc.). And it doesn't matter who's doing the praising. Guy, gal, friend, co-worker, boss, et cetera. Guess I'll have to get used to letting myself feel vulnerable.
:blushed:
It's an on-going adventure.
:proud:
Click to expand...
I think maybe.
I know with my best friend he gets either REALLY bashful or overly analytical in that he wants to know WHY you are praising him, even though he likes the praise. So it's either bashful blushing ball of goo or wanting to pick apart everything you say.
Although, I joke that our love language is playful insults. Which is also how I'll often preface compliments to him.
 
#36 ·
Hellena Handbasket said:
bashful blushing ball of goo or wanting to pick apart everything you say.
Click to expand...
This is the best I could find of this scene from 'The IT Crowd'. It's dubbed, but just ignore that.


A bit more of that takes place just after that part.

 
#39 ·
10 - Quality Time
7 - Words of Affirmation
7 - Physical Touch
4 - Receiving Gifts
2 - Acts of Service

Makes sense. For me there's nothing quite like actually being together, in both a physical and mental sense at the same time. I get upset if I go too long without experiencing them in person.
 
#40 ·
11 Physical Touch
10 Quality Time
6 Words Of Affirmation
3 Acts of Service
0 Gifts

I don't want things that will break or get lost or something, instead give me a hug or sit down with me and talk about the things you love.
 
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