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My INFP Girlfriend Cries TOO MUCH!!

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swedish_entx

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Discussion starter · #1 ·
I am ENTx, I've been with my girlfriend (INFP) for 2 months now.

I am working hard from home at the moment from my computer, and my girlfriend constantly keeps crying...and disturbs me.

It was a time I was accepting towards this behaviour (since her dad passed recently) but now it has gone too far.

Sometimes I accidentally snaps at her, and she cries even more. This keeps happening a lot, at least once or twice a week.
I want to ask you fellow INFP:s how long this process takes? Will it stop soon? I need to focus on my work and the constant crying in the other room disturbs me.

Even when I plug in my earphones and listen to music, just the thought of her crying in the other room goes on my nerves. I lose concentration, I cannot focus and I am not able to take steps needed for me to climb the ladder in my career.

When I first met my girlfriend at the bar, she was okay but now something is broken. What can I do to make this absurd hysteria stop?

Thanks for the advice.
 
#2 ·
I'm an ISTP which I assume you already know from my post. I lost my ex because of snapping so make sure you don't do the same mistake as me. I ignored a lot of signs my ex gave me because I wasn't very considerate. What you need to is to sit down with her and try to talk to her about it without attacking her. Have her help you understand what's wrong. There is no time frame for that. Tell her that your work is important, but you care for her well being and that you want to help. It's important that she knows you're there for her and are listening to her.

INFPs don't care about logic, it's more about how you make them feel. She needs you to be her safe space, but also needs to understand that you have work and other life chores. Sit down with her and take it slow. Understanding and listening to each other is everything.

Good luck:)
 
#3 ·
Is this a serious thread?

Is the crying about the passed father or other things, or depression? People grieve differently, I don't know how long it has been and I am no expert on grief, but perhaps see if you can help her find a grief counselor or something like that if it has been long and she is not able to handle it herself?

If it is more general, if she is depressed to the point of crying every day, it sounds like she needs help of some kind too.

(and I don't think crying all day, every dayis related to being infp at all, I almost never cry for example, some infps are more expressive with emotion and some keep it inside.)
 
Discussion starter · #4 ·
attic said:
Is this a serious thread?

Is the crying about the passed father or other things, or depression? People grief differently, I don't know how long it has been and I am no expert on grief, but perhaps see if you can help her find a grief counselor or something like that if it has been long and she is not able to handle it herself?

If it is more general, if she is depressed to the point of crying every day, it sounds like she needs help of some kind too.
Click to expand...
A very serious thread, I am afraid. The idea of a grief councelor sounds interesting! Do you have any experience hiring one? You know if they are expensive? Does it usually work? Thanks for replying! :)

Heccout said:
I'm an ISTP which I assume you already know from my post. I lost my ex because of snapping so make sure you don't do the same mistake as me. I ignored a lot of signs my ex gave me because I wasn't very considerate. What you need to is to sit down with her and try to talk to her about it without attacking her. Have her help you understand what's wrong. There is no time frame for that. Tell her that your work is important, but you care for her well being and that you want to help. It's important that she knows you're there for her and are listening to her.

INFPs don't care about logic, it's more about how you make them feel. She needs you to be her safe space, but also needs to understand that you have work and other life chores. Sit down with her and take it slow. Understanding and listening to each other is everything.

Good luck:)
Click to expand...
Thanks my scandinavian dude!

Yes I know you from the other thread. Thanks for sharing your experiences on snapping.
 
#5 ·
swedish_entx said:
A very serious thread, I am afraid. The idea of a grief councelor sounds interesting! Do you have any experience hiring one? You know if they are expensive? Does it usually work? Thanks for replying! :)



Thanks my scandinavian dude!

Yes I know you from the other thread. Thanks for sharing your experiences on snapping.
Click to expand...
Let us know how it goes after you talk to her about it!
 
#7 ·
You can't change someone else's behavior- you can only change your own. If you are actually committed to the relationship, you're going to have to figure out how to balance empathy and support with your own needs. Maybe it's something along the lines of, "I really care about what you are going through and I'm here for you, and I will be better able to focus on supporting you if I complete some job tasks. So I'm going to go to X outside location for today and when i get home we can talk." then find a 3rd party spot to work, office, coffee shop, whatever is covid-friendly. If possible. Or if you have to be in the same place, use the door or something to designate work only spot and define the boundary. Or support her spending time with family or friends who can help her through this.

I'm certainly not awesome with this stuff but you have to evaluate how invested you are in the relationship and if you are, you have to adjust your approach.

Also- if this is actually serious- you are ENTJ. :)
 
#9 ·
What,….
I never cry around others, are you crazy, that takes trust and letting yourself be vulnerability to others….unless its a laugh attack

why Do you think this is an INFP cycle thing
 
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#10 ·
swedish_entx said:
She keeps crying when I talk to her seriously and also it’s not my responsibility to make others feel good.

Some actual useful advice would be welcomed!
Click to expand...
Being a female INFP I can say only one thing after reading your thread posts- I hope you two break up, beacuse you are not compatible. If your girlfriends feelings are not important, just stay away from her, that would be my advice being an INFP. It sounds to me as if you don't want to take responsibility for your words or actions towards her, I assume she doesn't cry for no reason, there was something that hurt her feelings. And I assume you don't want to take responsibility for that and have no desire to work it out, you just want her to stop crying without fixing the root of the problem, which is always about 2 people, not just one . Taking into consideration that her dad passed away recently, you could have been also more empathetic. So yes, I think for her well being you better just split as soon as possible.

It might sound too harsh and direct, but that's just how I communicate.
 
#11 ·
swedish_entx said:
I am ENTx, I've been with my girlfriend (INFP) for 2 months now.

I am working hard from home at the moment from my computer, and my girlfriend constantly keeps crying...and disturbs me.

It was a time I was accepting towards this behaviour (since her dad passed recently) but now it has gone too far.

Sometimes I accidentally snaps at her, and she cries even more. This keeps happening a lot, at least once or twice a week.
I want to ask you fellow INFP:s how long this process takes? Will it stop soon? I need to focus on my work and the constant crying in the other room disturbs me.

Even when I plug in my earphones and listen to music, just the thought of her crying in the other room goes on my nerves. I lose concentration, I cannot focus and I am not able to take steps needed for me to climb the ladder in my career.

When I first met my girlfriend at the bar, she was okay but now something is broken. What can I do to make this absurd hysteria stop?

Thanks for the advice.
Click to expand...
Could you gently ask her why she is crying. Maybe she needs hugs, caresses and closeness in this depressive period. Why do you snap at her? Offcourse you are partly responsible for how you make people feel, like everyone else; that doesn't have to meen that her responce is the way it should, but you can't go around and be rude, it is your responsibility to be empathic and sympathic, specially in close relationships. It doesn't sound like you appreciate her though, so I suggest that you eighter work on looking at her and treat her like the princess she is, or break up, because clearly its not working like it is right now for her. It could simply mean that you need to stop being fiercly and brutally direct and stop cutting through like a sharp knife to get to the point, and start being more gentle and sensitive and working hard on starting to look for and deeply appreciate all her qualities.
 
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#12 ·
Here's some info, both just info about grief and what one can do oneself and support, link to a guide, and where to turn if the grief is more complicated than normal or leading to depression (depending on how long this has been, how bad she is feeling).
www.1177.se

Sorg när någon har dött

Sorg är alla de känslor, tankar, kroppsliga reaktioner och förändrade beteenden som du kan få vid en förlust. Sorg kan göra ont, Det kan kännas jobbigt och tröttande. Men sorgen mildras oftast så småningom, utan att du behöver hjälp från vården.
www.1177.se www.1177.se
 
#13 · (Edited)
I feel like your responses to this situation is kinda emotionally dense. If someone isn't doing so well because of recent events, and is clearly isn't ok, you can't go around wondering "Oh why is she crying?".
Listen, I get that it can be very annoying to hear her cry constantly since that can affect one's mood and make one feel negative, but you're her boyfriend right? Why not try to make her happy? Why not solve the problem? If you were there for her and comforting her, she wouldn't have to cry as much anymore right? I'm not saying you have to be there 24/7 because you have your own stuff to do, but it seems to me you don't care about her at all. Talking to her seriously isn't just it, you have to comfort her every now and again because humans aren't machines. They're fragile as hell and sometimes we can't just get ourselves together. I agree with SoFa that you two should break up because you clearly don't want to be involved with her at all, and you would benefit from being with someone else.
 
#16 · (Edited)
Must admit, my first thought when I read the original post was "Wtf?" , and second thought was "If you can't have patience when she's grieving her dad, you won't have patience for anything else that life throws at you later on". And you've only been together 2 months; what will happen if she goes through some other hard thing in life and the crying lasts for a year? Uh-oh.
If you snap at her enough times, you'll lose her. On the positive side, you're clearly looking for a solution on the internet, so it means you care. But it takes more than caring, it takes personal growth, like developing empathy, or just plain patience.
From personal experience, I understand being annoyed by someone who cries a lot. My ESTP husband went through depression for a whole year, and he was crying in bed almost everyday. He was medicated, but it didn't help. At the time, I felt on top of the world and wanted to have fun, travel the country, do creative projects, have romantic experiences with him, etc. His depression began to annoy me after a while because it conflicted with my goals, but I knew how to separate my own happiness from his. I didn't need him in order to be happy myself and have fun, and sounds like if you are being annoyed, then your happiness and productivity are depending on the other person's mood and behavior, if you know what I mean. I don't think I can explain what this separation feels like inside, it's just this stillness inside, feels like patience, feels like knowing that I don't have to fix anything, knowing that things are running their course and will fix themselves. Maybe my dominant Fi makes it easy to separate my own feelings from the other person's.
I know that when I went through my 3-month prenatal depression, my husband was veeeery annoyed. He couldn't separate his feelings/mood from mine. And in general that's how he operates. I've noticed that his Fe constantly needs people around him to feel good so that he can feel good. What I did during that time whenever he expressed annoyance, was continue crying in front of him as much as I wanted, because I matter, my state of being matters, and through tears I explained to him my needs in every moment. I didn't care if he understood what I was expressing or not, because I knew I would still be important as a person in the Universe whether another human understands me or not. But in expressing my needs very clearly, I was trying to help him feel less helpless in the situation and give him something tangible to do.
I would advise that you explain to her that you're working during X hours in the day which is why you're focused on yourself and not her, and in your free time ask if she needs anything, small things. If she needs anything, she should be telling you directly, that's how I see a relationship anyways.
So you see, you guys will have ups and downs, and if you can't have understanding and patience, then you won't stay together, it's that simple.
She doesn't need to be fixed, there's nothing to fix, she just needs to do her natural thing which is process her inner world, no matter how long it takes.
Only thing I'd advise is cultivate your patience, don't absorb her mood, have your own mood, do the things that make you happy, and just love the other person EXACTLY as they are right now, in the present moment. And love doesn't mean "like", love means non-judgment.
 
#17 · (Edited)
I assume you're writing because you care of her. What you're writing is harsh for the stress combined of work and relationship. It's hard for you to connect with her emotions also because you're focused on you career, that's not bad, but gives some nervousness.

You're emotionally disconnected with yourself because it's easier in this way, you feel it. But this isn't the right choice, this badly affects you inside (your behaviour, reactions, feelings and mind) and your external relationships. If you want to help her and stop her tears, or at least support her and relieve her pain, you need to connect with yourself and, only after, with her.

This will help you to understand her feelings and do what is the best. Don't reject emotions, accept them. Talk about them, say what you emotionally need, ask her what she emotionally needs, have a physical connection with hugs, kisses, cuddles. She needs to know you're there for her, you care.
The aim isn't stop her crying, but to make her feel at ease.

This will truly help not only in this situation, but even to improve the future of your relationship and the evolution of yourself.

In a relationship there's a new istance between "I" and "You", it's "Us". In this istance there are reciprocal responsabilities. If you can't understand and act based on this, you're not ready for this and other meaningful relationships.

Hoping I helped you, have a nice day.
 
#20 ·
swedish_entx said:
for some people, but I don't think it is applicable to me.
Click to expand...
I wasn't expecting any other answer. 😁

One other thing to mention here is that INFPs and other highly sensitive people/types often attract narcissists. Not hinting at anything here and not accusing anyone of anything, just stating a fact.

INFPs tend to be very naive, especially young INFPs and let people in their lives that they should have not, just because they believe in good in people. INFPs can't wrap their head around the idea that some people might be wired differently, some may use others, lie, manipulate and so on. This is very hard for an INFP to understand. Older INFPs being experienced will become bs detectors and develop thick skin, but also a couple of mental bruises.

To the OP I will also advise to read on empathy, narcissism(youtube is good for that) and self awareness. Being a Thinker I assume you will not take it as an offence, but rather as a way to learn something new, ofcourse if you drop the idea of "not applicable to me" for at least a day or two.
 
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