Personality Cafe banner
Cancel
Create thread New Forums

ISTJ and ESFP relationships

[ISTJ]
Tags
dating esfp esfp/istj girl istj
Jump to Latest
21 - 40 of 139 Posts
#21 ·
I just wanna give up on him because he only tries very hard to talk to me when I ignore him, yet when I do give him the attention, he pushes me away. Is this a "game" that ISTJ guys play or something? Do you guys get some kind of "rush" from this? I feel like everytime I show I have feelings for him still, he "looks down on me" for it. It's like he's trying to test me to see if I fall for his bait or not. Well sorry, I'm an ESFP girl with a HEART and I have strong EMOTIONS too. I feel like I keep getting manipulated over and over again. It's not fair anymore!
Click to expand...
Yes, I know this very, VERY well....... confusing for sure.

It feels like a game... he will do just about anything to get my attention and then when I give it, he withdraws.

Did I mention I HATE GAMES?

Everything he says/does is masked, I never quite understand his motive. But it is a LONG story. Anyhow, I feel you.
 
#24 ·
Bluetrane said:
While I'm an ISTJ, I'm not heavily one sided (I'm something like 80%I, and 65%STJ, or thereabouts), so take this with a grain of salt...I'm a scientist by education and profession, but I am also a musician, and a total romantic at heart...it sounds like your guy is more texbook ISTJ.

It's kind of a long story of how I am now involved with my current interest (who I believe is an ESFP). I can say one thing for sure, there is an almost unnaturally huge attraction between an ISTJ and an ESFP, at least in my case.

While I might have acted similarly to your boyfriend years ago, I have learned to appreciate the differences in our personalities. I look forward to the strengths of one overcoming the weaknesses of the other (it works both ways). In fact, I get more attracted and closer to her because of the differences, more and more each day.

Maybe I'm not a typical ISTJ, but I have learned that the heart (and feelings) can be just as valid as logical reasoning...I try to apply whichever is best for each situation that I encounter in my life.

I'd say for one, if you want it to work out between both of you, he needs to be made aware of his own personality traits (as an ISTJ), if he isn't already. An ISTJ should be readily interested in this kind of self analysis...once he is aware of his own traits, and accepts that there are other equally valid personality types, I would hope he learns to appreciate the differences you bring to the table...and that many of them are positive, even if they conflict with his own traits.

I see where you don't want to seem like a nag, but whatever is bugging either of you about the other, needs to come out...holding back will only cause tension and resentment. Burying your feelings will eventually become disastrous if it goes on too long. Keep a note pad handy and try to write down the things that bother you as soon they happen and as analytically as possible, so you can be clear as to what is bothering you about him.

So, if he just doesn't want the excitement, or want to try new things, or doesn't want to get out of his comfort zone...it's probably not going to work out. If he does learn to lighten up and begins to enjoy the new experiences that you can provide, then you have a chance.
Click to expand...

Good post and bears repeating.

FWIW, I have found that most ISTJs are hopeless romantics deep within themselves, when it comes to the mushy, gushy, lovey, dovey stuff. They just don't show that face to the world, reserving it for that special someone or something.

People that know me on a professional level are sometimes amazed to see me interact with my dog. I've had comments along the line of, "Who knew that Mr.______ could be a softy!":laughing: While I interact with several people, showing a much softer side, this is usually reserved for situations where I feel more secure, such as at home. The dog however, doesn't allow this--if I want to train him properly.
 
#25 ·
defragmybrain said:
ISTJs..

What are your thoughts on ESFP's as romantic partners? If you've never had one, what would your perceptions/doubts/worries of that type of person be?

Why ask?

I've been dating an ISTJ for over year now. Having read your forums for the last hour, i can see that he's no exception: dutiful, meticulous about his efforts, peeved by people being late & bad grammar, drives super safe on the road, NOT a fan of spontaniety. (these examples kept coming up in the posts)
He's also not very verbal about his affections for me, which i can handle, but would love to hear from him. Actions speak loud, but sometimes words speak louder. As S's, both ISTJ and ESFP love to live by "mean what you say". But how do i get him to start talking?

Also, I've had issues with many of his behaviors - but somehow we're still together. He practically lives in a bubble ! doesn't want to leave his town, doesn't want to travel much, secure and safe in his little world, doesnt try new food, etc. He's the all american boy who likes it how he's had it for years.

I'm an eccentric, loud, Russian born ball of chaos. I like variety. I eat something new every day. I redecorate my bedroom every six months. I like to travel. I speak four languages. etc etc etc. I want him to try new foods or go to a new restaurant.. etc, he refuses and cringes. So while i see the value in his rigid ways, (safety, security, familiarity, tradition).. I also see value in what I prefer. How do i find a common ground with him? He's more or less uncompromising. We're extreme J and P opposites.

ALSO:
Sometimes when something peeves me about him, I dont tell him because i don't want to appear as 'the whiney girlfriend'. Later when i feel i can talk about it and approach him with the issue, I no longer have concrete examples because I try to intentionally forget our bad times. So when i say "I hate when you're like this". He says "Oh yeah? When was I like that last?". In turn all i've got is "I don't know on the top of my head right now but that's just how i FEEL". This kills him - he cannot work with my concerns if he doesn't have concrete examples, and thus my concerns are still there and ignored.
How do i fix this??
Click to expand...
Yes, you both bring a lot to the table. And yes, it can be a frustrating relationship, working through your differences.

Some of the others have given good advice...I'd heed what they've said.

I would also suggest that both of you work on understanding your feelings. Your feelings are just what you feel about anything--nothing more, nothing less. The feeling is not right or wrong, it is just there. Where we get into trouble is acting out of our feelings instead of our logic. So when anyone gets a certain feeling, they should stop, examine the feeling logically to see what they should be doing about this feeling.

So, if you are feeling neglected, examine yourself to see why it is that you feel this way, which will then lead you to the "what" to correct the feeling of being neglected. Say you have tied it to his lack of sharing what he is thinking with you, and particularly that he doesn't express his love for you verbally--at least not enough to satisfy you. Now you have a concrete situation and it can be dealt with by each of you in a discussion. Once he concretely understands what you need from him, it is likely that he will comply.

You sound like a fun person to hang around--your zest for life provides a lot of excitement in your relationship with your ISTJ partner. Try to remember that this can be a bit overwhelming at first for him. You can help by trying to include some quiet time in your series of adventures. So, a four or five hour visit and meal with your family could be really overwhelming to him and something he really dreads (if they are noisy and outgoing--lots of excitement). Sometime during the evening, grab his hand and announce that you and he--and no one else--are going for a walk. This will allow him about 20-30 minutes to sort, vent, and decompress, and will give you a chance to reconnect with him.

Similarly, if you are going out with friends, arrange it so that the evening is broken up into a couple of segments with time alone for you, as a couple. This will truly help him get through the evening.

Now, everyone has to grow in this. So while you are toning down the excitement you bring to the relationship, he has to grow to be more accepting of change. I can really relate to where he is coming from, but the reality is that he is being to rigid and needs to learn to adapt to change. There is a whole 'nother world out there and you are the door. He needs to realize this and embrace it. If he doesn't, he will only drive you away. Then he will really understand what it means to be lonely and depressed. He will naturally grow and become more accepting of change as he matures, but he really should embrace this now. Otherwise he will be 40 and be grappling with this.

Concerning your last paragraph, dealing with your peeve about him and his needing concrete evidence. This type of conduct perpetuates the erroneous stereotype that ISTJs won't change. We do change, but it isn't easy, and we don't change without thought and proof that we are incorrect. Being correct is something that drives us, so if we can be shown that we are incorrect, we will change. In this case, you do need to address the conduct that is causing you grief at the time it occurs. Separate your feelings and tell him directly and concretely what action he has (just) done that is hurting you. Be prepared to explain how it is hurting you and supply an example of what he could do differently that would help you feel more loved in the situation.

Don't go into the past. We don't live there and if you bring up that stuff we are sure to be frustrated. Really, really don't do this. Deal with it in the here and now. Otherwise, it's just a he said, she said argument that will go no where and cause everyone pain.

HTH
 
#26 ·
Definitely provide examples. I'm always asking people to "give me an example" so I can translate what they're saying into something that makes sense to me so *I* can see what the issue/problem is.
 
#27 ·
An ISTJ with an ESFP, your thoughts?

Hi, I'm new to this site. I'm an ESFP married to an ISTJ. What do you ISTJs think of ESFPs? Are we a good match? Are there any ISTJs here who are married to an ESFP who can give me some insight into your relationship? What personality types do you find most attractive and/or a good fit?
 
#28 ·
Hi planschange (I like your name- how suiting for an ESFP!)

I know many many many ESFPs. I probably know more ESFPs than any other type. Honestly, there are no ESFPs that I know that I don't like or don't get along with.- You guys are fun, friendly, and always up for anything. I love the ESFPs positive attitude and go with the flow mentality. I have never been in a relationship with an ESFP.- I was once interested in one, but I personally prefer them as friends as opposed to partners. However, that doesn't mean they are not a good fit. There are no rules as for which types get along better with others. It is pretty much all subjective despite general trends and theories. I think it would be a good match though, as long as both parties are mature.
 
#29 ·
planschange said:
Hi, I'm new to this site. I'm an ESFP married to an ISTJ. What do you ISTJs think of ESFPs? Are we a good match? Are there any ISTJs here who are married to an ESFP who can give me some insight into your relationship? What personality types do you find most attractive and/or a good fit?
Click to expand...
Hi and welcome.

Not to sound trite, but *I* think of ESFPs as people. I don't usually type others unless I am around them a lot. I find people are interesting, regardless of type.

Maturity is a factor, but ESFPs and ISTJs can be a good match. Remember, any personality type can marry any personality type and make a good marriage out of it. Some are easier than others.

Sorry, not married to an ESFP. SWMBO is an ENFP. You can read plenty about our relationship on this forum.

Again, not trying to be flippant, but I'm attracted to nice and friendly females. Their type is of lesser importance. Type is just one piece of the puzzle. I love my ENFP wife and we have a good relationship. However, I know other ENFP girls that would be so difficult for me to be in a relationship with. The difference is found in character, values, maturity, and interests.

I know it is difficult posting details in a forum...it can feel rather intimidating. But if you have a specific problem or question, I'm sure that someone here could help you with what you are going through if you would post about it.

HTH
 
#30 ·
I'd have to say that when it comes to romantic relationships and friendships, personal values may play more of an impact that personality type. I am sure ESFPs and ISTJ relationships may work out in some cases, but it really all depends on the people involved more so than the letters, which are just one part of who we are.

That stated, I usually prefer other guardians and idealists (though the "J" is very important to me). I'd not think that I would get along with an artisan (another SP) in a romantic relationship, but then again maybe I would.
 
#31 ·
My ISTJ sister is married to an ESFP, and they have a strong, healthy relationship. It's a lot of hard work though, just like any relationship.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Sela and niss
Save
Reply Quote Like Like
#32 ·
Welcome to the forum!

I'm an ESFP who dated an ISTJ. As of this day, we're still friends (although a little complicated lol). To be honest, I can tell you it was a looong bumpy, winding road trying to deal with his personality and vice versa. I'm not saying your relationship will be the same but you'll have to learn how to deal with each others' personality differences. For the most part, if you 2 are willing to understand each other and compromise, then you'll have a healthy and prosperous relationship.
 
#33 ·
ISTJ and ESFP is the exact match that my parents were. And they had a reputation for having an incredible love story. People always remarked on how close they were. My ISTJ dad died recently or they would still be together.
 
#34 ·
Wow - party girl with good old faithful... Oh well.. at least theres no chance of anyone dying from erotic asphyxiation in this relationship... accidentally ..
 
Save
Reply Quote Like Like
#36 ·
As with any matchup based around MBTI, the exact combination of letters does not matter as much as some think. What really matters are things like character, level of maturity, and mutual interests/chemistry. Some matchups are "easier" than others, but if two people really want to be together, they'll find a way to make it work.

Having said that... having S and T in common mean you two probably already think along the same lines. The P/J will be where most of your conflict will potentially stem from (I love ending sentences with prepositions, btw :tongue:). He'll probably want structure, order, lists, and predictability, for example (thank the Te for that).
 
#40 ·
I don't think that's very ideal. ISTJs and ESTPs can be great friends:laughing:, but who's initiating all of the romance? Lol.. I haven't seen any couples near ESTP girl and ISTJ guy, but it's possible.... romantic relationship.


Besides my opinion, what's up?:wink: You like an ISTJ guy?:cool: Care to share?:laughing:
 
21 - 40 of 139 Posts
About this Discussion
138 Replies
63 Participants
Last post:
Art-demure
Personality Cafe
posts
11M
members
172K
Since
2008
A forum community dedicated to all ranges of personality types and people. Come join the discussion about health, behavior, care, testing, personality types, and more!
Full Forum Listing
Explore Our Forums
INFP Forum - The Idealists INFJ Forum - The Protectors INTP Forum - The Thinkers INTJ Forum - The Scientists Myers Briggs Forum