Emotional Dependency

diverged · Jan 27, 2011

It's already so hard for us INFJs to genuinely connect with people on the level that we desire. Have any of you ever come across a person that you just click with and it excites you so much inside?
I felt like that recently and then peculiar yearnings started to happen like wanting to share more of yourself than usual with that person or expecting more emotional display like listening from them. But then you feel so oddly underwhelmed when things like that don't work out. Moodiness occurs and I feel myself acting immature - hot and cold sort of thing. We're friends.. but maybe I was anticipating more intimacy (platonic) because it's rare for me to want that from someone and he obviously has much more friends and well, yeh.
I never intended to give my all completely to this friend but all that internal excitement just sort of fizzles away. It sucks, no? Any experiences like this? =\

ertertwert · Jan 27, 2011

I've only had one experience where I immediately clicked with someone. It's still unfolding so there's not much else to share.

Jasette · Jan 27, 2011

I actually have really good judgment with friends. If I really click with someone, not only is it very rare (maybe three times in my life has this happened) but it is also, I don't know, right. The other person feels the same way. Two out of three of those friends have drifted away for whatever reason, but I don't hold that against them, that's just life. But yeah, when it comes to those people, I never feel bad about sharing or being honest or wanting a connection. You have to be a little tentative when the relationship is just starting out, but really... I dunno. The girls I click with on an innate level, I love them to the moon and back. And I know no matter what happens, they'll always love me too.

That said, when I don't click with someone, it does take me a very long time to get anywhere close to a relationship like I have with those I do.

yellowbritt · Jan 27, 2011

Yeah, I've been there. I think because it so seldom happens that we connect with someone in this way, it's more intense for us when it does. It's like it's all bottled up inside of us, and once it finds an escape, it gushes out. I have a tendency sometimes to try to rely much too much on one person, wanting them to be everything, and then it's painful when they fail, which is inevitable.

Just remember that sometimes we understand other people more fully and more quickly than they understand us, so you might want to rush a relationship to deeper emotional intimacy, when the other person may still be figuring you out. Also, you situation may be complicated by your being female and his being male. Perhaps he doesn't know if you're looking for something just platonic, or more. I don't know the situation, but it's something to consider.

I'm sorry for how you're feeling and I wish you the best in your situation.

Vaan · Jan 27, 2011

yep this is me and my gf but i get hurt because shes an INTP with the exoemotional range of a teaspoon XD

diverged · Jan 27, 2011

yellowbritt said:
Yeah, I've been there. I think because it so seldom happens that we connect with someone in this way, it's more intense for us when it does. It's like it's all bottled up inside of us, and once it finds an escape, it gushes out. I have a tendency sometimes to try to rely much too much on one person, wanting them to be everything, and then it's painful when they fail, which is inevitable.

Just remember that sometimes we understand other people more fully and more quickly than they understand us, so you might want to rush a relationship to deeper emotional intimacy, when the other person may still be figuring you out. Also, you situation may be complicated by your being female and his being male. Perhaps he doesn't know if you're looking for something just platonic, or more. I don't know the situation, but it's something to consider.

I'm sorry for how you're feeling and I wish you the best in your situation.

That's exactly how I wanted to word it.
I actually started feeling worse about it after one night where he admitted to having feelings for me. But he's in the current position of only wanting casual sex/no relationship so it wasn't suffocating towards me (I usually always avoid someone after they admit this). So it was clear after talking that we were just platonic but the following day, everything just felt off; I was still relying on that friendship but I guess it fizzled a little on his part.

It's also difficult that he openly owns up to not being great with expressing emotions in general and of course, being the person that I am, emotions is all that is in me.

diverged · Jan 27, 2011

Vaan said:
yep this is me and my gf but i get hurt because shes an INTP with the exoemotional range of a teaspoon XD

Haha, I have a close friend who is an ESTP and I've learned not to divulge my feelings or what I go through with her because she just doesn't seem to comprehend or feel anything towards it. But it's like she makes me a black hole for her every dilemma and the imbalance is just very.. unsatisfying. =\

darksoul · Jan 27, 2011

Vaan said:
yep this is me and my gf but i get hurt because shes an INTP with the exoemotional range of a teaspoon XD

I think INTPs, in general, just have a hard time understand anything more than basic emotions. My INFJ boyfriend always ends up having to explain his emotional state to me like I'm a two-year-old. :crazy:

Decoy24601 · Jan 28, 2011

When I find someone who I am afraid of loosing, and love dearly, I get very emotionally dependent and clingy.

Like with my current INFJ boyfriend. I want to talk to him every second, and be with him every second. All my emotions circle around him. He has been grounded for a few weeks now, and I'm finding myself going deeper into my depression just because I miss him so much. Like I'm on withdrawal from a drug.

Didn't know if that's what you mean't :wink:

Zomboy · Jan 28, 2011

I have an addiction to relationships because of the emotional depedency involved. When I'm dating a girl I become the exact opposite of my normal miserable self. I feel empowered.

People have made me feel like I'm not healthy in this respect. People make me feel like I'm not healthy in any respect. It's not like I hurt anyone by doing this... But I guess it's all just a matter of time until I do.

Vaan · Jan 28, 2011

darksoul said:
I think INTPs, in general, just have a hard time understand anything more than basic emotions. My INFJ boyfriend always ends up having to explain his emotional state to me like I'm a two-year-old. :crazy:

yeah its in no way saying that INTP's arent amazing, the pure fact that she was able to break down my walls is an amazing feat, but im finding that the lack of emotional feedback is making me create new walls trying to keep my heart safe but i think its just some stupid defense mechanism, she is confused because she is feeling alot of emotions that shes not used to feeling that she didnt feel in other realtionships so i think she might be doing the same a little bit because she is frightened by them (she may or may not have used to be bi/les XD

darksoul · Jan 28, 2011

Vaan said:
yeah its in no way saying that INTP's arent amazing, the pure fact that she was able to break down my walls is an amazing feat, but im finding that the lack of emotional feedback is making me create new walls trying to keep my heart safe but i think its just some stupid defense mechanism, she is confused because she is feeling alot of emotions that shes not used to feeling that she didnt feel in other realtionships so i think she might be doing the same a little bit because she is frightened by them (she may or may not have used to be bi/les XD

Ah, the confusion! It's something I've been going through a lot lately too. We've only been together a couple of months. So all these emotions are new to me. I recently understood "bittersweet", which I'm extremely proud of. :wink:

What kind of emotional feedback are you referring to? And what happens when you put up a new wall? Is it obvious to her? :mellow:

Vaan · Jan 28, 2011

emotion feedback reffering to my ability to sense emotion when they say something or act a certain way, for example when we are talking about something deep and meaningful or are just holding hands i can feel the love between us, its sorta like a warm feeling in my heart, its very hard to describe, but when she is in an overly serious, or childish play around mood i dont even feel the slightest ounce of it even when she says i love you which makes me think she's saying it as though its a chore or something

so my response is my defense mechanism ive just found i had which is where ill find every thing that we dont see eye to eye on and all of a sudden it makes my heart hurt just talking about that stuff which is making me very stuck in my ways and she's naturally stuck in her ways but i get defensive and dont want to listen so i handle the conflicts in a way that i dont normally do, i feel like im being and idiot but i also feel that she isnt even trying too see whats wrong and isnt understanding the severity of things when i literally tell her

weve gotten into a state at times where she will reply back with 1 word (texts or online we are LD) or so and it feels like we are growing apart even though we probably arent that its just not something shes good at, so you could say that we are unknowingly hurting each other, can you give me some tips to help?

sensorium · Jan 28, 2011

Vaan said:
emotion feedback reffering to my ability to sense emotion when they say something or act a certain way, for example when we are talking about something deep and meaningful or are just holding hands i can feel the love between us, its sorta like a warm feeling in my heart, its very hard to describe, but when she is in an overly serious, or childish play around mood i dont even feel the slightest ounce of it even when she says i love you which makes me think she's saying it as though its a chore or something

so my response is my defense mechanism ive just found i had which is where ill find every thing that we dont see eye to eye on and all of a sudden it makes my heart hurt just talking about that stuff which is making me very stuck in my ways and she's naturally stuck in her ways but i get defensive and dont want to listen so i handle the conflicts in a way that i dont normally do, i feel like im being and idiot but i also feel that she isnt even trying too see whats wrong and isnt understanding the severity of things when i literally tell her

weve gotten into a state at times where she will reply back with 1 word (texts or online we are LD) or so and it feels like we are growing apart even though we probably arent that its just not something shes good at, so you could say that we are unknowingly hurting each other, can you give me some tips to help?

Try more direct forms of communication, such as voice and video chat. From my experience with my INTP girlfriend, she is not very emotionally expressive in text form, which sometimes makes me think that she is being distant. But if I hear her voice and see her face, it becomes quite obvious how she feels about me.

CarmelinaGunn · Jan 28, 2011

When I feel underwhelmed by the reality of a relationship that I thought was building towards something great I definitely click into "moody" mode and turn cold towards the person. It's a defense thing, and I will probably work to not make it obvious, but it happens. I'd rather pull away then continue to be disappointed by what I (foolishly, probably) expected emotionally from this other person.

Now I'm way more aware of not letting that flare of, "This could be a great relationship", build into a real though that I nurture. I know to keep track of the little things I do with that person, so I can remain somewhat detached and not be forced to enter into the coldness that will happen when I feel threatened by my expectations not being met.

I think that it's probably due to the large number of guy friends I have since I tend to bond with them easier than girls. (Girls intimidate me, no doubt. I know some pretty great ones that I just cannot stop comparing myself to, so it's hard to get close to a person you envy relentlessly). Guys just naturally don't go as far as girls do emotionally. It's ok, it's how they are made, but I had to learn a little bit about that before I stopped being hurt by it.

Not to say I don't let people in. I do. And a lot of my frienships have become really great relationships that even surpassed what I thought they would be. But I have a guard up, even if I hate it, mostly to protect them from being confused over my actions if and when I get hurt.

Sometimes someone sneaks through, though. Kind of recently I've been going through this. And I'm trying hard not to.

Vaan · Jan 29, 2011

sensorium said:
Try more direct forms of communication, such as voice and video chat. From my experience with my INTP girlfriend, she is not very emotionally expressive in text form, which sometimes makes me think that she is being distant. But if I hear her voice and see her face, it becomes quite obvious how she feels about me.

yes ive noticed this when we talk i can feel it a little bit, but with video chat i just watch her like always XD

but it was something that i noticed after a few weeks of being actually together, that i wasnt able to feel it, i talked with her and im starting to understand that those things that seemed bland and irritating were actually her way of showing affection XD

darksoul · Jan 29, 2011

Vaan said:
yes ive noticed this when we talk i can feel it a little bit, but with video chat i just watch her like always XD

but it was something that i noticed after a few weeks of being actually together, that i wasnt able to feel it, i talked with her and im starting to understand that those things that seemed bland and irritating were actually her way of showing affection XD

Yup. It's not easy to show affection in a "conventional" sense. We are aware of our inability to feel most of the time. Thus, in a relationship (especially with a feeler), when we think we are feeling strong emotional connection, we think we should act in a way that looks an awful lot like we're affectionate.

There are, of course, genuine moments. For me, it's when I'm completely illogical and childlike. It may not seem like much, since these instances are far in between. But it's my way of saying, "I'm turning off my thinking side because I love you."

diverged · Jan 29, 2011

CarmelinaGunn said:
When I feel underwhelmed by the reality of a relationship that I thought was building towards something great I definitely click into "moody" mode and turn cold towards the person. It's a defense thing, and I will probably work to not make it obvious, but it happens. I'd rather pull away then continue to be disappointed by what I (foolishly, probably) expected emotionally from this other person.

Now I'm way more aware of not letting that flare of, "This could be a great relationship", build into a real though that I nurture. I know to keep track of the little things I do with that person, so I can remain somewhat detached and not be forced to enter into the coldness that will happen when I feel threatened by my expectations not being met.

That is exactly how I feel...! Scarily accurate. I'm trying not to take it personal but it's hard when you feel so much. Yes, a sense of detachment and staying in reality is definitely where I'm at now.

Vaan · Jan 30, 2011

darksoul said:
Yup. It's not easy to show affection in a "conventional" sense. We are aware of our inability to feel most of the time. Thus, in a relationship (especially with a feeler), when we think we are feeling strong emotional connection, we think we should act in a way that looks an awfully lot like we're affectionate.

There are, of course, genuine moments. For me, it's when I'm completely illogical and childlike. It may not seem like much, since these instances are far in between. But it's my way of saying, "I'm turning off my thinking side because I love you."

:crazy: that explains alot of why she acts so childish etc (ALOT), but she dosent need to do that because that kills off the depth and intellegent discusions that i (and i think most INFJ's) crave, its what made us such great friends, it was the depth and connection during discussions that made me love her all the more, im ver impatient with childishness and stupididty

roud:

darksoul · Jan 30, 2011

Vaan said:
:crazy: that explains alot of why she acts so childish etc (ALOT), but she dosent need to do that because that kills off the depth and intellegent discusions that i (and i think most INFJ's) crave, its what made us such great friends, it was the depth and connection during discussions that made me love her all the more, im ver impatient with childishness and stupididty roud:

I can't speak for all INTPs here. But for me, these "childish and stupid" moments are not forced; they happen quite naturally when I feel close to a person. (Imagine how much of a "bimbo" I am when I'm with my boyfriend!) Even better if that person laughs with/at me. :laughing:

Emotional Dependency

diverged

ertertwert

Jasette

yellowbritt

Vaan

diverged

diverged

darksoul

Decoy24601

Zomboy

Vaan

darksoul

Vaan

sensorium

CarmelinaGunn

Vaan

darksoul

diverged

Vaan

darksoul

Top Contributors this Month

Recommended Communities