One thing that I have noticed as an INTJ is that I tend not to give out enough praise, as I see the absence of criticism as praise in itself. I've been trying to work on that with my husband, so that he doesn't feel unappreciated. If this guy is the same, then she has to realise that he will not praise her, and the only way she will know if she's doing well is if he criticises her less than others (the exception to this is if someone is so terrible that they don't even deserve my criticism). This might seem harsh, but I personally don't often place too much value on other people's praise so I don't assume they place much value on mine either.

Also I frequently stop what I'm doing to look at squirrels out of my living room window.

 

Well, that certainly seems like a typical scenario with a stressed INFJ and an INTJ not wanting to waste too much time micro managing. I have dealt with this before and INFJs can actually be very stressful to be around when they are bug eyed but trying to play it cool. I always just knew that something was up but really did not want to know about it. I really just wanted solutions myself to be able to put them at ease.

What I would want her to do is try stepping back from the details obviously. It's great that there are people paying attention to the quality of work but there will be other things involved such as time constraints which involve her wasting time by asking questions (bosses time) and not getting enough time to complete the task herself on time. This is inefficient. INFJs are fantastic with people usually but when they are trying to figure the INTJ out they can get it extraordinarily wrong, especially when they are stressed.

I understand what the boss means by the "coldness" of an INFJ. She is obviously stressed, bogged down with details, probably putting on a front to try cover it all up. I have experienced it before with intrigue as the INFJ was projecting a lot of themselves into the situation at hand. Saying I was being bossy, controlling and they felt ill at ease when I was seriously just trying to go about my own business. What emerged that they were over thinking in a negative way to things that weren't likely to happen. A Ni-Ti loop? Obviously it won't always be the case that this behaviour occurs but it may be that your sister is simply crazy talking her way into the "projection zone". INTJs really don't think that much like most people so the Ni-Ti loop of an INFJ can conjur up some pretty bizarre ideas that are well off target. It's surprising for a pair that only have one letter different how poles apart they can be.

INTJs love having an absence of drama. They like it when people are managing themselves and don't like repeating how to do tasks. I suggest when asking about tasks to perhaps keep the questions to a yes no answer.

Another thing is perhaps to simply not try to impress the INTJ. The INTJ will see the work. They will see the detail and appreciate the effort.

If all that fails there is always food. Find out the INTJs favourite doughnut or something and when the INTJ is obviously stressed simply feed him. I know a few on here that admit to forgetting to eat when they are in the thick of getting work done.....and if anyone ever thinks of them in that department they have a friend indeed. I know it seems really sucky...but trust me...if you bought me a cream bun when I am bumbling over a task I would love you to death.

 

It's the most useless advice in the world, but honestly, she needs to get over herself. Just focus on her work, quit worrying about trying to make her boss understand her, and just do her job. He's not going to understand how she's feeling, and if her constant need for affirmation will probably only strain the relationship even more. It sounds like she's a good employee and he's happy with her work, so she should learn to chill out a bit.

Some more useful ideas:
-She should probably communicate to her boss that she needs to hear that she's doing a good job when she is. INTJs are typically not going to feel the need to coddle someone's feelings. Since she needs this, she needs to make it clear that she needs it, because no matter how many feelings she thinks she is throwing out there and making obvious, let's face it, most of us are a little retarded in that department and even if we pick up on "something" will probably go out of our way to avoid any potential drama.
-Some training/practice in not taking things personally, and learning that just because someone is critiquing her work, does not mean they are critiquing her as a person. She really needs to learn to separate the two, and realize that is not people's intentions. Until she can learn to not react emotionally to every little critique, no matter what she does she's going to be miserable.
-Perhaps finding a coworker that she can connect with, rather than trying so hard to connect to her boss. Having someone in the office who she can talk to, vent with, or just be "feely" with may help. Her boss is not going to be that person, and really shouldn't be.

 

INTJs are usually very impersonal. We are very out-of-tune with the emotional needs of others. As a Feeler, however, she is much more apt to take criticism personally, which I think you said she does. She needs to try not to take things so personally. He doesn't. That may be difficult for a feeler to do, but he doesn't take criticism personally, and he thinks others shouldn't either. He probably has no idea he's hurting her personally. She has to do her best to remember that most of the time he is not trying to hurt her. He's just oblivious.

 

Check out this article, as well: Keirsey' PersonalityZone - Temperament and Your Career

FYI: The article refers to INTJs as "Rational Masterminds," though all rationals share some similar qualities.

Also, I'd encourage you to check out other articles on this site, they're quite helpful.