I've been depressed and at first had no idea. Not until I started feeling real low and didn't enjoy music or fishing anymore did I know. Then I was diagnosed with major depression lol. Anyways, I've been striving to be like my old self again, not really happening which is making me even more depressed. I'm also hard on myself.. real hard. People irritate me too. My depression isn't sadness... it's just a low - a low, low. I wouldn't describe my depression as sadness, it's more like a flat out low mood fueled with anger and extreme boredom. Unfortunately, I'm not currently sharing the same optimism you are, although I used to.

Life seems very dim right now. I no longer enjoy things like I used to, things have lost their taste, people piss me off, it feels like I'm just caught in a constant storm of shit. I used to be so passionate about just life itself. I loved it. I loved adventure. I loved people. Anyways, before I get off on a venting rant... I am going to beat this shit real soon. Going to come at it full force. How? Well...

Mental disorders can be a battle within your head. All you got to do is put Depression in the ring with Willpower and then pretend you're Mike Tyson. It's something you have to overcome. Every dog has his day and I'll have mine soon. It's all about the mindset. Yeah, you feel like shit. Trick yourself into thinking you feel good. The key is to get motivated. Take the reigns of your mental health by force. Build up your self-confidence. Start doing things you enjoy, even when you aren't enjoying them at the time.

Exercise and supplements (mainly fish oil and super b) help exponentially with my depression. The problem is, I haven't had the energy to exercise currently lol.

I don't know where I'm going with this...

When I'm depressed, I usually start livin' it up. Tell myself to be stronger, life ain't worth the downs. It's much more enjoyable when you're up. With that being said, I hang out with friends more, make more friends, do social things, go to parties, go to clubs, whatever. Work out and diet good. Oh, yeah, and usually lots of booze and tobacco, but that's a norm. Build yourself up. FAKE IT 'TIL YOU MAKE IT! That's a good motto to have. Feel like hell? Smile past it, have a good laugh. Feeling hopeless? Count your blessings and get motivated to fix things. Feeling low? Get the hell up. Do something fun and exciting. Something that makes you feel like you're alive.

I'm so hypocritical right now. lol

P.S. try l-tryptophan, melatonin, and light therapy for SAD. Stay away from antidepressants and antipsychotics at all costs.

 

Mental disorders can be a battle within your head. All you got to do is put Depression in the ring with Willpower and then pretend you're Mike Tyson. It's something you have to overcome. Every dog has his day and I'll have mine soon. It's all about the mindset. Yeah, you feel like shit. Trick yourself into thinking you feel good. The key is to get motivated. Take the reigns of your mental health by force. Build up your self-confidence. Start doing things you enjoy, even when you aren't enjoying them at the time.

That's exactly what I do, and it's the most exhausting thing in the world. For me, depression isn't usually sadness so much as I have a lot of feelings but I feel extra distanced from them, so I don't know how to take care of them or even recognize them for what they are. That's the start. Then I begin to become super critical (like I said), and then, finally and worst of all: I lose all my motivation. But I don't ever lose my desire to be motivated; I just lose my motivation to do the things I want to do. I still have to do them. So I lose a lot of sleep just trying to motivate myself to get things done, and I'm angry at myself for not being able to just do it. I don't understand why it's so hard - I want to do these things, I want to enjoy doing the things I generally enjoy doing. But I just can't find it in me to do any of those things. I feel separated from myself, separated from the things that make me who I am. I am hardworking and playful - but when I'm depressed, all I do is work, and none of it feels like play.

I have a sun lamp for my SAD. It does work a little but isn't a cure-all. I tried St. John's Wort for a while, which some people told me helped them, but all it did was make me feel nauseated all the time, so I had to stop. I've never been on antidepressants. If this gets any worse I don't see why I shouldn't try.

 

I've never been depressed but I have a lot of panic attacks. Not so much lately, thank goodness. I hope I never get depressed. It sounds shitty.

 

When I'm depressed I lose all motivation for everything. Except for instant gratification...which takes over my life. I'll spend money like it's going out of fashion, do anything that gives me that quick pleasure fix regardless of long-term consequences - most especially with food. I become a total glutton when I'm really low.

I've found that fighting it is the worst thing I can do for myself. If I let go and allow myself to binge on whatever (food, stuff, experiences) then I seem to spontaneously recover quite quickly. Whereas if I fight it, I end up becoming more depressed because willpower never wins when I'm in that state of mind.

 

YES!
The more you fight it, the more miserable you become. Avail the benefits of a stress release from binge-indulging and you'll see control returning slowly.

I have experienced cases where stress-releases were actually the source of stress and the formula backfired quite badly on me. But hey, live and learn. XD

 

Don't know how bad your panic attacks are, but when I was experiencing them... tell you what man. I'll take depression over those any day. I no longer have them, I think they were triggered by hash oil. All I know is, I wasn't suicidal but I was truly wanting to die, so I could be at peace. I was gasping for air like a fish out of water constantly and my chest was so tight my bones felt like they were snapping apart. Though, anxiety can be more manageable, I think.

Ha yeah when I was having panic attacks they were pretty brutal. But depression seems so hopeless. When I was having panic attacks I desperately wanted to live but thought I was dying. My rapid pulse kept me up all night because I thought I might not wake up.

Funny though, I think my panic attacks were also originally triggered by THC. I had my first one when I was high (though I'd been smoking for a couple years) and it was so traumatizing that I eventually quit altogether when I realized I was having them every time, but even when I stopped they persisted for almost six months. Like, several times a day, lasting over an hour each time. (One time I did acid which had never made me nervous at all before the attacks started and I had a panic attack that lasted over three hours. Last time I did that.) The thing is though, I thought I had a heart disorder which made it worse. I logically understood I was just panicking but I had this deep paranoia I had a life threatening heart condition. I became severely fixated on my heart rate for a long time. (Constantly monitoring my pulse, which stayed around 100-110 at rest all the time during the this severe period, way higher during panic attacks of course. Now that I've settled down it's more like 80) I referred to my own kind of panic disorder as "cardiophobia". I was afraid to hear my own heart beat but it was constantly pounding in my ears. I didn't want to hear other peoples' either or see them on tv, (yet I was also kind of addicted to staying up all night and watching medical tv, which convinced me at times I probably had an aneurysm or something too.) and I was afraid of caffeine and exercise.

I've always been nervous but not like that. The worst part about anxiety/panic is that it's a vicious cycle. But at least in theory you can conquer it on your own. It's all in your head. Depression is scary sounding, but in a different way. Yet at the time I kind of envied suicidal people because at least they WANTED to die and I felt like I had no choice.

Any way, nice trip down memory lane. On this plus side this is like the first time I've talked about that period without nearly having a panic attack in empathy for my old self. Anyway again. I wonder if inferior Si exacerbated my panic with hypochondria.

 

I went through the same scenario. The first time I had one, I had some dabs and we were cruising around in my friend's camaro. Then it hit me. I remember, people can have panic attacks if they get too high. Well, I hadn't smoked in about 3-4 months and I didn't smoke regularly ever, I drink. My friends insisted I do some dabs with them, so needless to say I was like an air balloon. My first thought was drug induced heart attack, but that was only for a split second. I was like nah, it's just a panic attack chill out. Then I started getting severe anxiety afterwards and panic attack after panic attack.

That's when the fear set in. The intensity went up every single attack and each one lasted longer than the other. I become obsessed with what was wrong with me, I couldn't believe that it was anxiety anymore. I researched for hours educated myself and trying to figure out what to look for. I basically went through the entire index of medical disorders thinking I had each one. I turned into a hypochondriac. The vicious cycle as you said, was set in rigorous motion. Nasty shit. I haven't been rid of the anxiety completely, but the attacks are gone and I know what I have to do to conquer the anxiety.

Depression... well, yes, it can be bad. I'm not suicidal, but I do have major depression. I've had some suicidal ideation, but it was out loud and more just for attention lol. I guess some people become suicidal because they feel like the they're dead to the world or it's not worth living. You really feel like a squashed, half-alive bug on the sole of a boot. Hard to decide what is the lesser of two evils, and I've seen some of the worst of both. Anxiety makes me suffer more because I can never breathe and I'm always fatigued, and I'll get so excited even over nothing that my heart starts racing and becomes very erratic, like from not being able to feel it to pounding. I call them chest-explosions because that's what it feels like is happening.

Depression makes me want to give up on life and become a drunkard in the mountains and makes me feel like it's me against the world.

 

Great, someone writing about panic attacks. I got them twice on weed and once without anything except shitloads of tobacco and tea and caffeine.

Yeah, they suck but you know what, I also find them enjoyable. That feeling relief, when they are about to go away. Having them made me appreciate "normal-boring" life more. Its funny that before a couple months I wasn't even sure what is anxiety and what is not.

I also couldnt STOP moving around like I'd love to run a marathon at that moment. Try to sit me down and I start shaking.

Hope we all get well soon ! :kitteh:

I dont think I was ever depressed though. There was a period in which everything sucked but when my parents bought me a car then it was all gone so idk.

 

I think it's cool that you started a "depressed 7s" thread. People act like 7s are happy fluffbunny party animals with hollow innards. Huge wakeup call to enneagram stereotype junkies: 7s are human too. Who knew?

To speak for myself I have had an extremely hard life and I do have PTSD and mild seasonal affective disorder, and I can get overwhelmed by the weight of all the problems I have.. but I don't have depression. Most people with chronic Lyme DO have depression but it mostly skipped me. I'm very lucky for that. I have enough seretonin to drown an elephant. I am extremely moody and can have nightmarish thoughts but I am very comfortable with all of my thoughts and moods. Depression is when you can't feel anything. I feel everything, too much of it, but I relish all of those emotions. The biggest problem with my emotional intensity is that other people can't handle it and it leaves me isolated.

I get annoyed by too many "sad 4" threads. I want to see people talking about other things.. their image, their goals, their art projects, their life struggles, what inspires them. Why so much "depressed 4" and "happy fluffy 7" focus? We need more variety and acknowledgement of the humanity of all types.

 

I have social anxiety. I often rely on alcohol to help me socialize, whereas in the past I was more dependent on drugs. It's a vicious cycle because I end up going too far and then I do stupid things....which causes me more anxiety....which then causes me to drink again when I'm around others, etc. I've got a very addictive personality and realize that I do need to be careful to ensure that my dependencies don't turn into full-blown addictions. I'm trying to figure out a way to manage it without feeling the need to cut myself off from people and socially isolate myself.

But, man, it's fucking lonely being like this.

 

I feel ya.
*pat pat*

 

^ Just to spin off of that, I have dealt with chronic illness, traumatic circumstances, and frankly vile treatment by others. All of these were readily adapted to. I pushed through and saw the light at the end of the tunnel. While this time of my life sucked unbearably, there was terrible depression waiting on the other side. When I had the time and safety to relax my defenses, all the loss I'd put off dealing with just completely took me over. Wretched loss and depression that drowned my whole mind, soul, and body. In this case, the light at the end of the tunnel went out, and life was much less bearable than it had been for all those years of illness and hardship.

My mind was on suicide every day, and even now I cannot say that it won't end that way (I accepted at an early age that suicide would be my likely cause of death). I don't even have substances or other people to help me cope. I am alone.

Yes, grief, loss, and depression resulting from it, are conditions. You feel like someone's beat the shit out of you; all energy is gone and you physically ache. It's like being literally wounded, and you don't care enough about the rest of the world to try to push through it. And people do die from it.

 

^ Just to spin off of that, I have dealt with chronic illness, traumatic circumstances, and frankly vile treatment by others. All of these were readily adapted to. I pushed through and saw the light at the end of the tunnel. While this time of my life sucked unbearably, there was terrible depression waiting on the other side.

Exactly exactly exactly. This is exactly how it is for me. I can get through anything, power through.. the hardest thing is when i can no longer trust *myself* to stand up and fight.

This is why in some ways, heartbreak is a bigger killer than illness. That being said, heartbreak would be a lot easier to deal with if I hadn't lost my voice to illness and could channel it in music, or if I were able to work and could save up money to do something that would be healing for me. So it all ties in together, of course, piling hopelessness upon hopelessness, struggle upon struggle. But the most immediately devastating setbacks are those of the heart - and I say this a very serious trauma survivor.

Given the caliber of what I've been through, I feel I can make these statements in a meaningful way. Kind of like Albert Einstein saying "imagination is more important than intelligence" holds more meaning than if some doofus musician said it.

 

 

Is getting bored an option?

 

I thought I was sad at first, but when this sadness kept on coming for weeks, months, I thought something was wrong with me. It’s not like the usual common sadness, to me it is beyond sadness; more like utter despair. You feel an emptiness you’ve never felt before, like a monster beside you, no matter how many times you try to shake it off, and forget, it stays in the background. And when you’re alone all by yourself, it eats you up. You feel all the worthlessness, despair, and hopelessness you could ever feel. It’s draining and leaves you with the most horrible thoughts, to the point of wishing death.

When I am depressed, which I am now (two years now), I never talked to anybody about it. I just let it out all on my own, at first I used sit there in my room and look up at the ceiling and cry, now I’m severely depressed I’ve lost all my tears. Now I’d lay down, very relaxed, dry eyes and feel empty. This emptiness is slowly killing me, I think I’ve lost my emotions, it could be that my mind is blocking any more emotions. I don’t feel alive at all, I’m there, but I’m dead on the inside. My early teen years were pretty shitty, in an age you’re supposed to lose a plenty of your confidence, I lost all of my confidence and self-esteem alongside my personality. I was reminded about every detail of how damned I was and how unimportant I really am.

I usually let it aside when I’m at school or work, or interacting socially. And when I am, I might appear more mature and quiet than I originally am and I would refuse to speak to anyone unnecessary, In return people would mistake that I am angry with them. I don’t laugh as much anymore, like I don’t have any motive to laugh, I’ve lost the interest to laugh anyway. Before going through depression the slightest of things made me excited and cheerful, I used to be full of life, and people loved my laugh the most, people knew me for it. I think going through those last years killed me, nothing is interesting anymore. I believe there are many things worth trying in this life, but I don’t think I have any opportunity to do so, this is why I see that I don’t have a reason to live. This cycle of thoughts keeps on haunting me, that I’d die and never be able to do anything with my life. My existence isn’t important is what I keep thinking. Even though with that, I still believe I am somehow a child at heart, my heart is still alive even if it’s only a little bit.

Speaking of panic attacks, I don't think panic attacks have any correspondence to depression. I've been experiencing panic attacks since I was 10 years old and it would happen without a cause. Panic attacks occur without a reason or a warning. I could be looking at cat pictures in the middle of the night and next thing I'd get a panic attack.

 

Summary

when
I believe
that
I'm going nowhere
days copying one another

physical symptoms
fatigue
foggy mind
dragging me down

lack of
public personal
acknowledgement
Identity deletion
looks, and roles, how I sound

where is
the money and the time
and the power
to fix

tired

cold shoulder
to family
to friends
to everyone

hiding

Atrophy

physical
vocal
digital

Busy
building evidence
towards
I'm going to fail

1.Identify problem 2.Avoid 3. 2nd best solutions not allowed 4.Emo wankfest for stimulation 5.Consumption > Production (conclusion: lack of purpose) 6. Fixation on things that brought joy in the past, blind to new options 7. inactivity/minimal engagement approach 8.Profit

 

I end up isolating myself and become easily irritated by others which makes me want to stay isolated. I don't seem to notice that it's happening, and then because I'm not getting any social contact it makes it worse. My family were telling me to get out and see people, talk to people but I didn't feel like it.
Now I realise that I should have listened to them. Then eventually going out and seeing people makes me feel gradually better and that feeds itself.