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ESTP boyfriend

4.3K views 9 replies 7 participants last post by  Llyralen  
#1 ·
I date an ESTP(who is also a countraphic 6w7) and for both of us, this is our longest relationship ever...At the begging we both got into relationship well knowing, our personalities and interests are very different, but still we felt that attraction for each other and we built our relationship to the point I feel very loved and safe with him, but now I am afraid I opened a panodra's box...I've always known how different our opinions are. But once he really shoot to my weak point, when he said: "I have my own moral principles, and I am not guided by those mainstream moral rules. But you...your principles are the same as everyone else's and are not individualistic at all..." When he said that I thought I am going to slowly and painfully kill him, but I calmed myself down and I started arguing with him. I told him how I believe in freedom, and open mind and that everyone should have his own believes, without hurting each other, because humanity needs compassion and no bounderies, or prejudices. I told that, because he often makes pretty cruel fun of weaker people, or someone with handicap. His arguents were...he can make fun of whoever he wants and I am stealing his freedom, if I prohibit it to him. Than he started to say some really wierd things like...why do I eat meat, if I believe everyone se equal, because we all are animals, and if I say we are not I am closeminded, or why do I eat vegetables, I can't know they don't have feelings...and really just stupid things like that. The worst thing, it sounds like trolling, but it wasn't. He was serious, when he told that stuff and he does it all the time, when we got into arguments. He just pick up totaly wierd "trues" to knock me down and to tell me, that if I think he's wrong I am the closeminded one...It's really like wtf?! I was trying to tolerate his believes, and to be nice and carring, but lately I decided, that we should be somehow useful for each other. I decided, that I want to make him more open minded, to see more possibilities, but now I see we are just getting in arguments because of it... Is this just why ESTP/ENFP relationship mostly doesn't work? Is it really that worng try to change someone, but in the possitive way, I just want him to see more. Can a relationship like that work for a longer time, or will it just crash down anyway?
 
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#2 ·
I think you already know that answer to this question sweetie.....

I know that there are some very healthy and mature ESTPs who are good people out there, but the majority of ESTPs I know act like your boyfriend and I don't tolerate it AT ALL. ESTPs make my blood boil.

And it sounds like he treats you pretty crappy and essentially is attacking the core of who you are. You don't deserve that treatment from anyone, especially not a significant other. There are always going to be conflicts in a relationship, but it seems like he intentionally says things that are hurtful...actually cruel. Especially considering his behavior and treatment of others, it doesn't sound like he is mature or healthy.
 
#7 ·
The true is...yes he's attacking my core, you are totaly right about this, but I just know he doesn't realise how much theese things mean to me, or that he could hurt me by saying something against them. He just really all the time says what he thinks, without knowing he can hurt someone. He doesn't do it because he wants to hurt me... Actually almost all the time he tells me, how much he loves, that I am the love of his life and the one, he wants to be with in the future. He told, that he would never change me for any other girl, because he couldn't do better. We were even planning our flat and that we will have cat xD and things like that... And I'd say he professes me the love, much more often than I do.
Attraction is a big illusion and it mostly stems from a desire to be loved - a gap we can't fill ourselves.
I was thinking about this...maybe yes I am in the relationship, just because I feel that hole inside of me, that I believed can be replaced by relationship, but really...who doesn't do that?

Off topic cp 6 means counter phobic 6 and sometimes people mistake that for a type 8
At the begging of our relationship I was totaly sure he is 8, but now I just see he's got typical 6 characteristic, but he's counter phobic, that's why he seemed like 8 to me.
 
#3 ·
Next time, maybe snip that conversation in the bud?

"Whatever you think of my values, I have come to them through careful thought and my own private experience. Please be respectful of that. Debating this further isn't constructive. Clearly we're both firm in our positions and unlikely to budge."

If you want a boyfriend who doesn't think it's OK to make fun of people who are weaker than him, this isn't that boyfriend. Never assume that you can change someone.
 
#4 ·
The ENFP-ESTP is a horrible match. End.

I think your beliefs are on the opposite side of a spectrum and the way he reasons will never be coherent with the way you reason. I'm sorry to hear that things aren't working out but do you really want to be with a person that preys on the weak just so that he can feeds his own brittle ego? I think you can get better than him.

Attraction is a big illusion and it mostly stems from a desire to be loved - a gap we can't fill ourselves. I know this may sound patronizing but I just want to help you out here. I can seduce basically any woman within 30 seconds just by showing her love and affection (if she cant fill that gap I mentioned before) and the next thing they do is that they only focus on the things they want to see, the positive traits they enlarge and the not so positive traits get pushed to the background. Don't fall for that because eventually those negative traits will play a major part in a relationship eventually. Take your time to find out if your outlooks are compatible. You don't have to rush in.

Off topic cp 6 means counter phobic 6 and sometimes people mistake that for a type 8
 
#9 ·
I mean your boyfriend speaks facts if you are pro freedom and open mindedness than you should let him express his thought no matter how offending it may be for you as for eating meat and gass scientists proved that plants feel pain too when you rip them out or cut them they give off ultra-sonic sounds thats their cry so if you feel bad for cows and pigs you should feel bad for plants too. If you are open minded why do you try to force your values on him and try to "change" him? Also who decides whats good or not, you leftists say that moral is subjective so if its subjective what makes your moral superior to his? and final point if you are tolerant of everything than you stand for nothing
 
#10 ·
You found a really old post. Pretty interesting stuff, though.