Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Feeling for your kid is a whole different ballgame from feeling for some stranger. This is blood you are talking about, and your parental instincts are on the mark, I think. Could you apply for a job closer to him? I have one of my kids faraway too and hardly see him, and I can't stand it, either.

 

Whenever i deny my feelings i always regret it.
When i give into them i am much happier and can return to my normal mode of being. Until i give into them i am completely useless.

 

Of course I have allowed feelings to dominate a few of my decisions. To me, family is sacred. I have made decisions that were directly related to my family that made no freaking sense. I would be worried if you didn't have strong feelings about being apart from your son. I think it is normal that you are feeling so out of sorts. I don't know if that helps.

I like to think out scenerios about impossible emotional situations. By focusing on the details of a particular situation, it helps me find distance to start forumlating effective plans. That distance from my emotions makes it easier to find balance.

 

This all helps. I think it is my unfamiliarity with such strong feelings that has me at a loss with what to do.

 

You should not deny your feelings, and strong feelings for your child are natural. If you didn't feel strongly for your child, I would question your parental fitness. With that said, you should consider your feelings but try to set aside the emotion as you analyze your situation. There is no doubt that being away from your child is difficult, and it seems that you have already answered your own question above. It seems that you could be using your planning skills to find a way to get to the other side of the country. It won't be easy, but it won't be impossible either. In the meantime, perhaps you could consider video-chatting (ie: skype), since I know about a dozen divorced parents who use it almost daily. It might help alleviate what you are currently feeling.

 

With that said, you should consider your feelings but try to set aside the emotion as you analyze your situation.

I would say set aside emotion as a decision making force, but consider it fully in your logical decision. There is more to happiness than money and power, even for an INTJ.

 

I love being an INTJ; the reliability, rationality, and rarity makes it so appealing to me.

So reliably and rationally find a way to get back to your son. I think the biggest problems is that you know rationally that you're better off financially and career wise where you're at right now, but you also know that you won't be happy unless you're with your son. So instead of dropping everything to go back to your son, find a way to make it a career move that so happens you're next to your son again. I could be just projecting and be way off, if I am, forgive me. But a good rule I try to live by is if you don't like your options, invent new ones.

 

I love being an INTJ; the reliability, rationality, and rarity makes it so appealing to me. When I first found out I was INTJ, I was proud as punch.

I would not use the word "love" or "proud". I had no choice in the matter and I refuse to be take pride in anything I did accomplish on my own. Furthermore, INTJ comes with extreme strengths and extreme weaknesses.

Anyway, that is my dilemma... but my question for you is:

Have any of you INTJs ever let your feelings dominate your decision making processes?

If so, how did this work out?

It is rare, but my extreme feelings can overwhelm me and I totally don't feel like myself or think like myself.

I have found the best option is to acknowledge them and let them pass through the system. Try talk to yourself about the source of these feelings and the true source that are causing them. Is it distance from your son, or you questioning your role as a father?

Hope that helps.

 

I just reccomend accepting the emotions and instead of fighting against the emotion try using it to an advantage ^^, remembr emotions are apart of a thought processing system, so if you can learn to think with both emotion and logic then you have solidified yourself in many ways

 

and if that fails, there's always alcohol...

But seriously, I think emotions cloud logic and causes a person to do things that may be against their best interest (e.g. staying in an abusive relationship). I say ackowledge your feelings but don't act on them unless you're prepared for the good and the bad.

I acted on my feelings trying to keep an ex and that failed miserably, to the point I'm pretty sure I was being used...soo yeah I'm for not acting on them.

 

If my feelings didn't take over my rational thought, i probably wouldn't be married right now. my marriage doesn't make sense in many ways but love is what is keeping us together. i always wonder if i made the right decision sticking with my feelings or should i go the rational route? sometimes i think i made the right decision and other times my brain takes over and ask me "what the hell are you doing?" lol. your story is sad, i don't have kids so i can't imagine what it's like but if you ask yourself what would make you happier, after you decide, i'm sure you can make it work from there. INTJ's can make any situation work for their benefit me thinks.

 

Person 1: Just look at the facts of it... quit relying on your feelings.

Person 2: Feelings are facts.

While you might see emotions as being illogical... it is important to be happy. Sometimes it is worth it to listen to your feelings... and understand that they too can factor in making a fully rational and informed decision.

 

I don't for one minute believe that feelings are facts. The idea of mental illness is built on this. What is real versus what is not. I might feel as if I am a man if I had GAD but it doesn't make me a man. Feelings often lie. They are there....but they aren't facts....sorry if I am clumsy with this reply...I really can't be arsed making a full blown issue out of it.

 

Is the strong feeling logical? As the overwhelming feeling would only be quenched by moving closer to him, from an INTP's point of view - I'd suggest it is. Don't look at the overwhelming feeling as something that clouds rational thought, but use it as a piece of logic. In this scenario, I'd say that it only makes logical sense that you find whatever rational way you can to be close to him. He is the most important thing in your life, and that is all that matters. Everything else is secondary, and will somehow fall into place.

Being INTJ, I bet you'd have all sorts of other rational thinking types around you who can help bridge the other committments you have.

 

i agree, i mean there must be a reason you are having those feelings, and those feelings mustve has some sort of thought process to come to that conclusion. you can think of emotions like colours, when you mix two colours ( different points of evidence) you will get a different colour(end emotion being the result of the factual breakdown, such as happiness or sadness) emotions are just the physical way we feel our thoughts ^^

 

emotions are just the physical way we feel our thoughts ^^

You just blew my mind

 

Feelings can and do play a role, and an important one - I'm not very good at them, and for me, basing a decision solely on emotion seldom works out well, but there are many situations where they would be important, and kids are one of those situations.

This is why there are times I am well aware that my opinion is very lacking. For instance, when it comes to my mother and her grandson that she has custody of, I can give her an opinion on things, but I have to give the disclaimer that I lack the ability to factor feelings and emotional issues into the equation.

Wanting to see and be close to your son is not an irrational decision, whether you are emotional about it or not. You may have reasons for being where you are, but let's face it, kids grow up quickly, and you want to be a part of his life. This is not just emotional, although emotions may be a bit overwhelming for you ATM, I doubt they are necessarily "bad" at this point, either. Perhaps your emotions are getting so strong because you are ignoring the rational side of your thoughts that are telling you how important it is for you to be there and trying to convince yourself it would be too difficult to make the changes...so, the emotions are cropping up to support that side of your thoughts.

 

why does your mother have custody of your son?

 

Why do you figure it's my child? It's my brother's son....and the list of reasons is rather extensive. CPS had to take the child away when he was still a baby, he's been with my mom for 4 years now, and let's just say it's no closer to him going back to his parent(s) than it was the day they took him.

 

Your choices have nothing to do with emotions, absolutely nothing. The question is, what part of your ethics is allowing you to be that far away from your child longterm? War I understand, poverty I understand, severe mental health issues I understand. Other than those, your commitment is to your child's needs over your needs until he is no longer a child. It is a question of whether you think it's okay for your child to be without you and how you believe that is affecting him psychologically. If you have never been in a parental situation with him and your extended family have always been primary caretakers, you aren't going to hurt him psychologically since his primary caretakers are already there. Basically, you need to be concerned about HIS suffering, not your own in making these decisions.

If there is a cultural normality with children being raised by extended family and a norm of parents being away for this long, he will be fine. If he is extremely independent, he may be fine as well with another primary caretaker that has always been his caretaker. I'm trying to say that your conscience, rather than your emotions need to be what you decide. However, conscience might be a combination of emotions and ethics, so emotions are definitely involved somewhere in there.

If you can afford it, go to a child development psychologist to get recommendations on how much damage this will do to him at this age. Maybe he is unusual in that he can handle it.

 

^ i was merely guessing, the wording seemed a little indirect so i was unsure

 

@peachalicious

I never went through that because I don't have children, so I don't know what that is though I saw it in friends (both as children and as parents). Anyway, I got overwhelmed by my feelings more than once and I usually follow these rules, witch in most cases helped me making good decisions:

1 - Never make important decisions when I'm overwhelmed. Only when I can fully understand what I'm feeling, why, and can think unbiased from my emotions, do I make a decision (unless it is a situation that requires immediate action).

2 - Never ignore my feelings. I concentrate, think, and intensify them as much as I can, so I can better understand them. Crying (can be very difficult to achieve sometimes but I feel much better after), as you said, is an excellent way to cope with and moderate emotions intensity (you get a peak but then it goes down and you can understand your state much better).

3 - Always predict your future emotional and social state when making a decision. Sometimes it can seem better to go where your feelings pull you to, but it can be an illusion because you didn't think strait due to the overwhelming. Other times one chooses to go the opposite direction and the consequences are irreversible.

In your case my decision would be easy, as I would never choose to stay away from my son, especially at that age. So, my decision would rely on how would I make the change, how long would it take, and how would I maximize contact and minimize suffering until the change was made. You should maintain your ties with your son until he gets his own ideas, interests and individuality fully developed. Otherwise the future relationship between you two can be very disappointing for you, or you might disrupt your life in some way because you can't cope with your emotions and that reflects in your daily attitudes and behaviour. Again, I don't have children and my opinion is based on what I observed and read during my life, so I'm sorry if some of you have different opinions or experiences. This is just what I think!

EDIT: Ok! Just read that the kid isn't your child. Anyway, I'm not changing my post now, it all depends on how you feel about him...

 

@ mOchO
He is my son. The conversation above is from a fellow INTJ relating to my situation.

That aside, I appreciate your post. I am feeling overwhelmed currently; hence my reluctance to make such big and life changing decisions. But in light of all the responses on this thread, I am more and more secure in how I am feeling. In fact, I am beginning to wonder why my judgement has been so clouded up until now. It feels good to think I am overwhelmed because the situation is inherently wrong, and not because I am being neurotic.

Either way, I am going to see a psychologist today to help me discuss this all logically and try to gain some clarity. I have made choices in the past that I am loathe to repeat and I think this might be holding me back from making some hard decisions. I know things aren't right when my J fails me.

 

perhaps you were misinterpreting your emotions ^^

 

there is no lie, only misinterpretation, our hearts have brain matter in them for a reason ^^

 

OMG what? Misinterpretation of a feeling? If I am a woman who feels like a man then I will at sometime down the road see someone about it to either change gender or reconcile myself to being a woman. The feeling is a lie. The interpretation of the feeling is logic. If the logic fails then there is only the feeling left. My head has my "heart" in it...I feel things with my brain not the other way around. It sounds like a fatal disease when you say a person's heart has brain matter in it....

 

have you tried not looking at it logically?

and i dont think i was quite right, i mean it has electrical cells in it that can cause it to beat faster etc, this is triggered by emotions which are simply endorphines and chemichals in our brain being released due to our thoughts

as i said feeling and emotions are just the physical way we feel our emotions

 

I'm sorry...I can't be arsed arguing any more. this is a serious thread and it's being derailed by silly arguments.

 

I'm sorry...I can'r be arsed arguing any more. this is a serious thread and it being derailed by silly arguments.

agreed lets get back on topic ^^

 

That aside, I appreciate your post. I am feeling overwhelmed currently; hence my reluctance to make such big and life changing decisions. But in light of all the responses on this thread, I am more and more secure in how I am feeling. In fact, I am beginning to wonder why my judgement has been so clouded up until now. It feels good to think I am overwhelmed because the situation is inherently wrong, and not because I am being neurotic.

Either way, I am going to see a psychologist today to help me discuss this all logically and try to gain some clarity. I have made choices in the past that I am loathe to repeat and I think this might be holding me back from making some hard decisions. I know things aren't right when my J fails me.

I think it's fantastic that you're seeing someone to help you sort out your feelings instead of not giving them credence. Your feelings are important, just as important and useful as your intellect, and someone who doesn't listen to them may find out too late that they ignored a problem they didn't know was there. Some of the biggest things in our lives are connected to our feelings. I think my opinion has already been stated by a number of people, but after reading I do feel compelled to post. Your son is the most important thing in your life. He's your legacy, he will surpass any job, and he requires you more than any job does. Ten years from now, your job may or may not be there, but you will be able to get a similar job, or maybe a better job, but that's not the point, the point is that ten years from now your son will have grown up without you and will be doing his own thing and you will have missed your opportunity to be a part of his life. I don't know what extenuating circumstances separated you two like this, but if I had a kid, I would give up any line of work to be with him/her. You have the rest of your life to work and fulfill requirements, you only have this precious little time to be with him and make a difference in his life. Something tells me you've already got this figured out, but I just haaad to post. One of the downsides of being an ENFP, impulsiveness....

 

Disagree with what you are saying here. I agree with YOUR feelings, and I share them completely. However, you are just putting your emotions out trying to get her (through pretty laid back means) to feel it like you do.

This is not going to work if her emotions are different than yours. Do not think for a minute that people with crappy childhoods are going to have logical rational emotions that match the developmental needs of a child. Some may go the "right" way after the wrong way was done to them, but most people have unexplainable emotions that are constantly making them do things that are not good for them or those around them.

How many people do you think are raised so well that their impulses and emotions are in line with love and integrity, kindness, generosity, helping others, doing the right thing? It's rare.

If you don't use your raw emotions to make decisions your child at least has a chance that you will do what is commonly thought of as the best thing for him or her. So glad she is going to a professional for this kind of decision. Hopefully the professional will either talk to her about children's developmental needs for parenting or help her process (apply analysis-logic to) her emotions to find the best thing to do for her family.

I actually believe you were trying to manipulate her by showing her the emotions that you feel she should have. I would probably applaud that manipulation because I care a lot more about her child than I do about her (no offense to OP. I will always care more about the child).


..................

 

Have any of you INTJs ever let your feelings dominate your decision making processes?

If so, how did this work out?

Yes, it happened couple of times. And unfortunately I can't remember even one when it turned out well.

 

agreed, i think i attempted at some point but i dont think i was thorough enough, this pretty much explains everything