[Elaith]

Hi.

I'm new here, so my greetings to everyone, boys and girls. Plus, I'm Italian, so if my English isn't perfect, my apologies in advance. I found this discussion, and seen I strongly think to be an INTJ, I'd like to try to give my little contribution.

So, briefly. For sure, it's really difficult to tell from his behaviour if he likes you as a person to talk with, to spend some time with, or as a possible partner.

For what I feel, our way of being "well" with a people is mainly talk much with her, tipically about ideas, possibilites and projects-related matters, not about some inconsistent subjects like "how a waitress is feeling slightly bad after his principal scolding", for saying. We could talk about that too, but really really often only for underline how she wouldn't feel bad, just remain calm and understand it could happen, or something on this guide line.

Plus, many of us have some problems escalating a rapport from a good friendship to something more, meaning we talk with the other people, maybe imagine how a relation could be ecc... but are not really aware of what are the steps we should do to make it begins and work. We don't embrace "at the right moment", flirt in the right way and so on.

This for saying that IF you can handle a polite refuse - 'cause for sure it'd be really polite, maybe a bit detached, cost/benefit explained but polite - the best way for knowing if he likes you is simply ask him. Ask him for a coffee, or even just ask directly if he thinks "something between us" could work.

Probably he'll be glad if only for the possibility you raise about just talking about the subject and explore it, with you, in a quiet way.

Jokingly, let me say that he probably won't just throw you a funny, super-excited hug or kiss the very first moments, but this won't mean he doesn't like the idea.

 

[aendern]

It's really just near-impossible to tell the different between an INTJ liking you as a person and an INTJ liking you as a potential romantic interest. That's been my experience.

I agree with this from an INTJ perspective.


In fact, most of the time I'm probably the one most confused. I can never tell if I like someone as a person or as a romantic interest.


Until two years after I've already moved out of state and I miss them.

 

[Valtire]

In fact, most of the time I'm probably the one most confused. I can never tell if I like someone as a person or as a romantic interest.

Until two years after I've already moved out of state and I miss them.

You just basically described the victim love style in Socionics.

 

[Vincisomething]

Hi.

I'm new here, so my greetings to everyone, boys and girls. Plus, I'm Italian, so if my English isn't perfect, my apologies in advance. I found this discussion, and seen I strongly think to be an INTJ, I'd like to try to give my little contribution.

So, briefly. For sure, it's really difficult to tell from his behaviour if he likes you as a person to talk with, to spend some time with, or as a possible partner.

For what I feel, our way of being "well" with a people is mainly talk much with her, tipically about ideas, possibilites and projects-related matters, not about some inconsistent subjects like "how a waitress is feeling slightly bad after his principal scolding", for saying. We could talk about that too, but really really often only for underline how she wouldn't feel bad, just remain calm and understand it could happen, or something on this guide line.

Plus, many of us have some problems escalating a rapport from a good friendship to something more, meaning we talk with the other people, maybe imagine how a relation could be ecc... but are not really aware of what are the steps we should do to make it begins and work. We don't embrace "at the right moment", flirt in the right way and so on.

This for saying that IF you can handle a polite refuse - 'cause for sure it'd be really polite, maybe a bit detached, cost/benefit explained but polite - the best way for knowing if he likes you is simply ask him. Ask him for a coffee, or even just ask directly if he thinks "something between us" could work.

Probably he'll be glad if only for the possibility you raise about just talking about the subject and explore it, with you, in a quiet way.

Jokingly, let me say that he probably won't just throw you a funny, super-excited hug or kiss the very first moments, but this won't mean he doesn't like the idea.

I always find it interesting and a bit funny when people who don't have English as their native language apologize in advanced for their English. And then it turns out they have perfect grammar and spelling.

I would say talking to them or spending some time with them is a good way to start. Just to warn OP, a lot of INTJs, including me, don't know how to respond to small talk. To me, at least, it's random and too brief. If someone said something like, "I'm glad I wore these shoes today," and I respond with a smile or a laugh, it does not mean I'm disinterested, I just don't know what to do in those situations. It may be the same with him. If you want to start a conversation, go straight to the point.

 

[Elaith]

I always find it interesting and a bit funny when people who don't have English as their native language apologize in advanced for their English. And then it turns out they have perfect grammar and spelling.

The funny part here is that, before reading your message, I caught myself in re-reading my own, in an attempt to correct some possibles mistakes left out, which I found, haha.

(Then I realized this forum doesn't allow to change a post.)

 

[KanRen]

Aand here comes the shit-wave. Once the INTJ feels close to you and opens up his Fi you'll make sure to let out your Si onto him, which is our least prefered function and basically kills us. Then, after he'll completely crack down, you can just leave him with his Fi smashed, because let's face it, your Fi (being the dominant function) will be fine in 5 minutes.
Please do not tell me you're sorry I had a bad experience, I have never dated INFPs. Please don't ask me how I know, I just do just by the fact that you have to ask. Please try to realize that showing vulnerability is killing an INTJ thus your pleasure to figure it out is sadistic-al and destroys him. Please try to read the endless threads on this and spare the Internet you and him from another "drama", I'll give you a cookie if you do. Just my opinion on it, feel free to do whatever you want.
Thank you,
An INTJ.

Dis guy, I love him. I was smiling the whole time I read his post. Now, I'm chuckling... Sorry, I do not laugh. It is illogical.

 

[Marshmallow Moo]

It's really just near-impossible to tell the different between an INTJ liking you as a person and an INTJ liking you as a potential romantic interest. That's been my experience.

This is true. Sadly. I give compliments to people I like, but almost never to people I don't like. If I tell you I love you without you saying it first, that's more of an indication that I genuinely love you... as a person. INTJs do not "drop hints" on purpose like some other types do. Typically, if I actually like you, I will do these four things:

1) Begin avoiding you for no reason at all
2) Suddenly become unable to hold conversations with you. May say things like "so how're you?" after I've already asked it three times in a conversation.
3) Blush and/or smile too much.
4) Begin teasing you to the point of it being rude to compensate and avoid suspicion. Ultimately fail.

If I do these things in the context of just meeting you, I'm more likely responding to anxiety from talking to a new person. If I do these things randomly after already knowing you... yeah, I probably like you.

I can't speak for all INTJs, but for me "liking" someone is more of a game of how to avoid being caught with it. People who see past the defenses and find them charming win bonus points and may actually make me love them.

So basically this is a cheat code for unlocking an INTJs affection. Use at your own risk.

 

[KanRen]

This is true. Sadly. I give compliments to people I like, but almost never to people I don't like. If I tell you I love you without you saying it first, that's more of an indication that I genuinely love you... as a person. INTJs do not "drop hints" on purpose like some other types do. Typically, if I actually like you, I will do these four things:

1) Begin avoiding you for no reason at all
2) Suddenly become unable to hold conversations with you. May say things like "so how're you?" after I've already asked it three times in a conversation.
3) Blush and/or smile too much.
4) Begin teasing you to the point of it being rude to compensate and avoid suspicion. Ultimately fail.

If I do these things in the context of just meeting you, I'm more likely responding to anxiety from talking to a new person. If I do these things randomly after already knowing you... yeah, I probably like you.

I can't speak for all INTJs, but for me "liking" someone is more of a game of how to avoid being caught with it. People who see past the defenses and find them charming win bonus points and may actually make me love them.

So basically this is a cheat code for unlocking an INTJs affection. Use at your own risk.

This sounds all too familiar. Ah yes, INFP. It seems INFPs and INTJs share the same "falling in love" symptoms.

Me ---->

 

[Fern]

When it comes to you, their terseness is minimized

They stutter or give some indication that they are human when they say your name

They actually ask you how you're doing

It seems they are not paying attention to you, but as soon as you need help with something, they're right there

They make time for you when they are not obligated to or it is not necessarily in their best interest (Some INTJ's play the social game to advance themselves, y'know)

 

[Legate]

So INTP who's currently in a relationship with an INTJ, so I got some ideas of how this whole thing works.

So of course, we are both socially inept nerdlords who can talk for hours about science and music and history and fantasy and science fiction settings and Dungeons and Dragons and all that, but when it comes to talking about gooshy goopy stuff, we are both completely lost. As in, we are both in our 20s and this is literally the first serious romantic relationship we've both had, since we went through most of our lives doing other things. We don't regret a single bit of that time we could've been wasting on some dumb teenage drama that we instead spent building ourselves as human beings so that we can have not-dumb, not-teenage relationships and skip all the fuss.

So we start growing fond of each other, and neither of us know what to do about this, so we continue on as normal. A mutual friend of ours (INFJ, for the interested) described it as being like two trains on a track, slowly inching towards each other. You know that they're going to collide, but damn if it's not taking forever. Pretty much everyone, from our friends to our parents (to oh god especially our parents) were making all these hints about how obvious it was that the other person liked them, but we would respond with "Hahaha, yeah, they're a good friend all right. A good friend. Hahahaahahaaaa . . ."

So after a while, I get sick of dancing around the whole thing and decide to declare my intentions in the bluntest way possible. I asked him out to go see an art museum with me on Valentines Day. When he got there, I presented him with the pinkest and heartiest and soppiest M&Ms you could possibly imagine. When we went out for dinner, I point blank asked him "So yeah, do you want to be in a relationship with me? As in dating. As in you are my boyfriend and I am your girlfriend. Is this something you are interested in? Because this is something I am interested in." The answer was "Yes." Upon telling our friends, there was much celebration and "FINALLY! I THOUGHT YOU TWO WOULD BE AT THIS UNTIL THE END OF TIME!".

So that's how that happened. Yeah, I'd say that if you're interested in him, just go right ahead and ask him out as straight as possible. No coyness, no hints, no subtle flirtations, just straight up "HERE IS A RELATIONSHIP I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE WITH YOU. DOES THAT SOUND GOOD TO YOU? Y/N?"

And yeah, to be entirely fair to him, he literally asked me on a bunch of dates before that, and it passed completely over my head that those were, in fact, actually dates.

 

[mr. rozay]

So INTP who's currently in a relationship with an INTJ, so I got some ideas of how this whole thing works.

So of course, we are both socially inept nerdlords who can talk for hours about science and music and history and fantasy and science fiction settings and Dungeons and Dragons and all that, but when it comes to talking about gooshy goopy stuff, we are both completely lost. As in, we are both in our 20s and this is literally the first serious romantic relationship we've both had, since we went through most of our lives doing other things. We don't regret a single bit of that time we could've been wasting on some dumb teenage drama that we instead spent building ourselves as human beings so that we can have not-dumb, not-teenage relationships and skip all the fuss.

So we start growing fond of each other, and neither of us know what to do about this, so we continue on as normal. A mutual friend of ours (INFJ, for the interested) described it as being like two trains on a track, slowly inching towards each other. You know that they're going to collide, but damn if it's not taking forever. Pretty much everyone, from our friends to our parents (to oh god especially our parents) were making all these hints about how obvious it was that the other person liked them, but we would respond with "Hahaha, yeah, they're a good friend all right. A good friend. Hahahaahahaaaa . . ."

So after a while, I get sick of dancing around the whole thing and decide to declare my intentions in the bluntest way possible. I asked him out to go see an art museum with me on Valentines Day. When he got there, I presented him with the pinkest and heartiest and soppiest M&Ms you could possibly imagine. When we went out for dinner, I point blank asked him "So yeah, do you want to be in a relationship with me? As in dating. As in you are my boyfriend and I am your girlfriend. Is this something you are interested in? Because this is something I am interested in." The answer was "Yes." Upon telling our friends, there was much celebration and "FINALLY! I THOUGHT YOU TWO WOULD BE AT THIS UNTIL THE END OF TIME!".

So that's how that happened. Yeah, I'd say that if you're interested in him, just go right ahead and ask him out as straight as possible. No coyness, no hints, no subtle flirtations, just straight up "HERE IS A RELATIONSHIP I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE WITH YOU. DOES THAT SOUND GOOD TO YOU? Y/N?"

And yeah, to be entirely fair to him, he literally asked me on a bunch of dates before that, and it passed completely over my head that those were, in fact, actually dates.

this is the best answer so far. Theres no right answer for this, so the only good answer is one that involves experience.


My 2 cents:
-every situation is unique, you know your situation better than anybody else.. I also have a feeling that deep down you know the best approach but you're hoping for some external validity.

-take some risks, live a little.

 

[Chamondelle]

This sounds all too familiar. Ah yes, INFP. It seems INFPs and INTJs share the same "falling in love" symptoms

 

[chanteuse]

So INTP who's currently in a relationship with an INTJ, so I got some ideas of how this whole thing works.

So of course, we are both socially inept nerdlords who can talk for hours about science and music and history and fantasy and science fiction settings and Dungeons and Dragons and all that, but when it comes to talking about gooshy goopy stuff, we are both completely lost. As in, we are both in our 20s and this is literally the first serious romantic relationship we've both had, since we went through most of our lives doing other things. We don't regret a single bit of that time we could've been wasting on some dumb teenage drama that we instead spent building ourselves as human beings so that we can have not-dumb, not-teenage relationships and skip all the fuss.

So we start growing fond of each other, and neither of us know what to do about this, so we continue on as normal. A mutual friend of ours (INFJ, for the interested) described it as being like two trains on a track, slowly inching towards each other. You know that they're going to collide, but damn if it's not taking forever. Pretty much everyone, from our friends to our parents (to oh god especially our parents) were making all these hints about how obvious it was that the other person liked them, but we would respond with "Hahaha, yeah, they're a good friend all right. A good friend. Hahahaahahaaaa . . ."

So after a while, I get sick of dancing around the whole thing and decide to declare my intentions in the bluntest way possible. I asked him out to go see an art museum with me on Valentines Day. When he got there, I presented him with the pinkest and heartiest and soppiest M&Ms you could possibly imagine. When we went out for dinner, I point blank asked him "So yeah, do you want to be in a relationship with me? As in dating. As in you are my boyfriend and I am your girlfriend. Is this something you are interested in? Because this is something I am interested in." The answer was "Yes." Upon telling our friends, there was much celebration and "FINALLY! I THOUGHT YOU TWO WOULD BE AT THIS UNTIL THE END OF TIME!".

So that's how that happened. Yeah, I'd say that if you're interested in him, just go right ahead and ask him out as straight as possible. No coyness, no hints, no subtle flirtations, just straight up "HERE IS A RELATIONSHIP I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE WITH YOU. DOES THAT SOUND GOOD TO YOU? Y/N?"

And yeah, to be entirely fair to him, he literally asked me on a bunch of dates before that, and it passed completely over my head that those were, in fact, actually dates.

Congrats! Hope you two are in nerd heaven at this very moment.

I did the same, in email form, to an INTJ guy. We danced around each other for several years until I faced the fact that I really do like him 'that way'. So I asked him to give us a try. His answer was an enthusiastic yes.

When it comes to many questions in life, the best way to get an answer is to ask the point blank question. It's either yes or no. There, no more confusion.

 

[Lemxn]

They start giving you compliments and talking less formal to you. They actually trust you enough to start telling you things about their life, chilhood stories, etc and you can feel how confident they feel. And at some point when you give them more security they will actually tell you.

From my experience.

 

[jazzyj]

I say he likes you, the only times I have ever made time to talk to and especially text a girl more than just a few messages at a time I like her. And this is something that I have thought alot about for a wile, I dont just decide to wing it and see were things go, everything has been thought through thoroughly.

 

[feji]

If its a good INTJ, you wont know.

I think the majority of the INTJs attempt to conceal their emotions, regarding people the like.

For me its like i want or expect someone i like to make the move, if they dont i get offended and move on.

Yes, its a great way to meet new people, I know.

 

[Morn]

They start giving you compliments and talking less formal to you. They actually trust you enough to start telling you things about their life, chilhood stories, etc and you can feel how confident they feel. And at some point when you give them more security they will actually tell you.

From my experience.

Correct.
Like implies trust. Trust means more willingness to reveal emotions (such as admiration, compliments etc) and personal stories.

 

[chanteuse]

My INTJ guy told me once that time is his most treasured resource. If he'd allot me some of his precious time, I must mean something to him. Mostly I just asked him simple and direct questions like when you google something; "Do you miss me?", "do you like me?", "can I call you?".

Somehow INTJs must be put on a spot when the nature of business is personal. None of that fierce assertiveness they exhibit when at work or studying.

 

[Biracial]

This is true. Sadly. I give compliments to people I like, but almost never to people I don't like. If I tell you I love you without you saying it first, that's more of an indication that I genuinely love you... as a person. INTJs do not "drop hints" on purpose like some other types do. Typically, if I actually like you, I will do these four things:

1) Begin avoiding you for no reason at all
2) Suddenly become unable to hold conversations with you. May say things like "so how're you?" after I've already asked it three times in a conversation.
3) Blush and/or smile too much.
4) Begin teasing you to the point of it being rude to compensate and avoid suspicion. Ultimately fail.

If I do these things in the context of just meeting you, I'm more likely responding to anxiety from talking to a new person. If I do these things randomly after already knowing you... yeah, I probably like you.

I can't speak for all INTJs, but for me "liking" someone is more of a game of how to avoid being caught with it. People who see past the defenses and find them charming win bonus points and may actually make me love them.

So basically this is a cheat code for unlocking an INTJs affection. Use at your own risk.

#4 is sooo right on. teasing = insult I learned that the hardway

 

[Goliath]

I imagine all INTJs are different, but typically my Ni makes me relentless in my pursuit. I had a picture of an ideal mate since I was a child, and when I saw my girlfriend from across the room upon our first meeting I analyzed how she interacted with the others in the room to get as much of a picture as I could to see if she matched that. She wasn't even certain if I liked her at first, but got her number so we could communicate and arrange a date.

If all INTJs are exactly like me, which is improbable, the answer to your question then would be that it is not always so obvious because that would mean their primary goal is to analyze you often in silence to see how well you fit with the picture they constructed of you. Perhaps you may notice them looking at you quite a bit, nonetheless. After a few dates, however; you would have an easier time realizing because (in the hypothetical situation I posed) the INTJs would begin pushing you along into their future plans as you have been a part of it since they were a child if that makes any sense.

Since there are no dead giveaways then, the easiest way to tell is to ask.