Have you tried to talk to him about it?

 

@Maya84 do you want to make it work?

 

@do you want to make it work?

It has been small things like I bought flowers and he was less than nice about it, or I have an idea and he immediately finds faults, or we’re out for fun and he gets so nervous and worried about parking that it spoils the mood. So in some ways the control only works because I’m a people pleaser and I get weary and know him too well, and so in the early years found myself deferring. Now I do my own thing, there’s definitely more friction, and the differences are more apparent because I’m not compensating.

 

First talk to him about how you feel and see where that goes. Though I am concerned you think you're being controlled and misunderstood. How is he controlling you?

 

A risk averse, controlling ESTP?

First, talk to your husband. Second, it's unlikely that's his MBTI. ESTP have mountains of faults but those two aren't typical.

 

So he is ESTJ in terms of control and risks, but his sense of time is very P. ����*♀

 

There is so much that goes into the decision to make things work or not. Do you have kids? I’m assuming you do not. I think several of your points could and should be worked on. If you feel controlled then that is something that can be worked on with therapy if he is willing. And it needs to change ASAP. Understanding can be improved with therapy but he would need to work at it. Loneliness can be worked on. Of course this all depends on his willingness to change for you. Doing more activities together to feel more connected that maybe neither of you were into before can be worked on. If you don’t work on these things you are likely to move further and further apart. If you love him and if he’s worth it then wonderful things can happen with good therapy. The talking during movies your soul-mate might do as well— just communicate in that one, we all grow up with different values on that. I converted my husband on that one... if we don’t like what’s going on in the movie we whisper snarky/funny things to each other.

One thing that will not change is who he is at his core. He probably won’t become a soul-mate who understands you intuitively and naturally has similar interests. But he could understand you better if you guys decide to work on this. Some people don’t care about soul-mates in a mate, i have heard a trend in the MBTI world to try to be with someone who is very different than yourself and use MBTI and other tools to work on good communication and value each other’s differences. I personally preferred a soul-mate but it’s got its own problems when we are a lot like our partners too. Just different problems.

I would definitely work on figuring if things can improve before you have any kids. Your decisions should be different after kids when you aren’t just looking out for your own happiness. Bear in mind that if you aren’t feeling fulfilled then he probably doesn’t either.

 

What I always ask myself is: how did it get this far? What else do you value/appreciate about him, other than what I presume must be the physical attraction?

 

It’s been 20 years! It’s very good/safe/stable. It’s easy to relax into it when life is busy. But when I have a new idea, or want to do something, or we talk about anything deeper, our differences become very apparent. We can watch tv, take care of our child, manage household- all pretty well. So then it’s a sense of maybe this is “everyday unhappiness.”

 

You can make it work. Remember the things about him that you love and it's OK he doesn't meet every one of your needs. We give people too much power when we allow them to be in charge of our personal sense of contentment and happiness. I'm sure he loves you very much and maybe he can't express that the same way your brain is wired to.

 

Your husband sounds more like ESTJ than ESTP.

ESTPs are the opposite of "risk averse", lol. In fact, ESTPs tend to take too many risks that the INFJs who are able to foresee the consequences of every action end up having to stop the ESTPs from taking risks because some of those risks might end up landing the ESTP in some deep trouble.

Also, ESTPs are far from "stable". Most of the ESTPs that I've known so far are the adventurous sort, and they are often into things like open relationships and polyamorous relationships, and it's like pulling teeth to make an ESTP get married and settle down with a family, given that they love their freedom a lot.

So your description of your husband sounds more like ESTJ than ESTP.
Unlike ESTPs, ESTJs are very stable and risk-averse.

 

I would agree they take more risks and this husband does sound like an ESTJ but it's very typist to think ESTPs can't be in loving relationships that are long and committed. The two ESTPs I know well (both are married to ISFJs) are in committed relationships that are still going. Both relationships are highschool sweethearts. One is going on their 13 anniversary in May and the other is at 25 years.

I also want to point out try to think of the MBTI and socionics as preferences but try not to analyze what relationships work and what don't. Think of falling in love with the true force of the chaos theory behind it. Countless times pairings that don't work and don't make sense end up in long-lasting loving relationships. I don't go into a relationship wondering what the four letters they've been designated by a personality test. If it works it works. I go by how much the person has in common with me, chemistry, intelligence, and the ability to compromise. I've seen an ESTJ and INFJ in a very loving relationship, including an ESTP and INFJ.

I could care less if he is an ESTJ, ESTP, or a compatible ENTP. I still want to address that she says he controls her. Like what controls are we talking about? Healthy or unhealthy?

Also even though they have Se lead and can take risks there are healthy ESTPS in the world and they are very stable.

 

Good question!

 

Yes he tests ESTJ but with his sense of time very P.

 

That's an interesting statement. What do you mean by that?

 

What do you think he thinks and feels about you and your marriage? Perhaps start by gaining an understanding of his perspective, if only to help you take some steps forward. The standard “Dear Abbey” advice is marriage counseling. I’d imagine you’re seeking thoughts and ideas short of counseling.

You’re a female INFJ. You’re awesome. Maybe a little intense, but that intensity is only one side of the coin. The other is the smart, intuitive, totally reliable partner he likely appreciates. Explain your nature to him. Tell him what you want to work towards in your life. Spoon feed him on the changes you desire while going out of your way to be totally sweet. Take the high road. Be lovable. That said, be lovably assertive. Help him understand that you only live once and you want your life to be interesting and that while you appreciate his input, you don’t need criticism.

I don’t think you need counseling to work toward bringing him along. Do The best you can. You’re a good catch. He may surprise you and start acting like it.

Good luck.

 

Thank you! He thinks our relationship is fine, he makes changes when I get intense but then we fall back into the same old pattern. It does need to be my work to remain assertive and not get into the same pattern that makes me resentful.

 

@Maya84: I'd like to introduce you to socionics.

In socionics, there is this thing known as "intertype relations", and this "intertype relations" is also the reason why you find yourself getting along with some people while clashing with others.

MBTI INFJ = Socionics IEI/INFp
MBTI ESTJ = Socionics LSE/ESTj
MBTI ESTP = Socionics SLE/ESTp

As you can see, IEI and LSE are conflictors in socionics, and according to the socionics, they are the least compatible match, and this is also the reason why you're experiencing those conflicts with your husband.
The only way to improve this marriage is to find a good female friend who is your dual type in socionics (SLE/ESTps), since our dual type is supposed to be the most compatible with us, whether it's friendships or romantic relationships. When you've a close female friend who is your dual type, your psychological state would start to improve and your communication with other types around you would start to become more pleasant as well, and this might end up improving your marriage with your husband.

Socionics conflictor: Conflicting relations between psychological ("personality") types
Socionics duality: Relations of Duality between psychological ("personality") types

 

: I'd like to introduce you to socionics.

In socionics, there is this thing known as "intertype relations", and this "intertype relations" is also the reason why you find yourself getting along with some people while clashing with others.

MBTI INFJ = Socionics IEI/INFp
MBTI ESTJ = Socionics LSE/ESTj
MBTI ESTP = Socionics SLE/ESTp

As you can see, IEI and LSE are conflictors in socionics, and according to the socionics, they are the least compatible match, and this is also the reason why you're experiencing those conflicts with your husband.
The only way to improve this marriage is to find a good female friend who is your dual type in socionics (SLE/ESTps), since our dual type is supposed to be the most compatible with us, whether it's friendships or romantic relationships. When you've a close female friend who is your dual type, your psychological state would start to improve and your communication with other types around you would start to become more pleasant as well, and this might end up improving your marriage with your husband.

I’d love to know more about further about the idea of the female friend of dual type. I don’t know much about socionics but took the sociotypes quiz and got EII-1Fi- infj. Thanks I’ll look up more

 

I’m an INFJ married to an ESTP. Married young and didn’t understand differences and need for compatibility. Perhaps I was also looking for stability and the ESTP definitely provided that. But over and over I find myself feeling lonely, misunderstood and controlled. The differences are grating on my natural tendencies and I’m wondering if we can make it work. Everything is great outwardly but I can’t shake off longing for that kindred spirit. That seems like a fantasy but my husband is like the opposite of that. I love philosophy, poetry, learning- he doesn’t get it. He talks during movies. He is so concrete I don’t get him. He’s so risk averse I feel stifled. I would be ok if we were not similar, but there was space but it is feeling more and more difficult as I am allowing myself to be more me. Thoughts?

Your husband sounds more like ESTJ than ESTP.

ESTPs are the opposite of "risk averse", lol. In fact, ESTPs tend to take too many risks that the INFJs who are able to foresee the consequences of every action end up having to stop the ESTPs from taking risks because some of those risks might end up landing the ESTP in some deep trouble.

Also, ESTPs are far from "stable". Most of the ESTPs that I've known so far are the adventurous sort, and they are often into things like open relationships and polyamorous relationships, and it's like pulling teeth to make an ESTP get married and settle down with a family, given that they love their freedom a lot.

So your description of your husband sounds more like ESTJ than ESTP.
Unlike ESTPs, ESTJs are very stable and risk-averse.

I agree. I immediately thought ESTJ. I was in a realtionship with an ESTP and I agree with the above statement about how he was unstable, impulsive and took several risks that really impacted my nervous system.

 

I’m an INFJ married to an ESTP.
...

He’s so risk averse I feel stifled.

That doesn't sound ESTP in the least bit. ESTPs are freedom loving and you'll never feel stfled around them.

You hubby is perhaps an ISTP? ISTP men can be quite the control freaks.

 

ISTPs also love freedom and usually risks and are usually the opposite of controlling... usually

This guy sounds very ESTJ to me, but what matters is what is going on with the OP.
Are things getting better? Did you decide to work on it?

 

It seems like there are some people on here misunderstanding my previous post. I actually don't type people via little details, but I typed people via my overall impressions of them.
I'm actually frigging lazy to explain my entire thoughts process and write detail-oriented posts such as this, given that Ti is my tertiary, but it seems like some people on here are apt to misunderstand my post when I didn't Ti enough inside my posts, so I'll try my best to summarise all my thoughts into this post. I prefer to look at the forest when typing someone, rather than looking at the trees. The reason why I typed the OP's husband as ESTJ is because he fits into the general profile of ESTJ:

https://www.sociotype.com/socionics/types/LSE-ESTj/
Logical-Sensory Extratim - ESTj (The Director)

Also, this is how the interaction between mbti INFJ/socionics IEI/INFp and mbti ESTj/socionics LSE/ESTj looks like, which is exactly how the relations between the OP and her husband looks like, given that the OP describes that her husband would often "find fault" with everything she does, and if you read this link below, you will realize there is a paragraph inside here that mentions about how LSEs tend to focus a lot on the quality of work and they would often find fault with the IEI:
https://www.the16types.info/vbullet...fo/vbulletin/content.php/327-Conflict-Relations-INFp-and-ESTj-by-Stratiyevskaya

The way he nitpicks details and finds faults with everything the OP does is very much how a strong Te type such as xxTJ types would interact with those who doesn't have any Te in them, such as INFJs.
I have known of a few Te types irl who does that nitpicking a lot, whether they are xxTJ types, or even the xxFP types.
I noticed that Te types tend to have a certain way of doing things, which comes across as "nitpicky" and "controlling" to INFJs.

I used to have an ESTJ boss who nitpicked me about how I smile, how I tie my hair, how I stapled the papers, and even which hand I'm using to press the calculator. Yes, he actually made fun of me for using the wrong hand to press the calculator.
That fker nitpicked me so much that he eventually end up firing me from the job.

I have also worked for other xxTJ types and also xxFP types and they also did the same nitpicking on me.
And it's not just the workplace, but even my own family is filled with Te types. And they also nitpicked non-stop on me.
My ISFP family members for example, would often nitpick on me about jobs and how I spend my money.
I also used to have an INFP friend who would often bug me every week about my job-hunting, and I know that he is just being concerned about my well-being, but this actions of his comes across as nitpicky and controlling to me and I often find myself feeling stressed out whenever he does this.

Being surrounded by Te types my entire life, I'm so familiar with Te that I can literally spot them from a mile away.

Hence I daresay that the OP's husband is an ESTJ.

 

Watch from 1:08 to 8:12

INFJ (left) validates evasive ESTJ (right)

ESTJ: Strategies for Successful Communication

An ESTJ finds it easy to establish a common ground with people of sensing/thinking (ST) personality types including ESTJ, ISTJ, ESTP, and ISTP. These types have a similar way of perceiving the world. For the most part, they keep their communication to facts and their direct implications. ESTJs find it easy to share their experience and observations with other STs, and are in turn are receptive to their experience or opinions.

ESTJs should communicate somewhat differently with the representatives of intuitive/thinking types (NT) including ENTJ, INTJ, ENTP, and INTP. They should rely on conceptual and logical communication in their interaction with these types. ESTJs can usually adapt to this manner of communication easily enough, but they may sometimes have to struggle to find the sort of argumentation that resonates well with ST NT personality types. It can occasionally lead to an ESTJ keeping just to the topics that both parties can relate to.

There are certain nuances to how ESTJs should communicate with the representatives of sensing/feeling (SF) types including ESFJ, ISFJ, ESFP, and ISFP. ESTJs should strive to keep communication with these types to concrete, tangible things and experience. This type of communication is easy to engage in for both parties. Some ESTJs may find it difficult to discuss finer feelings, but they are what forms the basis of how the SF people perceive the world. In these cases ESTJs may just want to keep the conversation within a topic that both parties can relate to.

ESTJs will find it the most challenging to communicate with intuitive/feeling (NF) personality types, including ENFJ, INFJ, ENFP, and INFP. ESTJs should emphasize concepts, ideas, and feelings in their interaction with these types. However, ESTJs find it taxing to construct a dialog in this manner. They have to strain in order to find argumentation that people from this group will understand, and thus often try to keep their communication brief. In order to establish a level of discussion that both parties will find acceptable, an ESTJ has to tune into the communicative style compatible with the NF group in advance.

What helps successful communication for an ESTJ:

• the topic deals with practical solutions
• the topic requires that active measures be taken
• the topic mostly deals with concrete, tangible issues
• the topic requires a clear understanding of how events unfold as well as of their logical interconnections

What hinders successful communication for an ESTJ:

• the topic relates to abstract and theoretical issues
• the topic has to do with the finer feelings of the soul
• prolonged communication with people from the NF group

(Source)

 

Thank you all for answering. I agree he is ESTJ who is late often, you guys are onto sth with the guesses. Definitely not open like a P. I’m in no rush to decide, but yes the nitpicking has gotten really old, and I keep longing for a different relationship where there is more curiosity, openness, connection, syncing. All my crushes, ever, have been INFPs and in my mind I ask if life can be so much happier with someone I’m more in sync with emotionally. We have a young kid, and I really hate conflict and can’t imagine triggering her to split homes, but I also feel that our relationship is very dead and in some ways I don’t want to give up on finding connection. But knowing my dreamy side, I wonder if I should even trust this fantasy.