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INFJ - INTP relationship

8.4K views 28 replies 8 participants last post by  737vrp  
#1 ·
I had high hopes for an INTP-INFJ relationship possibility, however now I'm deciding against it. I'm interested in knowing your thoughts.

Pros: Countless, from my point of view at least, and some from the point of view of the INFJ.

Cons (from the INTP's point of view):

- INFJs seem to be interested in INTPs, but they also easily get distracted and forget they were interested. This seems to be because INFJs are easily swayed by everyone. This is another reason why INTPs like them - they listen to us. But in the end INFJs only listen to INTPs because they listen to everyone who sounds convincing and this means anyone can sway them whichever way. Which means that there is no security for the INTP. None at all. And there never will be. Because it's not our job to keep wasting our time trying to convince you to stay with us.

Cons (from the INFJ POV):

  • (Fill in the blanks, I don't really care).
  • INTPs are great, but they don't have what this other girl has. Or what that one has. Or what the other one has.

Cons (from the INFJ POV regarding type XXXX):

  • (Fill in the blanks, I don't really care).
  • XXXXs are great, but they don't have what this other girl has. Or what that one has. Or what the other one has.

I wonder how an INFJ feels when they get doorslammed?
 
#2 · (Edited)
INTP-INFJ (ex) couples. Most of the relationships were broken by the INTP, but the general discontentments expressed by the INFJs I know are :
  • INTP partner is too blunt and not tactful enough.
  • INTP partner isn't emotionally supportive enough.
  • INTP partner doesn't show enough recognition.
  • INTP partner wears self-esteem down too much.
  • INFJs don't feel emotionally secure nor recognized for their qualities.
  • INFJs don't feel capable of meeting the INTP's expectations.

I want to add some pros because that doesn't feel good otherwise. Contentments expressed by INFJs are often: feel physically, mentally, and spiritually connected. "Soulmate/mind mate" feeling. Great conversations. Also: they never felt invaded in their space and autonomy.


Also, doorslammed INFJ told me: she felt so heartbroken, the hurt was so big, that it made her feel empty and numb inside. She already had a hard time loving herself, and she felt even more unlovable afterward. She didn't want to feel that ever again.
 
#3 ·
what a coincidence! i have a current close friend who’s an INTP that i’m having a small argument with. i value objectivity, so i’ll try to explain my experiences the best i can (without crapping on INTP in general, of course)

just a disclaimer: despite having similar mbti, everyone has their own unique experiences, values and struggles that separates them from the stereotype right? but this is my experience.

as an INFJ i’m very particular to who i trust and spend my energy on. obviously i’m also very idealistic so i tend to question my intimate relationships (romance or not). i’ve then concluded that my value is to be emotionally fulfilled.

it’s something that i couldn’t get with any xxTx people (unless their Fe/Fi is developed) and it’s something that i couldn’t get with my close INTP friend. she’s a good listener and supportive. i’ve been drawn to INTP’s because of their ability to listen, to not hold grudges and their vast knowledge in a lot of things. it’s always fun discussing with them.

my problem that i have with my friend is that they’re very stubborn. like a lot of xxTx people, they value their ego highly and would debate just for the sake of winning it, despite having given different hypothesis. she refuses to listen to it and would often bring up the topic again and again in order to win the argument. i i’m alright with bluntness, but baseless arguments with nothing to gain feels weird to me.

personally i also don’t like my friend’s mindset that she’s okay befriending abusive and toxic people as long as they’re not abusive towards her. it feels weird, not only because i’m a feeler, because it felt narcissistic to validate a person’s horrible behaviour. is this common in INTP’s?

anyway, with enough contribution and trust, any types who are healthy can manage a relationship with one another. but in the end, it really depends on what you value, on what you want. i think INFJ’s need to try trusting people and think twice about their idealistic views (to avoid doorslamming) and INTP’s need to swallow their pride and communicate properly.

outside of our argument, i’m content with my INTP friend, but would i be emotionally stimulated? fulfilled? i probably won’t. i can’t speak for every INFx but i value intimate relationships and will keep seeking for a person that’s willing to do that. this can happen in me ghosting a few people (something i’m trynna work on!)

it sounds like you have a personal beef with an INFJ.. xxTx people are usually objective, so i hope your personal judgement won’t cloud your decisions and i wish you the best!
 
#19 ·
what a coincidence! i have a current close friend who’s an INTP that i’m having a small argument with. i value objectivity, so i’ll try to explain my experiences the best i can (without crapping on INTP in general, of course)

just a disclaimer: despite having similar mbti, everyone has their own unique experiences, values and struggles that separates them from the stereotype right? but this is my experience.

as an INFJ i’m very particular to who i trust and spend my energy on. obviously i’m also very idealistic so i tend to question my intimate relationships (romance or not). i’ve then concluded that my value is to be emotionally fulfilled.

it’s something that i couldn’t get with any xxTx people (unless their Fe/Fi is developed) and it’s something that i couldn’t get with my close INTP friend. she’s a good listener and supportive. i’ve been drawn to INTP’s because of their ability to listen, to not hold grudges and their vast knowledge in a lot of things. it’s always fun discussing with them.

my problem that i have with my friend is that they’re very stubborn. like a lot of xxTx people, they value their ego highly and would debate just for the sake of winning it, despite having given different hypothesis. she refuses to listen to it and would often bring up the topic again and again in order to win the argument. i i’m alright with bluntness, but baseless arguments with nothing to gain feels weird to me.

personally i also don’t like my friend’s mindset that she’s okay befriending abusive and toxic people as long as they’re not abusive towards her. it feels weird, not only because i’m a feeler, because it felt narcissistic to validate a person’s horrible behaviour. is this common in INTP’s?

anyway, with enough contribution and trust, any types who are healthy can manage a relationship with one another. but in the end, it really depends on what you value, on what you want. i think INFJ’s need to try trusting people and think twice about their idealistic views (to avoid doorslamming) and INTP’s need to swallow their pride and communicate properly.

outside of our argument, i’m content with my INTP friend, but would i be emotionally stimulated? fulfilled? i probably won’t. i can’t speak for every INFx but i value intimate relationships and will keep seeking for a person that’s willing to do that. this can happen in me ghosting a few people (something i’m trynna work on!)

it sounds like you have a personal beef with an INFJ.. xxTx people are usually objective, so i hope your personal judgement won’t cloud your decisions and i wish you the best!
Thanks for your reply, and sorry for the very slow response. I think like others on here mentioned he's more likely to be an ENFJ. I think perhaps my enneagram helps me to form closer (and more) relationships than might be typical for other INTPs - the XNFJ and myself definitely didn't have any problems becoming close (I think this was in large part due to his openness).

Also I think you'll find that INTPs rarely argue just for the sake of it (if ever). If someone is trying to argue with me about something I know they are misinformed about it's highly likely I won't bother to convince them otherwise unless there is something in it for me or I care about them enough to point out the problems in their thinking (whether I do this could depend on how they have been known to react, for example). The other time I argue is when I'm trying to clarify something in my thinking and talking about it/ writing it down helps - or, the most likely scenario, I'm hoping to gain more information or a greater understanding (finding the missing links). Not understanding things properly can be extremely frustrating.
 
#5 ·
I had high hopes for an INTP-INFJ relationship possibility, however now I'm deciding against it. I'm interested in knowing your thoughts.

Pros: Countless, from my point of view at least, and some from the point of view of the INFJ.

Cons (from the INTP's point of view):

- INFJs seem to be interested in INTPs, but they also easily get distracted and forget they were interested. This seems to be because INFJs are easily swayed by everyone. This is another reason why INTPs like them - they listen to us. But in the end INFJs only listen to INTPs because they listen to everyone who sounds convincing and this means anyone can sway them whichever way. Which means that there is no security for the INTP. None at all. And there never will be. Because it's not our job to keep wasting our time trying to convince you to stay with us.

Cons (from the INFJ POV):

  • (Fill in the blanks, I don't really care).
  • INTPs are great, but they don't have what this other girl has. Or what that one has. Or what the other one has.

Cons (from the INFJ POV regarding type XXXX):

  • (Fill in the blanks, I don't really care).
  • XXXXs are great, but they don't have what this other girl has. Or what that one has. Or what the other one has.

I wonder how an INFJ feels when they get doorslammed?
That sounds a bit more like high Ne if I’m going to be honest. Are you sure this person is an INFJ? A lot of ENFP 2’s or 4’s mistype as xNFJs - especially as INFJs.
 
#7 ·
I thought ENFJ. He claimed to be an introvert. Then I thought about it and thought it could fit given how much one-on-one time he likes and various other things (like solitude).

If this person really is an INFJ, you could be misreading them.

The INFJ in question could be accidentally leading you on with how friendly/playful they may act. They may actually seem to sway to certain characteristics in others because those people may actually have attributes of their (romantic) type.

I don’t think that’s the case though, because what you describe sounds like a high Fe user or high Ne user type 2. Probably ENFx, though now I’m leaning towards ENFJ because I’ve had a similar situation with one (and have met others with the same situation)
I feel like maybe you're right. It started as a romantic relationship but perhaps it faded over time and I should have let go a lot sooner before I got hurt so badly. But why does he keep contacting me wanting to explain and not leave things with such a bad ending? Almost seems like he wants to be the one closing the door on me. Or wants to not have me mad at him because I should be blaming myself because I should have left sooner. I feel like contact at this stage is going to be him casting all the blame on me and taking no responsibilty for anything at all. Just making me feel stupid.
 
#6 ·
I had high hopes for an INTP-INFJ relationship possibility, however now I'm deciding against it. I'm interested in knowing your thoughts.

Pros: Countless, from my point of view at least, and some from the point of view of the INFJ.

Cons (from the INTP's point of view):

- INFJs seem to be interested in INTPs, but they also easily get distracted and forget they were interested. This seems to be because INFJs are easily swayed by everyone. This is another reason why INTPs like them - they listen to us. But in the end INFJs only listen to INTPs because they listen to everyone who sounds convincing and this means anyone can sway them whichever way. Which means that there is no security for the INTP. None at all. And there never will be. Because it's not our job to keep wasting our time trying to convince you to stay with us.

Cons (from the INFJ POV):

  • (Fill in the blanks, I don't really care).
  • INTPs are great, but they don't have what this other girl has. Or what that one has. Or what the other one has.

Cons (from the INFJ POV regarding type XXXX):

  • (Fill in the blanks, I don't really care).
  • XXXXs are great, but they don't have what this other girl has. Or what that one has. Or what the other one has.

I wonder how an INFJ feels when they get doorslammed?
If this person really is an INFJ, you could be misreading them.

The INFJ in question could be accidentally leading you on with how friendly/playful they may act. They may actually seem to sway to certain characteristics in others because those people may actually have attributes of their (romantic) type.

I don’t think that’s the case though, because what you describe sounds like a high Fe user or high Ne user type 2. Probably ENFx, though now I’m leaning towards ENFJ because I’ve had a similar situation with one (and have met others with the same situation)
 
#20 ·
might be a old thread.

But as someone else said.

As intp i don't really argue. With others.
Maybe it appears like that.
We are looking for data , what might appear as arguing is us throwing out our data and hoping you can approve or disapprove with better data.
Certainly has no emotional foundation, since we are not really emotionally attached to ideas or concepts etc.
How could we be emotionally attached when the thing we do is break ideas and concept open and dissect it to look for flaws and then to assemble them again with right data..

thats our whole cause of analyzing...finding flaws,contradictions etc and explain why that is.


Arguing to win seems more like an INTJ thing.
We understand pretty well , everyone has their own model of framework,and many models have a poor foundation, but we are not gonna argue or change you.
We know living with bad models or framework has a direct impact on the individual life, even iuf he is not aware of it, we are aware of it.

Hence we care more about our own framework and models, hence we export our data to test if others could spot something we might have overlooked.
We are the first to thank someone if you can give us new insights so we can update new frameworks etc.

We also sense when someone is stuck in their ego trying to prove who is right or wrong etc, its not a matter of right and wrong imo..

Its a matter of is this thought viable...can it work..if not..how to make it work..

we are not gonna waste our time arguing with a human being, we will do that in our own spare time with ourselves using different thought patterns.
 
#21 · (Edited)
Cons (from the INFJ POV):

  • (Fill in the blanks, I don't really care).
  • INTPs are great, but they don't have what this other girl has. Or what that one has. Or what the other one has.
Not enough Fe-Fes. :)

I like INTPs. We just stay friends though, we're both pretty passive and lonery, don't get into romantic relationships easy.
But really, if I'm sincerely interested in someone (not just curious), it's kinda hard to forget them because of all the obsessive thoughts. I hate having crushes with people who aren't on the same page. I might try to distract myself from them but it's like having a horrible parasite eat away at your heart and it won't die until its left you hollow.
 
#24 · (Edited)
Well we do make the distinquish between crush and love.

Crush is based on projection from our own internal pov.

Love is based on accepting someone without projection anymore.

From that Pov, you cannot take crushes seriously..well i can't as intp.

I'm like...oh you again...we both know you are fake and not real...(crush feeling goes sad face)
But i'll allow you to hang around ,just don't get in my way...(crush feeling goes happy face)
(crush feeling): But maybe it is real...
Me: Highly unlikely, because your existent is based on nothing but 'believe' and not reality, me knowing human nature and why they look for love in the first place is all i need to know, besides that..even if it was real..now i need to watch what i say and do so the human doesn't get hurt etc, i need to feed 'it' food,attention,words,emotion etc.

Me: We both know how bad i'm at that..so let's not ruin the human life and find out if its real or not...besides that , its not our task in this life.
Me: So i give you 1 finger..don't take my hand..

(Crush feeling) ; okay okay...i'll be nice

Me: Good..enjoy it will it last, because you ill die soon anyways..
(Crush feeling) : Ugh you so..cold.
Me: Well that's a perspective one can have, i rather call it harsh truth or facts, another reason we shouldn't mingle with just any human because they look nice or act nice etc. Thanks for making my point again. You see you guys are like the depiction of cupido, bringing people together who shouldn't be together in the first place...And after all the shit hits the fan, now the 2 humans have trauma and walls around their hearts, now in what worlds does that make humanity better...more loving etc..it doesn't its contraproductive..it creates trust issues etc

(crush feeling): enjoy his little time he has on earth within boundaries.

Me: Finding solutions for humanity to destroy this walls and prevent and at the same time secure the love that resides deep in each and one of us.
 
#26 ·
Well we do make the distinquish between crush and love.

Crush is based on projection from our own internal pov.

Love is based on accepting someone without projection anymore.

From that Pov, you cannot take crushes seriously..well i can't as intp.


I'm like...oh you again...we both know you are fake and not real...(crush feeling goes sad face)
But i'll allow you to hang around ,just don't get in my way...(crush feeling goes happy face)
(crush feeling): But maybe it is real...
Me: Highly unlikely, because your existent is based on nothing but 'believe' and not reality, me knowing human nature and why they look for love in the first place is all i need to know, besides that..even if it was real..now i need to watch what i say and do so the human doesn't get hurt etc, i need to feed 'it' food,attention,words,emotion etc.

Me: We both know how bad i'm at that..so let's not ruin the human life and find out if its real or not...besides that , its not our task in this life.
Me: So i give you 1 finger..don't take my hand..

(Crush feeling) ; okay okay...i'll be nice

Me: Good..enjoy it will it last, because you ill die soon anyways..
(Crush feeling) : Ugh you so..cold.
Me: Well that's a perspective one can have, i rather call it harsh truth or facts, another reason we shouldn't mingle with just any human because they look nice or act nice etc. Thanks for making my point again. You see you guys are like the depiction of cupido, bringing people together who shouldn't be together in the first place...And after all the shit hits the fan, now the 2 humans have trauma and walls around their hearts, now in what worlds does that make humanity better...more loving etc..it doesn't its contraproductive..it creates trust issues etc

(crush feeling): enjoy his little time he has on earth within boundaries.

Me: Finding solutions for humanity to destroy this walls and prevent and at the same time secure the love that resides deep in each and one of us.
I suppose so. But if you couldn't take crushes seriously then there's no chance for romantic relationships to begin with, so I don't think it's such a bad thing in general.
Sure crushes can spawn some bad relationships that probably shouldn't have happened, but whatever, I take the bad as a learning experience, they can spawn good ones as well so for that alone I'm glad I still get crushes despite the annoying unrequited ones.
 
#28 ·
I had high hopes for an INTP-INFJ relationship possibility, however now I'm deciding against it. I'm interested in knowing your thoughts.

Pros: Countless, from my point of view at least, and some from the point of view of the INFJ.

Cons (from the INTP's point of view):

- INFJs seem to be interested in INTPs, but they also easily get distracted and forget they were interested. This seems to be because INFJs are easily swayed by everyone. This is another reason why INTPs like them - they listen to us. But in the end INFJs only listen to INTPs because they listen to everyone who sounds convincing and this means anyone can sway them whichever way. Which means that there is no security for the INTP. None at all. And there never will be. Because it's not our job to keep wasting our time trying to convince you to stay with us.

Cons (from the INFJ POV):

  • (Fill in the blanks, I don't really care).
  • INTPs are great, but they don't have what this other girl has. Or what that one has. Or what the other one has.

Cons (from the INFJ POV regarding type XXXX):

  • (Fill in the blanks, I don't really care).
  • XXXXs are great, but they don't have what this other girl has. Or what that one has. Or what the other one has.

I wonder how an INFJ feels when they get doorslammed?
Make sure it's no a nemesis issue.

INTP, due to Te nemesis, "INTPs literally walk in life believing other people are stupid". INTPs don't trust people’s judgments. Its that simple.

INFJs on the other hand, don't relate to that, they think they are smart but I also think there are other people smarter than them. They think I have a lot to learn from other people.

On the other hand INFJs nemesis is Ne paranoia. The optimistic "look at all the possibilities" of the ENFP is basically "look at all the bad possibilities" of the INFJ. INFJs have trust issues if you will.

"INTJ & INFJ want die-hard loyalty from other people", Se inferior wants you to give people good experiences, because if you give people good experiences they will like you, and they will love you, and they will value you, but because of Se inferior combined with Ne nemesis they believe that if they don't give people good enough reasons to be with them they will leave them, so they need to give people good reasons to be with them, they need to perform well, so they will be with the INFJ. Because the second they have no reasons to do so, they will leave the INFJ. If they perform, and make those people feel good to be with them, they won't leave the INFJ.

But INFJ I also give people loyality tests, nothing extreme although I heard INTJs and INFJs can go much more extreme, basically do a bad thing here and there to see how they still feel about me, to test their loyality basically, like being late, not following up with that commitment, would you still like me after that? and I know it's 100% stupid, and I know it's a hypocrisy, like INFJs want people to love you for the way you perform but you also give them reasons not to love you so you test their loyality? isn't it contradictory? yes it is. I'm great like this, but let's see if I'm not, would you still be with me?