I can empathise with you. I dated an ISFJ for 4 years and there were similar struggles. In the relationship I felt very stifled because she was quite controlling and had very strict expectations of me. This included expectations about how I ought to be behave, particularly in regards to gender-defined stereotypes which she wished I could fulfill.

There were communication difficulties as well since both of us operated on different wavelengths. I enjoyed talking about more abstract topics which she disinterested her and I found myself often yearning to be able to talk in my natural language - often feeling I had to speak in her more down-to-earth concrete tongue. Our relationship was filled with extremes. The lows were very low, but the highs soared. We had some amazing times together, but things just didn't work out because the above problems posed too big a problem - and we were too young and immature to solve the problem, or even desire to solve the problem.

I don't doubt that an INFP-ISFJ relationship would work fine, since type is not an indicator for relationship success. I would advise telling all these things you have typed out here to your partner as communication (as in all relationships) is extremely important. This is compounded by the fact that both INFPs and ISFJs internalise a lot of things, are conflict-avoidant and feel remiss about saying things that may upset their partner. I also highly recommend both you and your partner give each other space and seek out friendships outside the relationship. In my opinion friends are vital to the health of relationships where partners are quite different as friends can fill certain gaps and needs that your partner cannot provide. Also having space from time to time via friendship is just good for your health, and the health of the relationship - so you don't destroy each other in your particular bubble of loneliness.

 

It all sounds familiar. I have two good ISFJ friends married to NPs. One couple have made it 20yrs with a lot of counseling (not all problems type related they have used MBTI to help them understand some key differences and communication problems). The other couple, well that's my best friend and I haven't talked to her husband but from what I hear of her side of things I imagine that he must feel a lot like you do, or even worse maybe because they are both in a really, really unhealthy place. I feel bad for both of them.

There is hope where there is mutual humility. That is what I learned from the first couple I mentioned. Is she open to discussing and recognizing these differences as legitimate personality strengths/preferences and learning to understand and respect them as such in spite of them being devalued in her own personality?

 

Thank you so much for answering!

There is hope where there is mutual humility. That is what I learned from the first couple I mentioned. Is she open to discussing and recognizing these differences as legitimate personality strengths/preferences and learning to understand and respect them as such in spite of them being devalued in her own personality?

Well, in the past I have brought up that I think our problem is not just related to me or her not willing to change.
I have allways had this feeling that there is more to it. I also talked to her about it two days ago, and asked her to take the test. She did take the test, but didn't really show any interest beyond shrugging her shoulders. I don't think she believes that different personlities has anything to do with our problems.

In the past I have done things that made her not trust me. I felt I could not breathe, but here's what hapened. I was on an overnight travel with my employer. That same night Iron Maiden had a consert in the city I was in. I had told my girlfriend that I wanted to meet some buddies and go to the concert. She did not like that and said I couldn't go. That night I sent her an sms telling her I was tired an wanted to go to bed early. What I really did was meeting my buddies, going to the concert and ending up in a strip joint (nothing bad happened, just followed the flock).
I chose not to tell her about any of it.

A few months later my buddy sent a text refering to that night, wich my partner saw. It broke her heart and I don't think she has ever trusted me again after that.

--

Many times I have wondered what is wrong with me. Why can't I just settle and fall in line?
I took three different personality test, and every time i was classified as an INFP. So many missing pieces in my life-puzzle just fell into place. I finally felt that it's ok to be the way I am. I now know why she thinks I'm lazy and why I thinks she is bossy. I finally understand why i get so bored listening to her when she's ranting about a broken lightbulb or how absentmindedly I can be. I now understand why I so often drive past the exit when I'm picking up the kids in the kindergarden. I'm spending so much time inside my mind, and many times I do not notice what is going on around me.

I have also learned that the biggest missing piece in my life right now is to have someone I can have deep, abstract, philosophical, futuristic, what if - conversation with. I don't think she could ever provide me that, so I'm not really sure what to do next.

 

I have a friend of ISFJ that I really appreciate. This is really a good friend. But this is disturbing because I don't have the capacity to care about her too much when she is in front of me... The relation seems to me very unequal. I feed her emotionnaly with emotional support and encouragement. She nurters me: she organize events to meet, cook etc.

We are here together, but our communication is uninteresting, these is incredible and at the same time psychologically tiring (because I have the desire of be pleasant and funny when I am in group and I have the impression that she is bored when I do that).
And I know she needs someone to think about her, but when I am alone I am very in my thought and think only about my internal world.
So we have a weird friendship and I must avowed it would be broken if my other friends were not in our relationship.

We, otherwise, have a deep will to "heal" people.

 

Most of my aunts are ISFJs. They're nice and sweet, but they're so corny and they don't understand me.

 

My co-teacher is an ISFJ. Of course, a professional working relationship has very little in common with romantic relationships, but it was interesting to learn more about the type.

Si-Dom Fe-Aux, and Fi-Dom Ne-Aux could be a very tricky combination indeed. It's an obvious statement, but trust would be really important between the types. Our quirks as INFPs need to be viewed as personality traits or strengths, not weaknesses. My sister is (I strongly suspect) a Si-Dom ISTJ and my dad (also INFP) and I frustrate her very often.

And the INFP needs to show respect for the ISFJ's strengths as well. I'm amazed at Si-Dom's ability to replicate results. Predictability of routine, as much I'm terrible at it, can be comfortable to me. How supportive Fe-Aux can be.

The main thing is that what makes you, you, isn't a personality defect.

 

Coincidently, I was just reading an ebook last night on INFP relationships and well, you sure are a case study. To pass along a few ideas -- (said kindly) get a backbone, quit the martyrdom, face up to conflict. All that you have been doing to AVOID conflict in your relationship has contributed to its demise. Though your intentions were pure, it has been unkind to perpetuate her controlling, disrespect, (though she may not recognize these two as such) and insecurity. Sure, she may not have responded well and the relationship may have ended a long time ago and you and everyone else wouldn't be in such a terrible situation now and facing such huge consequences. I feel for you, and I wish there was a way for the two of you and your children to live happily ever after together but whatever you do going forward, in this relationship or any future relationship, please work on healthy confrontation and boundaries. I hope this comes across the right way. I truly do feel for you and I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this. I don't see any painless path forward.

 

Intelectually I kind of know all these things. Whatever I do I tend to think that everything will be fine eventually. In the case of my relationship with her, I've spend ten years trying to conclude what needs to be done. I do not think she means ill with anything she does. She spends all of her time in reality.. For me it's more like 50/50. I love thinking/talking about weird concepts, and for her it's all about everyday life. I love science fiction and fantasy based movies, but she will not watch a movie if it has no base in reality.

In the start of the relationship i resisted a lot and stood up for my self, but over the years I think i just caved in and decided to try to be more normal (according to her view). I felt like an outsider, and no support around me that could tell me any different. This has resulted in a feeling of emtiness and sadness.

I know I need to end the relationship... I just know. But have no idea on how to do it. I will definately have to wait for the holidays to pass. In my mind I'm thinking that I should give it one more chance, but with the criterea that she must take me as I am. And I would have to show her how I really am. I don't think she will accept me for who i truly am, and it will probably be the end of the relationship anyway. I have noticed that when I express some of my meanings/feelings to her, she thinks I am selfish and think like a single person.

Only time will show what happen with us. I'll make sure to post an update when things are either stable or ended.

 

Just a quick update. I am still in the relationship. Still thinking about leaving every day. I just reached out to one of my best buddys from the past, and told him that I needed his advice on how to proceed. He was very cool about it, and we decided to meet within a week or two, over a couple of beers. Have not told my girlfriend about it yet, but will do it today. I suspect she will not be happy about it. I am incredibly disappointed by my lack of strength and ability to grow a backbone. Just want to get it over with and start healing and growing as a person again. Don't want to ruin the summer holidays for the kids, so will have to wait a few more weeks though.

I have come to the conclusion that I just don't love her anymore (and I have also realized that I have never experienced how it's like to be truly in love).. And it's the hardest thing in the world to tell her. I know it will break her for a long long time. But in the long run I know it's for the best for everyone.

So... This is me.. Spending years thinking about breaking up. Once this is over I really, really hope I will be able to change that about myself.

 

Thanks for the update, @jarhus. I thought of you recently and had been wondering how things were.

 

Sorry bud. I think I will share my experience:

My first girlfriend... well, she did tests and tested as INFJ first, then INFP. Then I saw maybe ISFP, but now I'm sure she's an ISFJ, obvious Si dominance. But I disgress. My first girlfriend is probably an ISFJ, and althought the relationship was cute, it didn't last.

It was forced, maybe, but we didn't stop talking after that and now we're good friends. It doesn't feel forced anymore and I can truly appreciate her nature and I love her for what she is. I think IxFP and IxFJ friendships are just so natural and pure, these types are drawn to eachother. However feels like they're more drawn on the friendship aspect, rather than the romantic aspect. Still, I find IxFJ girls attractive.

Sorry yours didn't turn out well, hope you both heal. Maybe it wasn't meant to be a relationship? Who knows.

 

Can't say I've had any positive experiences with ISFJs. They are controlling, suffocating, narrow minded, terrified of changes in routine, terrified of speaking about feelings, there is a glass ceiling to the conversations from their part. This is not to offend anyone, it is simply to estate that I do not find us compatible in the slightest, not even as friends or family.
There is also the issue that ISFJs can't stand conflict, I'd say they hate it even more than INFPs do, and I'm not surprised whenever I hear about NFP-ISFJ relationships where both people are unhappy but not talking about it. In the ones I've seen, it's common that the NFP speaks out first and the ISFJ refuses to do anything because they fear change of routine. They get comfy being unhappy and once that negative feeling is what they get used to, they cling to it.

I think that for me, their potent Si and Fe are a killer. Pure incompatibility between us ime.

 

Well it is time for an update. This is a huge one!

I have finally managed to break out. I told that I had no romantic feelings for her anymore. It was a hard blow, but not as hard as I would have thought. I don't think she loves me (although she will not admit this, even for her self), but are extremly unhappy about the big change that follows. I moved out three weeks ago, and it feels like a weight has been lifted of my shoulders. It already feels like I am connecting more with others, and I am able to be myself. The huge backside is that I miss my kids very much, although I try to see them as much as I can.

So, I am going to visit tomorrow, to see my kids, but also to discuss what happens with our house etc. I think she might try to convince me that we should give it one more try, but I am dedicated to staying strong this time. No more lies. I will tell her that this is it for us. In the past, I have had a bad habit of providing hope where there is none.

 

How have you been doing, @jarhus ? How are your kids doing?