OK, yet another INTJ question from me. I recently started popping up amongst an old group of friends, infrequently, but more often than I had for the past year or so. An INTJ friend that belongs to this old group of friends does not come out very often when I'm out with the group anymore--but he used to all the time. He recently offered to get me into his gym for free and I took him up on the offer, and had a nice time catching up. Since then, he still avoids going out when I'm with the group (but he may do this with or without me there, not sure) unless he has to attend, like for a birthday. When I do actually see him out with friends, he is very, very quiet at first, hardly looks at me, then, later in the night, eases up and becomes relatively chatty (probably with help from alcohol), and then leaves in the middle of the social event when I've used the restroom or went outside for a minute -- no goodbye, no word.

I guess I wouldn't find this too strange if he hadn't sneaked off numerous times years ago too. This behavior seems to happen more often when he hasn't had frequent contact with me in a while, like when I first started hanging out with the group, or after breaks in hanging out. It doesn't make much sense to me that he becomes friendly and then runs away (I admit, this is how I see it and probably not how he does).

Insight into this behavoir?

I haven't really thought of it much but when you mentioned that this happens when it's been a while since he last saw you it very much reminds me of how I am with people I haven't seen in even just a few months. For example almost any of my roommates I have had I haven't seen from in quite some time but when I meet them by chance or even not it just feels awkward to me. I don't know why and I even think it's weird but even knowing that it doesn't make me comfortable enough to chat away again.

Though I have gotten better over time I think.

Also your friend may like you, I do similar things with someone I like but I don't want to go for it because she was a childhood friend and our families are very close.

 

Yes. Very common. Even people I am reasonably good friends with, I have to force myself to be present at the beginning of meeting up with them. When the situation gets more comfortable, it's generally fine. But if overwhelmed by either a lack of stimulation, or an overabundance of small talk, I will use the first opportunity to take a hike. I used to "disappear", but now I try to at least tell whomever I'm with that I'm leaving. However, I will leave, even if they beg me to stay.

 

I am notorious for leaving without saying a word. I rarely speak in a group and it's very challenging for me to participate in a group activity.

 

Does this apply to you even if you've known everyone in that group for years and have been very close with most of them, and one is your best friend and roommate? Could be, just curious. He wasn't always uncomfortable in groups. He used to initiate group activities all the time, especially this particular group.

 

Social situations require forced interaction and small talk, which can be taxing. It's not really very exciting to meet up with people, even good friends, unless it's specifically something I want to be doing. If I have something else on my mind, I will not be very present or very much fun to be around, and I will be looking at the clock and timing my escape.

So when you mentioned that he used to plan the social situations, those worked out well because they were things he specifically wanted to do. If you can manage to get him to find something he wants to do, that you all can do, then it might work out better. But, he may also have simply moved on: Another trait of mine is that I simply get tired of people, and end up never feeling motivated to see them again. It's not their fault, it's just that I've lost interest.

 

To title: Sounds familiar.

I had just thought about this on the train as I was reflecting on things...:
I remembered my attempts for socialization. The several (very enjoyable, I must say) trials I have made to enter very different kinds of groups seem sufficient enough for me at this point - I do not wish to participate in those same spheres again, or at least not as frequently - and if I do, because of the appreciation I have experienced there, it'll likely be with a different outlook. You could say I'm wary of some things and shift my focus.
After enough time spent, I seem to feel a need to refrain from these things that may become morbid to me as I explore and discover new areas of interest and/or -yet again- different perspectives.
Note: this does not mean I have no interest in friendships and maintaining those or that I suddenly like people less. I referred to very frequent or repetitive group activities, with absolutely no intention to offend.

So from my point of view, it appears he may have gone to those events more frequently, in the past, because of a habitual or cultural thing + sheer interest and/or curiosity + actual fondness, but refuses to join it to the same extent today as he *may* be wary of it *at this point*...
I'm sure he still likes you and the rest of the friends, and when you initiate for him to come along it may give him more of a motive to join you in social things. But it's possible that his interest in the actual social activity may not be as big as it used to be -> as explained above.
Given the INTJ he is, this is quite natural and so you shouldn't be too surprised if he doesn't jump at big social events *all* the time. But since you mentioned he does still go to birthdays and such I'm sure he still cares . (I dare to assume an INTJ would not be inclined to go to a birthday party of a person they dislike, if they can't find a good reason for it...)

If this is still too mysterious for you, I'm sure you could ask him in a casual manner.

I also hope what I said didn't appear too blunt or uncaring - I tried to explain how I see things from my point of view with no relation to the actual likability that is found in people.

 

I definitely didn't think you were too blunt or uncaring.

I think I enjoy my INTJ friend and ask general questions about INTJs because they ARE mysterious. So, as frustrating as trying to understand my friend can be sometimes, it's the main reason I'm bothering to inquire about or attempting to interpret his behavior. Others bore me after awhile. Maybe that's what pushes me to ask about his tendency to disappear. That it could mean he's bored, and I am not used to being the borer, but rather the boree.

Regardless, I think it may also have a lot to do with not enjoying small talk, and although he was chatty by the middle of the night, he might have felt that all decent conversation had been exhausted by then and left. I just find it strange that he waited till I went to the bathroom. I guess I was afraid that he is scared of me now and doesn’t want to talk to me, so when he gets drawn into a conversation with me, he then wants to run away. Haha, probably not the case, but I try to think of all possibilities.

 

INTJs aren't anti-social out of fear of social situations. Your friend probably isn't scared of you. INTJs just simply aren't motivated by fear or low self-esteem. They are more anti-social out of how quickly boring a social situation has the potential to become. On my own, I am never bored, and never feel I have enough time to accomplish everything I want to accomplish. Social situations can be seen a waste of time if there's no stimulation. If I'm doing what I like to do, and if I'm getting something out of it, I will flourish in a social situation.

The temptation is to just avoid it more than not because social situations are more likely to be boring than stimulating. But, sometimes they are a nice surprise.

 

I'd say he has a thing for ya.

 

Ha, well, it's possible, and he may not want to "have a thing" for me. Who knows with him. There was a time we confessed that we liked each other, but it was years ago. I'm starting to lean towards maybe he doesn't want to be a good friend to me like he used to and so is keeping his distance. On top of that, he probably is bored by small talk, and on top of that, bored of the old friend group. I understand this. Although I am not at all bored of the old friend group, I have been bored of many in the past, and can understand how those people, even if you still love 'em, no longer stimulate you like they used to. Guess that's what happens when people move on and change.

 

It's possible for me to avoid girl "I think" I have feeling for. I dont really like to have feeling in the way. Either that or when people start to add up in a group, I just lose interest in fighting to express my point of view or contribute. Pass a certain amount of people (I'd say 4 is pretty much the most I can take) I dont really see a point in staying in a group unless I see the discussion splitting in two smaller groups..

 

It's possible for me to avoid girl "I think" I have feeling for. I dont really like to have feeling in the way.

Yes, that is true. If I like someone, I would probably show zero interest in them within a group, but if I had enough time alone with them, I would definitely let them know.

 

I think the deal for me is that I rarely find good friends whom I have so much in common with, and I don't like letting them go when I do find them. I hold on till my fingers bleed, they just probably don't realize. This INTJ friend of mine is one of them. I've done a similar thing to my INTP friend, as well. I've semi-successfully brought him back into my life after a year of separation (again, not romantically). So, I am saying that, yes, I had feelings for the INTJ at one time, but I gave up on that going anywhere some time ago. Guess I am not ready to let his friendship go. And also enjoy trying to figure both him and the INTP friend out.

 

I've been pretty close to an INTJ for about a year ... and he is, without a doubt, a MAJOR 'runaway'. Not just away from small social gatherings either ... there have been times when he's actually left the city in a moment's notice and saw no major problem with it (his family and friends, however, DID).

For him I believe it is to remove himself from any situation in which he feels he has lost control of. I could be wrong, but I've noticed that INTJs like the ability to control situations ... not necessarily in a bad way ...

Maybe the "running away" is the result of being 'removed from the loop', so-to-speak. Often INTJs need to feel intrigued and involved in social situations ... they can observe and be more of a wallflower, but the general tone has to include / interest them in some way, or they simply feel like bouncin'.

I've noticed this because if I'm not directly involved in a social situation, I'll find a smooth way into it (maybe not "smooth", but I'll find a way, lol). I dislike being on the outside. He won't barge in, whereas I will. I know, it's so sad. :blushed:

 

... and he is, without a doubt, a MAJOR 'runaway'. Not just away from small social gatherings either ... there have been times when he's actually left the city in a moment's notice and saw no major problem with it (his family and friends, however, DID).

That sounds very familiar.

.For him I believe it is to remove himself from any situation in which he feels he has lost control of. I could be wrong, but I've noticed that INTJs like the ability to control situations ... not necessarily in a bad way ...

Maybe the "running away" is the result of being 'removed from the loop', so-to-speak. Often INTJs need to feel intrigued and involved in social situations ... they can observe and be more of a wallflower, but the general tone has to include / interest them in some way, or they simply feel like bouncin'.

Yep. If there's no clear purpose in the social activity, and there's no way to pin down "the point", it's going to be hard for an INTJ to stick it out. But it may not being feeling removed from the loop, because there are times when I will forcefully remove myself from the loop, depending on the irritations that are around.

 

I just want to say, you INTJs, stop messing with my head! You people get in my head and linger. It's been two years since I gave up on one of you and, now that we both have significant others, every time I see this guy he reminds me why I felt like no one else could possibly understand me better and then I think about it and then it interferes in my life and then I'm annoyed. So ... pooh to you guys and your lingering ways. (I still love you all, albeit begrudgingly)

 

You cannot resist the power of the INTJ side. :tongue:

 

And the more you beg them to stay the faster they go! why is that?

 

I too have done this quite frequently in the past. Not so much now that I have a more streamlined and casual/plausible escape from social situations. When we were on group camping trips I would walk back to the car or find myself a cave, grotto anything to sit in for a while and figure out what ramifications for the others would be if I took my car and went home ie, whose luggage and equipment would go where and how much seating was left over versus how much supplies they would use.

If there was someone there I didn't like I would simply not go. Especially if there was liquor involved and the other person was of the drama type variety. Sitting in a well lit restaurant at a huge table with heaps of people isn't really my idea of fun. It makes it even less fun if people are talking in group talk with catch phrases and making private jokes from the group talk. Always take a coat with pockets not a purse and feign a toilet break before ordering.

My favourite and easiest escape is from the pub, it is dim lit, there are people always moving about and no-one misses you for ages.

Maybe he does like you....I have been intimidated by guys taking interest in me when I have felt awkward and lost a whole lot of coolness in myself....the flirting thing is completely beyond me and I wind up just having to get the hell away in case I develop a tic or a stutter I never knew I had....he probably notices you noticing him and his odd behaviour....