I'm not an INFP, but it seems that XNFX seem to do this. Sweeping things under the rug. It is also as if they are ignoring the problems, the truth. I have read that XNFX have a need to be authentic, and it is noble and worth striving for. It also means we makes mistakes because we are human after all. I just hope that more people would accept it and not blame themselves so much for not reaching their ideals.

 

I'm from Minnesota where being passive aggressive is a way of life, we are know for " Minnesota Nice" but I like to call it "Minnesota Polite". You may be upset and not like someone but to speak your mind and say exactly what your thinking is looked down upon, I am very guilty of this also, if it get really upset I use a sarcastic maze of logic so that I lead you in a direction were you can clearly see why I am angry without actually telling you why. I don't want to tell someone why there wrong, I want them to be able to figure it out themselves so I present it in a way were they have no choice but to be aware of how there thoughts, words or actions negatively affect others.

 

I'm reflecting on my own life here -- most of the time if I wanted a certain path, I made it happen. For some people, being passive aggressive can be very authentic, rather than balls to the wall/full on confrontational with everyone. If I am unhappy with the way I interact with someone, or the way I handled a situation, or the way my life is going, then I try to change for what I consider to be *for the better*. There is no reason to be miserable because I am always at the helm. I sail my ship to a better climate and view. Life is to molded and shaped into *my* Masterpiece.

 

I guess you'd have to distinguish between occasionally being passive aggressive (which most people are one time or another), or it being a consistent pattern. The latter is a problem - in its most extreme case, it's actually a personality disorder (not saying that anyone here suffers from it), and people actually receive counselling for it.

It's also not necessarily just an authenticity problem. The core problems of being passive aggressive are anger, hostility and avoidance, to the extent that it can actually become a form of [domestic] abuse. Being passive aggressive doesn't just hurt yourself, it also hurts others. That's something people like to forget. The avoidance part is very often down to past experiences of not being able to communicate your feelings because it wasn't considered "safe".

So occasionally being passive aggressive - not a problem. Always being passive aggressive - not good, most certainly a problem of sorts.

Edit: I also think that what some of you describe is not necessarily passive aggressive behaviour, but avoidant behaviour. Psychologically speaking, that's quite a difference. Avoidance is a part of passive aggression, but passive aggressive behaviour doesn't just consist of avoidance.

 

But it means that passive aggressiveness is a way to avoid hurtful past or things to be said about the past, right ? So, if you also avoid something and not show your vulnerability, then it also means that the other person doesn't know you either, and therefore you can never be truly yourself any way, right ?

What I also do not understand is, if the person that you want in your life, is someone that you want them to know your past as well as part of your future too, then wouldn't they be open to listen to your past, and therefore help you be a part of that future too ? In a more sympathetic way...

I often read on here about so many people in their own close relationships do not actually help their closed and loved ones be a part of their lives, and they often refer to "counselling" to refer them, but why would they need to be ? If you cannot be honest to your family and your close friends, then who can you be honest to ?

 

The reason why someone behaves in a passive aggressive way might be down to the way anger was dealt with in the past (e.g. in the family environment), but it has not necessarily to do with having been hurt in the past as such, or not being able to talk about the past.
A child who's been told to leave the room when getting angry, and to only come back when they're "good" again, might show passive aggressive traits as an adult, despite never really having any other severe problems.

Passive aggressive behaviour is a very specific set of behaviours - it doesn't mean you can't open up about your past. Passive aggressive behaviour is very much about not being able to show anger in a normal way, to simply let it out and clear the air. Passive aggression has an element of masked hostility towards people. It's not solely avoidant behaviour, they are psychologically different, although they can, and often do, go hand in hand. It's also quite common in the workplace because of perceived hierarchies.

This is passive aggressive behaviour:
Backhanded Compliments and Sugarcoated Hostility | Psychology Today

But yes, you should be able to open up to your partner/family/friends. You should also be able to be angry in front of them. If you can't, either the relationship dynamics are off, or you have a problem with yourself you might need to address.

 

Ugg... Even reading the words "passive aggressive" gets my pulse racing and my blood boiling. I'm an INFP and whether or not this is true to our personality type or simply my own nature, I consider myself to be an extremely tolerant person... BUT, I have a strict no nonsense policy when it comes to tense emotions, anger, hurt feelings, and conflict. I do not believe in playing games. Period. If I am upset or annoyed about something which I believe is VALID, I WILL let you know in the most respectful, honest, and up front way possible. As SOON as possible. And call me crazy, but I expect the people around me to do the same. I do not throw hints around and quietly make people feel guilty while I wait for them to suddenly see it my way or apologize for some slight, real or imagined.

9 out of 10 times, these feelings that passive aggressive people tend to hide away, cover up with a smile, or bury under a cloud of resentment could easily be dealt with by simply taking the leap to communicate honestly-- and yes I realize it's not ALWAYS easy, but so many heartaches are due to simple miscommunications and mixed signals. Life would be so much easier for everyone if we could just cut the crap and spit it out already.

I do not believe in masking negative feelings for the sake of "peace" in any relationship. Any problem, big or small, that isn't brought out in the open and dealt with in a timely manner can quickly escalate in someone's mind into something much larger and completely different than that of the original issue. It will fester and grow until it morphs into resentment and bitterness that will come back and bite you in the nether parts at the most inconvenient time for reasons that have little to nothing to do with anything at all. Believe me, I am all to familiar with this type of behavior. My husband, an ESFJ, is a master at passive aggressive behavior and avoidance, and as hard as I know he tries to move past that inclination it still causes much more angst than could ever be necessary. It drives me freaking bonkers.

 

As far as I'm concerned it's more or less exclusively a mix of sweeping it under the rug and plain laziness with people I don't like. I'm not very blatantly/vocally passive-aggressive, I display it more in physical actions and avoidance. In conversation I develop a to-and-fro mix of extreme bluntness and sarcasm which seems almost intentionally designed to lead the conversation nowhere but frustrating them to leave so I don't have to bother with it. I do not like it, but it is a trait I'm predispositioned towards. I don't try to be antagonistic at all, I don't deal in backhanded compliments and so forth. It doesn't suit what I'm trying to do by being passive-aggressive.

My passive-aggressiveness is strongly tied to my perceived likelihood of the other person understanding where I'm coming from; it's usually done quite defensively around a complex issue which requires understanding on their part and explaining on mine. With my mother, for instance, who is the polar opposite of understanding, I think it's something I do to avoid giving her anything to use against me. It's a waste of time actually trying to explain, but the pain is still there so it is released as passive-aggressiveness. Although for the record mine is nowhere near the level of hers or indeed many of the people I encounter day-to-day, I'm subtle and when pushed a little will often reconsider, drop the passive-aggressiveness and attempt to explain bluntly. If I believe in the first place the other person actually gives a damn rather than is just attacking me, if I think it's worth my time, I would never be passive-aggressive because authenticity would be beneficial.

I suppose I am running from authenticity. I'm also running away from the probability of my authenticity being perceived wrongly/badly and used against me, so for me it's a defence mechanism if an unpleasant one. I try never to make it a habit, a default, and so far I don't think I have. I hope that continues.

 

I. loathe. Passive aggressive people like no other.

That is the quickest way to cut yourself from my life. I won't even hesitate. We're adults not 12.

Unfortunately, I seem to come across these people often and have no idea why. What irritates me the most about them is not that they cover up things that are bothering them (cause you can do that without giving it away), but that they change their behaviour around you without actually acknowledging (to you) that they've changed. So they'd act funny, ignore your texts, but keep up the appearance they're OK and expect you to not detect any differences in them. It's highly insulting. Highly insulting because they're assuming you're too stupid to realise any changes. That way they can continue to release their anger indirectly and avoid direct confrontation.

When they start to do this, I don't even bother. I don't care. I'm curious as to what bullshit excuse they have for acting like a coward but I don't care that I've hurt/upset them. And majority of the time it really is some pathetic and minor reason.

Then when they see you've stopped communicating with them, they play the victim and claim ''Well, you're the one who stopped talking to me so...'' *sighs*

I hate them so much it hurts.