I don't think the needy thing is considered an unhealthy INFJ. The loneliness subsides and it just feels good to be around someone you love. Even with friends, I don't mind hanging out with the same people because I enjoy the connection and the ability to have real conversations, not some BS conversation pretending to care about the occupation of a person you just met. The sitting around watching tv thing is weird to me. I want to make my life as epic as possible and watching tv isn't that epic. We get jealous. At least I do, but I don't show it. I think the traits of an unhealthy INFJ (I am talking about my self here) is showing lack of empathy(although ,I care),complete isolation, and total distrust in everyone around them.

 

I suppose everyone is needy to an extent... Although it just seemed like he made his whole world revolve around me. Whis is normal when falling in love, but after the honeymoon phase passes, i think it's unhealthy...

What is it that causes the lack of empathy/isolation/distrust?

 

I really can't make a list of unhealthy INFJ traits, because there's lots of different ways Infjs (and individuals) can be unhealthy.

Just as a side note: I don't think taking personality tests for other individuals is very reliable. I would suggest typing them your self (if you have enough working knowledge of mbti) or having them take the test. Ideally both for accuracy. (However, with your situation this probably isn't possible).

Other than that, I'm curious about what you're trying to figure out. Are you asking this question to help you process your relationship with your ex boyfriend, do you want to heal your relationship, or are you simply curious about INFJs?

 

If you read my thread again, I said that I had him take the test first while we were still dating, and he got INFJ. Then after we broke up, I took it again (because, like I said, I thought his defining characteristics weren't mentioned in the INFJ type), and got INFJ for him as well. I think that is probably pretty accurate.

I guess I'm asking so that I can really solidify his type and become more familiar with INFJs. I want to know why he acted the way he did sometimes.

 

I can make a case for the existence of individual and unique sociopathic representatives of each of the archtypes.

This might be an example of the male sociopath INFJ.

 

Extremely needy. (There's needy... and then there's needy.) Very jealous, controlling, emotionally manipulative, extremely passive aggressive, insecure, demanding, able to create drama out of thin air...

Move on.

 

Add confrontation-adverse, lack of communication, vindictive, and passive, and I think you've nailed it.

 

I'd move away from the INFJ label and examine Enneagrams instead.
Could be an unhealthy 6 or level 5/6/7/8 on the quote further down.

6 - Enneagram Type Six: The Loyalist
enneagram houston texas

Main point below~

Type Six—More Depth by Level
Healthy Levels
Level 1 (At Their Best): Become self-affirming, trusting of self and others, independent yet symbiotically interdependent and cooperative as an equal. Belief in self leads to true courage, positive thinking, leadership, and rich self-expression.

Level 2: Able to elicit strong emotional responses from others: very appealing, endearing, lovable, affectionate. Trust important: bonding with others, forming permanent relationships and alliances.

Level 3: Dedicated to individuals and movements in which they deeply believe. Community builders: responsible, reliable, trustworthy. Hard-working and persevering, sacrificing for others, they create stability and security in their world, bringing a cooperative spirit.

Average Levels
Level 4: Start investing their time and energy into whatever they believe will be safe and stable. Organizing and structuring, they look to alliances and authorities for security and continuity. Constantly vigilant, anticipating problems.

Level 5: To resist having more demands made on them, they react against others passive-aggressively. Become evasive, indecisive, cautious, procrastinating, and ambivalent. Are highly reactive, anxious, and negative, giving contradictory, "mixed signals." Internal confusion makes them react unpredictably.

Level 6: To compensate for insecurities, they become sarcastic and belligerent, blaming others for their problems, taking a tough stance toward "outsiders." Highly reactive and defensive, dividing people into friends and enemies, while looking for threats to their own security. Authoritarian while fearful of authority, highly suspicious, yet, conspiratorial, and fear-instilling to silence their own fears.

Unhealthy Levels
Level 7: Fearing that they have ruined their security, they become panicky, volatile, and self-disparaging with acute inferiority feelings. Seeing themselves as defenseless, they seek out a stronger authority or belief to resolve all problems. Highly divisive, disparaging and berating others

Level 8: Feeling persecuted, that others are "out to get them," they lash-out and act irrationally, bringing about what they fear. Fanaticism, violence.

Level 9: Hysterical, and seeking to escape punishment, they become self-destructive and suicidal. Alcoholism, drug overdoses, "skid row," self-abasing behavior. Generally corresponds to the Passive-Aggressive and Paranoid personality disorders.

 

Why do you care about unhealthy traits of INFJs?? Regardless your ex's MBTI type, he's history. The next guy you date, even if he'd be another INFJ, he would not be the same.

All types can be immature. The key is to be mature yourself so that you won't fall for immature guys.

 

Because he was a huge part of my life and I would like to understand why he acted the way he did sometimes? I feel like the main purpose for this forum is to help others understand themselves and the people they're around better. And, 'even if he'd be another INFJ, he would not be the same'. The posts on this thread by other INFJs show that there are similarities, as well as seeing other INFJ traits on other forums that also relate to my ex.

I agree all types can be immature. Way to state the obvious. I think it is common sense that all different types will act out in immaturity in different ways.

 

wow He probably is an INFJ because I find myself doing a lot of these things... I am not insecure at all and Im not aggressive (though others sometimes perceive me that way. mainly my family) but I am blunt with people I am VERY close to and while I can 85% of the time be very understanding and comforting the other 15% of the time I can't take how idiotic people are and emotional and I am very cold. Like how this guy lashed out at his friend might be something that I would do to my sister if she dated a guy who I did not like and verbalized it all the time to her that he was a jerk and she would get hurt by him and she didn't listen and got hurt anyways. At that point I would have no sympathy for her because she did not listen to me and basically did this to herself. What others might think of me being mean is me getting fed up with everyones crap and super annoyance with people...never hatred though and I usually regret everything I say when I'm in this mood.

The neediness is a little like me to. I wouldn't call it needy though. If I love someone I like to spend time with them, so me hanging around with them all day is just me in my strange way trying to show them how much I care. Usually when I have friends it is only one and I spend all my time with them. No need to have any other pointless social interactions when you've found one person who you love being around and talking to all day. I would also be content with just one person I loved on a deserted island. I do however need alone time and will disappear for a few hours/days to binge read/watch tv. And thats another thing, I don't need to go out to do stuff all the time. Im perfectly fine spending 75% of my time at home doing 'boring stuff'.

I do get upset when someone I like has a bunch of other friends. If they are not giving me most of their time like I give them It makes me feel rejected by them and unloved. If they tell me they are going out somewhere and ask if I want to come and I decline Im fine with it, but if I find out by social media or other sources that someone I love is hanging out with others I get a little bit jealous. I know I stop speaking too when I get upset and someone is interrupting my 'time' with my loved one. I like one on one conversations and not group conversations bc its easy for me to feel left out and un-included. That might be why he did the same.

When someone leaves my life, idk if this is an INFJ thing or not, but they are gone forever. They will never cross my mind ever again and it is like they are dead to me and we never met. So maybe thats why he is cold towards you. I would do the same. I would never be just friends with someone I love that does not what to love me anymore. So maybe this guy is a normal INFJ and has a reasonable explanation for the things he does and you just don't truly understand him (which it looks like you don't) or maybe I am an unhealthy INFJ like him.

 

or maybe I am an unhealthy INFJ like him.

Yes.

 

I personally can't identify with any of his characteristics besides maybe concern for my appearance. Umm, he was a 30 year old dating a 19 year old? Lol.

 

that probably says a lot right there... lol. he was my first 'real' relationship, first boyfriend, lost my virginity to him, etc. we actually met when i was 18, just out of high school.

 

Run fast and run far. That codependent borderline personality shit will ruin your life.

 

Traits of an Unhealthy INFJ:

1. Depression
2. Loneliness
3. Cynicism
4. Reckless attempts at extroversion

 

1. He was EXTREMELY insecure for a guy. He would constantly be worrying about his weight or thinning hair, etc. If I ever commented on the appearance of a good looking celebrity, he always became very jealous. He actually seemed more self conscious than even me, and I struggled with an eating disorder for 5 years...

2. Very needy. In the sense that I always needed to be around him. It seemed like we could have been on a stranded island together for the rest of our lives and that would be fine for him, there was no need for him to see anybody else.This I thought may be because he just divorced his ex-wife 7 months prior to dating me, and he needed someone there to combat loneliness. He also constantly seemed to feel left out when we had group discussions. Like if I was talking to other people he would just get quiet and kind of pouty, then later when I addressed why he seemed so quiet, he blamed it on the fact that other people weren't talking to him. It wasn't just with me though. He was the same way with his best friend. He would get angry when his best friend went out with other friends instead of staying home and watching tv with him. .

Sorry for the long post.

I can relate to number 1 & 2 concerning my first two serious relationships (strangely both happened to test INFP recently). I was 15-17: very needy with affection, pouty if she gave other guys more attention, and jealous at times... But he was thirty? I try to find my faults, bring light to them, change slowly but steadily. An INFJ is constantly in a state of renewal, I thought.

As to what @EclecticAgenda said, where he could be sociopathic--I feel it's hard to tell through a thread post. However I agree it's quite a possibility. He could contain any traits of the current dark triad of psychology: Machivellian, Narcissism, or Psychopathic

But OP, out of all of us here, only you can tell if he's good for you or not. The large age gap is a little disconcerting, but what do I know?

Idk if this is an INFJ thing, but I feel much happier if I remain friends with my exes, after I get past the depression phase if I got dumped.

 

It's a relief that you're able to remain friends with your exes. That is one of my biggest hopes is that we still can be. Right now, we definitely couldn't be, but in the future I am still holding on to the idea we can hang out without it being too awkward or hurtful for either one of us.

 

Time is important, perhaps more so for intense (in the past) double-introverted relationships. You both have a lot to process, and in time the emotions won't sting as hard as you remember them.

 

Original post sounds like you have wayyyy too much invested in being concerned for his growth, it shows a lack of respect for his boundaries. If he is acting mean or cold it’s probably because you’re just way too much in his shit and need to worry less about him and more about yourself.

 

Thank you for the honesty. I agree I do worry too much about him. Although, as far as boundaries go, we haven't spoken in 3 weeks. I'd say i'm giving him plenty of space and respecting that. I did invest A LOT into this man. I think the reason this thread was created was so that I could feel a little bit of closure and understand him better than I ever could while we in a relationship.