Of course my ESFJ saw this and was immediately pissed...
It is a neverending battle....

 

ESFJ sometimes goes overboard. In need of constant reaffirming attention. Does not "think" before acting sometimes. But does it out of the goodness of their heart.

 

In need of constant reaffirming attention.

Yep, that's how (in general), ESFJ's define a RELATIONSHIP... If it's one sided, ESFJ types begin to degrade into self-abusive habits (drinking, drugs) and the unfortunate side of our personality type shows itself.

What some people don't understand is that ESFJ's crave reaffirming attention as much as air or food. Initially offering us attention (because we have someone you want, typically sex) and then holding back is akin to torture for us.


-ZDD

 

What if your partner gives you too much reaffirming attention? What if they're clingy?

 

lol'd at ZDD

I dated an ESFJ for 2.5 years, it was mostly a very good relationship. My two very best friends are ESFJs, and my brother and grandmother are both ESFJ.

Needless to say I absolutely love them, but like any other type or any other individual, I could tell you general trends I do and don't like.

ZDD's witty defensiveness is amusing and of course his underlying point is right, that the stereotypes on ESFJs and their neediness are largely unfair. BUT my ESFJ ex-girlfriend actually did need me to verbally affirm my love for her often (something I don't realize other people need because I don't need it myself) and by near the end of our relationship a number of things, including the relationship presumably, led her to cutting and burning her wrists. Most ESFJs aren't like this (of the 4 I mentioned, 3 are somewhat needy in relationships but none are self-abusive when neglected). ZDD's defensiveness is a bit lost on me because I ACTUALLY dealt with an ESFJ who degraded into self-abuse because of general lack of receiving exploding Fe-style approval from the world.

EDIT: No less, this anecdote shouldn't be taken the wrong way. For a long time it was a very good and reasonably healthy relationship. If I disliked ESFJs, I would not spend so much time associating with them (i.e. I am not joking, my best friend from high school/back home and my best friend at university are both ESFJs)

tl;dr - Everyone sucks regardless of type, at least ESFJs tend to be very good company.

 

...and by near the end of our relationship a number of things, including the relationship presumably, led her to cutting and burning her wrists. Most ESFJs aren't like this (of the 4 I mentioned, 3 are somewhat needy in relationships but none are self-abusive when neglected). ZDD's defensiveness is a bit lost on me because I ACTUALLY dealt with an ESFJ who degraded into self-abuse because of general lack of receiving exploding Fe-style approval from the world.

With respect to ESFJs as a whole and your unfortunate experience, that sounds more like mentally twisted acting-out (BPD/NPD?) rather than a healthy person. I have difficulty in imagining that anyone with an even halfway-sane mind could go that far self-destructively simply because they didn't get "exploding Fe-style approval from the world".

I have heard of people using suicide as a form of manipulation. Thankfully nobody that I know personally.

I'm not sure how I would react if someone that I know attempted it, whatever the situation.

 

Some good thought provoking responses!
Thanks all!

 

2 of my friends who I talk to on my Track team are ESFJs. They can really get on my nerves sometimes from being too rowdy to just being blind to many things happening in front of them. But wow, I didn't think it was possible to be as caring as they are. They will always be on your side, ask you how your day and life are, try and help you if you're in a bad mood, and are all around happy people. And although they're very prone to group excitement, they won't ever go as far as group thinking against anyone. They can be really unpredictable and even uninteresting at times, but overall, they're definitely keepers for being one of the few types to genuinely care. But maybe this is just them, I don't know any others.

 

I'm an ESFJ who has been dating an ISTJ for 1.5+ years now. I would not call it an easy pairing, and it has taken a lot of work, but once you put in the time and effort to construct that mutual understanding, it's awesome.

As ZDD and datMBTIguy already expressed, ESFJs need a lot of affirmation and they need it on a regular basis. I compare it to a plant that needs to be watered every now and then, or a car whose gas tank needs to be filled after a while. If we don't get it, it really takes a toll on our self-esteem and our faith in the relationship. ISTJs on the other hand seem to be permanently running on a full gas tank. The problem comes when they assume that the ESFJ is like them and doesn't need it. We ran into these issues earlier in our relationship (and still occasionally do). I expect more out of relationships than he does. He has to consider and do a lot of things he wouldn't normally do because I need them. I feel like this probably adds some stress to his life (and may be where your stress is coming from too). His relationship style is extremely low-maintenance. I could probably ignore him for a week and he'd be cool with it (if he isn't, he'd just find some way to rationalize why I can't talk to him and then be cool with it). I need a lot more than he does though. If he ignores me for a week, I'll begin to think he's lost interest in me and start looking for the exit door.

Communication is key on both sides. The other place where ISTJs and ESFJs clash is here, since the ESFJ's Fe means they expect other people to be able to pick up on their emotions without needing to tell them (since we're so good at this ourselves), but ISTJs are notoriously bad at picking up on people's emotions. If the ESFJ remains silent about the things that are bothering him/her, it quickly spirals into a cycle of angry-hurt ESFJ/clueless-frustrated-stressed ISTJ. I had to learn how to vocalize what I needed and what bothered me, and let me tell you how hard that is for an ESFJ.

We have both had to make changes. I have to tell him when something is bothering me. He has to remember to check up on me once in a while so I know I'm still in his thoughts. Once you figure out the right balance, the relationship becomes a lot easier.

 

Thanks! That does make sense!

 

Update: Ok, my ESFJ retook the exam and is now an ENFJ.

 

Not a major difference in terms of the dynamics, these responses will more or less still apply. Better than if she re-tested as an ESTJ or something.