What do people exactly mean when they say you're being desperate for a relationship?

I'd interpret this to be that some people will overly sacrifice in their life to have a relationship. Those that want that relationship so badly that they may believe life has no meaning without that significant other that gives life some purpose. Yes this is rather messed up but can be one way to see this.

If men are giving me this feedback, I don't know what I'm doing to come off as desperate?

Some people may play the dating game poorly which could be interpreted as desperation. There can be that, "I want you so bad and I'm going to sabotage this in record time!" kind of idea as what is desperate to one may just be rational planning to another. Consider what discussion topics you have and what are the signals you'd give a man that you believe there is more than some compatibility here.

I also have heard that if you are acting out on sexual urges, you're being desperate? Who cares?

For some people sex may well be sacred and thus for them it matters everyone who has sex on the planet. At least this would be part of how I read into the same sex marriage debate on one level.

It's a confusing concept to me....What makes you look desperate?

If you appear to be trying too hard or seem to be exercising poor self-control those would be the usual suspects to my mind.

 

Jbking-I don't relate to any of that, as in I don't think I'm doing any of that. I was once told that I was trying too hard by a drunk, jobless 36 year old that slept around. He had a mean attitude, so he didn't quite get my kind and giving demeanor

 

Honestly if none of it applies to you then they're jealous that they aren't going out on dates, or their precious pride is hurt that you didn't want to date them further. I wouldn't pay these comments any attention.

 

Life.

It's not even that I want someone very badly. I don't, but dating is like being lost at sea. Gonna grab hold of the first buoy (viable prospect) or rescue plane out (exit) that I can see.

Not really but I have to inflect everything with drama or I get bored.

 

When I sensed a guy was going to bail, I'd get desparate. The feeling was not about being afraid to be single again or alone. It had to do with wanting to keep ppl in my life. After all, if I spent time to understand a guy, he's family.

What'd I do? I would not do any of the usual acts mentioned by OP. I'd be moody and emotionally turbulent, like a kid throwing temper tantrums. Such behavior of course didn't help matters.

Sometimes instead of being dumped, I dumped first. Since I usually knew when a guy's heart wasn't it in, I'd make a move. It felt better to be a dumper than a dumpee.

The above was me 10, 20 years ago. Now I am pretty zen about the whole thing. Guys come and go but I am still whole and intact. I am the Yoda of dating. ^_^

 

Haha, woman are such creatures to each other--that's really all I gauged from your post.

Regardless, desperation is compromising who you are and what you stand for just to get whatever it is that you're wanting to get. If you're not doing that, then move on.

Also, don't feel the urge to defend yourself to your girl friends. Nor anyone else. Just shrug your shoulders and say, "There is a possibility" and end it there. Often, you can tell their intentions after that. If you don't give them the reply they are looking for, they will keep digging into to try and get it.

"There is always a possibility that's true." -remains quiet-
"...Yeah, because, you know, you seem to..."

^Now they're just blowing smoke up your butt.

The feeling was not about being afraid to be single again or alone. It had to do with wanting to keep ppl in my life.

It's funny, because I'm sure to other people, this would make absolutely no sense and contradictory, but I know exactly what you mean. Someone leaving doesn't incite the fear of the idea of being alone, but it's the idea that you've formed attachments to that person and don't want to lose that attachment.

Very subtle difference.

 

Friends who resent one’s openness and honesty are usually, in turn, not worthy of the friendship. Meaning your potential dates, not your friends calling you desperate, I don’t think.

 

Friends who resent one’s openness and honesty are usually, in turn, not worthy of the friendship.

Ha, my female friend said that yesterday. She said that real friends don't make comments or judgments that would make you feel bad, when you do share a mistake or something open.

I was thinking about making a thread on the INFJ female and friendships with other women. My best friends have been guys. :shrug: I do have female friends, but I still have hesitancy with sharing information.

 

But I definitely would appreciate female support of any kind, I seem to attract plenty of guys, but it’s not the kind of support I need at the moment.

 

There are some lovely females on here.

 

Maybe ‘desperate’ means pressure—I had a friend tell me when I was getting into a relationship ‘whatever you do, Don’t PRESSURE’. And it makes sense. Sounds kind of like your original post. I get frustrated because I’m expected to be as aggressive/assertive as men to make my way in the world, but then in relationships I’m supposed to automatically downshift and be much more submissive. Men really seem to run from assertiveness and smarts. I think that’s historical, where the man is supposed to be ‘the man’ and that hero archetype, but if she needs him too much he runs too. It’s a very thin line we are expected to walk, I’m surprised anyone does it with ease.

 

I would like to think I don't mention commitment or marriage during the early stages of dating I did recently reveal to a man that I had a spark with him, and enjoy getting to know him. I don't see that as desperate, but it may be desperate to someone that prefers the "hard to get" approach.


When I have tried the passive approach, I'm then seen as uninterested and cold?

I wish we INFJ's could travel to a separate planet, and just bond instantly......without the useless chatter of pop dating advice.

 

I’ve bumped into, a few times in my online travels, stuff that says men think women are a lot more demanding in relationships than they used to be---but I don’t think it’s because we’ve become greedy, as it suggests, or domineering; I think it’s because life demands so much of us as women, we have SO many challenges, that we need that level of support in a relationship.

 

I remember when I was much younger and dating, you sort of just fell into dating someone, and it was understood you were monogamous; last few guys I dated, it seemed, had all sorts of other prospects and it was understood that if I even mentioned monogamy that I’d be instantly tossed. I need a nicer pool of men to choose from, that bunch, boy, kind of jerky!


One of my favorite books by Linda Kohanov suggests dating be like a dance: he is gentle and kind, you draw him closer, he is aggressive, you push him away; and he does the same with things he appreciates in you. Not sure everyone is onto this idea though, it makes sense to me, she calls it the ‘boundary dance’.

 

Yeah, you never know these days. I myself have gone back and forth with multiple dating. Should I just stick with one person, or try out other prospects? Because you never know if the one person you're focusing on may not be willing to move forward. At this point, it sounds rational to get to know to others when I'm not committed to anyone.

I do believe in dating being like a dance, and I do prefer the man to lead. I don't mind reciprocating.

 

blah

 

Hard to know what your behaviour was and how these women perceived it. I was going to guess that they are seeing and interpreting based on their own limited worldview. For a simple example I used to think my extroverted mum was flirting with random people when really, I was reading it as that's what it would mean for me if I were to do what she was. But she was just being a bouncy enfp in a good mood.

I wonder if maybe people could read Fe as being a show of romantic or sexual interest? Or if they interpret someone paying careful or deep attention to another as such, or caring about someone's well-being. Some people really don't believe in platonic interest.

Or maybe they think you come off as lonely? That's not an uncommon assumption made of quiet, reserved people - that they have little going on inside (cuz if it can't be seen it must not exist) or in their lives and would be grateful for someone to jump in there.

I think it's a bit unfair to pin this on female-female relationships being inherently problematic though. I mean these particular women might be individuals who have a harder time connecting well with others in general. I've had plenty of highly supportive female friendships with no undercutting, competition or covert or overt bitchiness.

I wonder if they also said that to you so they could feel like experts. They obviously believe this is an important issue.

I tend not to be desperate in the early stages. My desperate behaviour is when I feel rejected by someone I love and want love from in an established relationship. This is happening less as I get older, because I'm more familiar with my fear of abandonment and am learning to pause and let fear moments pass. But yeah, as someone else said, it's not about being desperate for some guy, any guy. It's about fear of loss of the love of someone specific.

No one has described me as desperate before though. I'd probably withdraw from their company if they just declared that to me and were not a close friend whose judgment I trusted. Seems somewhat rude and unnecessary.

 

I don't know you too well but it does not sound like you're desperate. I would never say that to one of my friends and honestly I think they might be jealous.

I equate desperate with as a last means when everything has been tried. That you view love as a hopeless situation. Again your post does not express desperation.

In fact out of all the types INFJs do not come off as desperate at all but very hard to get at the center of things. From what I can tell trust has to be earned and it's a longggggg longggg process. Move to fast with an INFJ there is a good chance you'll be sitting on the sidelines.

 

Thank you for the replies everyone, and especially telling me that calling someone desperate can be a mean comment. I do have a problem with not recognizing mean comments- Especially when the comments are coming from people that say they're trying to help and how they would never hurt me.

These two women that called me desperate haven't interacted with me in real life, so they don't see how I act with the opposite sex. One was a life coach that talked me via skype, and the other woman was someone in an online sexual abuse survivor group. I will say that I always FELT "Wtf?"at some of these women's comments. The woman in the sexual abuse survivor group once told me, "I think you're willing to sleep with men, if they're nice to you. You need to sleep with guys only after they're committed."

Huh? I told her that I'm only sexually attracted to a few people. Being nice alone doesn't get me to sleep with you. I've gone on so many first and second dates where I didn't kiss the guy. I have some very sweet male friends that I see as brothers, and wouldn't dare get in bed with them. She was understanding when I explained things to her, but I still don't know where she got that assumption. I'm guessing she was projecting herself when she was my age, because she told me that her number of sexual partners is huge.

Unfortunately, I make the mistake of trusting these two women with very personal information. Humans can no doubt be very helpful in many ways, but those little things that they say can still have some harmful intent. When someone knows your personal information, they can always bring it up or misinterpret things.

 

I've been sitting here for about 15 minutes now thinking about how to say this and I can't think of a really good way, so here it is rather bluntly: Desperation comes from want, so what I'd do is to figure out exactly WHAT I want, then WHY I want it, then finally if it is RIGHT to want it.

If I can answer yes to the last question then I find that basically always resolves any problems I was having. If I can't, then the problem/answer usually lies in the why's. It's of course important to be brutaly honest with oneself when asking all of these questions - absolutely no holding back or sugar coating in any way.

Personally, regarding love, I can't find peace with wanting love, it doesn't seem right to me. I believe one should be self sufficient regarding love, it may sound narcissistic, but I belive you should provide yourself with all the love you need by loving yourself.

Then, when you find people you love, you can give them all the love you want, but you don't do it in order to receive anything back, you just do it because it's how YOU feel, because it's an expression of YOU.

 

This is just advertising. Plain and simple.
An advertisement makes the product seem: just within your reach (price, availability), yet high quality (smart, exclusive, better than what is out there, prestigious in a word), but finally just barely attainable (we only have so-and-so in stock, call NOW!, shit like that).

Advertising is the reason Apple can sell shit phones, for higher prices, while other brands are left ignored with higher quality merchandise.

You don't seem desperate. You raise your "prestige" by seeming picky so you got quality, you raise your demand by seeming out of reach by seeming unattainable and uninterested, but you don't entice.
You lack that third bit where you let the "costumer" know, if you were to just try maybe... Maybe you'd get me. Maybe...

You seem so afraid of looking desperate, that you are actually reaching too far in the opposite direction.
Seduction is an art that needs balance of coy and accepting. Hot and cold. Mystery and openness.
Seduction is about charming, confusing and then stepping back a little, letting his imagination do the work for you. It's so easy it's almost not fair. =/