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Which attachment style are you? Anxious / Secure / Avoidant-dismissive

16K views 9 replies 10 participants last post by  LibertyPrime  
#1 ·
Hello ENFPs,

I am curious: which attachment style are you?

People basically have one of three attachment styles:

Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back.

Avoidant/dismissive people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

Here is a link for additional information.

And some more information from Lovesciencemedia.com:

What are the four attachment styles, and how do they affect our adult relationships?



Secure adults tend to develop low *anxiety and low **avoidance when it comes to forming and keeping relationships through life. They trust their partner, accept the offered intimacy without blowing problems out of proportion, and respond the way their partner needs them to—sustaining not only the relationship’s length, but its happiness. And in various studies, including ours at LoveScience, about 60% of infants and adults have won the style lotto for Security. As one woman on our survey said,
“I…like to see the good in people. Even when I see the wrong! What can I say, a true optimist!”

But there are three other styles, and all three tend to do stuff that plain makes it tougher to relax, already, and Be Happy With Someone Else—because these other styles involve high anxiety, high avoidance, or both. Non-Secure-style folks tend to be a lot more prone to noticing problems, enlarging on them, and even creating issues/dramas that don’t really exist. They may not respond as needed, and/or accept the support their partner can give. No wonder so many find themselves stymied in their search for a good relationship.

For instance, folks who self-i.d. as Anxious/Ambivalent (aka Preoccupied) have high anxiety but low avoidance; they tend to feel sure of other people’s lovability, but hesitant about their own. These are folks who say they’d like to merge totally with another person, perhaps like your ex-husband wanted with you, but they worry they’ll scare others away. Some Preoccupied folks worry so much, they begin protecting against eventual abandonment by doing the one thing that really could get them dumped: having affairs! Although just 7% of our sample identified with this style, other studies find that about 15-20% of babies and adults are Anxious/Ambivalent. Said one woman,
“I am very much an extrovert and tend to be able to help people open up quickly. Intimacy comes naturally to me, but I do crave stability.”
Said another: “I…have difficulty believing that I am lovable.”


And then there are those who i.d. as Avoidant (about 25% of infants and adults in most studies, but 36% of our sample), which breaks down into two categories: Dismissive and Fearful.
Avoidant/dismissive folks are inclined to have high avoidance and low anxiety; they often think trust isn’t worth the effort, and they feel safest living life on their own terms, without much real intimacy. I suspect these are the folks who not only find long distance relationships tolerable—they prefer them! It’s not just that they don’t rely on others much; they truly value independence. As one man put it,
“Never felt the need to be that close to anyone. I believe most relationships are not going to last that long and you must do the things that you would count on others to do.”
And one woman said: “I am not the long-term relationship type. I have always been able to move on very easily. I guess I don’t let myself get too attached because things always change. My feelings toward the other person tend to be fleeting so I don’t want them to get too attached to me either. I don’t like hurting people….I am very comfortable with my attachment style. It makes transitions much easier. Although, I have been told recently that I am heartless…..”

And then there’s the style you selected as best describing you: Avoidant/fearful. This is often an emotionally rough road for the person who has it, since this style involves high anxiety and high avoidance—a pull towards intimacy, coupled with so much fear of being hurt that self-protective actions can ironically derail the longed-for closeness. Wrote one woman:
“I feel naked letting anyone actually know me.”
Said another: “My first reaction when receiving a hug is to push away.”
And one man wrote: “I like women, but just prefer to keep in light and airy, no strings attached. I’m very personable and accommodating. If something happens, it happens, but I prefer to stay at a distance. I will never live with a female. No way.”
 
#3 ·
Hello ENFPs,

I am curious: which attachment style are you?

People basically have one of three attachment styles:

Anxious people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back.

Avoidant/dismissive people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

Secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.

Here is a link for additional information.

I'm an infj, but I am interested in the response to your thread. I have many enfp's in my fam. Good question. Seamaid.
 
#8 ·
ENFP - Fearful Avoidant

My exes could've told you that
 
#10 · (Edited)
o.o secure pretty much. I'm not even the jelly type :/..which can come across rather "meh" and gfs have worried about me not really caring...which tends to be a frequent concern, however I'm not bothered by my gf being around when I do my hobbies. :unsure: I think.

<.< my problem mainly comes from experience & an understanding that love has a short shelf life, true love is a myth, money counts & ppl can suck.