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ISTP Boyfriend had locked dirty text messages from a previous girlfriend!?

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dating infidelity is he cheating? istp guys istp men lying ruining trust skanky exes
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#41 ·
MXZCCT said:
Here we go again. Another fucked up thread. I can see it coming.
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I know, then again it has been a few weeks since we've had a good xNFP gf / ISTP bf relationship thread. :laughing:
 
#42 ·
Sure, it was wrong of you to go around snooping, I suppose... I mean, me and my ENTP guy don't have qualms about texts being opened up in front of each other (though I think I'm the one who scrolls down his texts out of occasional boredom--never suspicion--than him). Though to an ISTP, I'm deducing that this trust issue is a very huge thing. I agree with you on the outrageousness of him keeping those raunchy (picture) text messages. If I were you I'd probably be thinking, Really, is it that hard to delete a few texts? My ENTP guy deleted all photos/everything on his cellphone/email etc. that included his ex even before he and I got together; he deleted all that right after he broke up with her.

I'm sort of rambling; it's late.

Basically, I don't think you are very compatible with this guy (from what I've read so far) just because you two seem to stand on opposite ends of the spectrum. He may care for you, but he's reluctant to show it--and that passive trait is cutting away at you. You guys have different opinions on what is "acceptable" and what is not acceptable. I've dated a guy like this before, and it was frustrating beyond belief. I can't offer you any real advice on your current man, because I myself was unsuccessful in a similar relationship.
 
#43 ·
This thread is hilarious.

Chelsaroo said:
Alright here, while I get attacked by everyone who thinks I'm crazy and insecure.... I still DO NOT THINK THERE IS A REASON FOR THEM TO BE THERE. PERIOD. And also, the locking I meant as in they were SAVED. They can be opened, looked at, read, blah blah blah. The only people who had text histories were me and her, no one else. That bugs me. It would to most girls, sorry to say. Whatever I have stuck up my twat, it's still wrong. Maybe I was overreacting but LIKE I SAID; I am not a snooper and this was the first time and I would like you all to think to yourselves what the hell you would do in the same situation. Would you not want to know what the eff those messages said?! You can turn it around all you want and say it's my problem but guess what, they still should not be there. I think I'm done with this little pseudo-psychology shit accounting for all of the little differences in people because wtf, you're not him don't tell me what he's going to do as an ISTP. Forget this crap. He's lied to me before, okay? He says he goes to bed and then I'm on facebook and there he is online. There he is posting stuff. He doesn't ever tell me the whole story on anything. And what trust on multiple levels!?! Yeah I snooped, there we go. Woohoo I'm evil. I didn't mean to snoop. I didn't think anything would be there, I swear. Breached his trust on multiple levels? Snooped, yelled at him, whatever. So I'm going to snoop and yell again? I think he would breach my trust before I would EVER breach his trust again! This is the FIRST and ONLY time this has happened. So I've been so nice to him, offered to help him out since he's having difficulties, he won't say he cares, he won't express anything. I'm left wondering what's up half the time. I am so nice to him, even he says so... you can't sit there and tell me if you were to find naked pictures of an ex on your bf's computer, cell phone, even if incidentally... and tell me that would not bother you. You're all liars. The reason I did it was because he's so freaking mysterious. I don't even know if he loves me.

I told him I was sorry I yelled at him and yes, I do feel bad for looking. I know it's wrong... I feel guilty enough. It wasn't intentional at first, it was just curiosity and there was something there and it upset me, okay?! AND lately he's been asking me who I'm talking to, what I'm looking at, etc. before this which prompted me to be uncomfortable. Like he didn't trust ME.
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Firstly, you came here asking for advice, and you received it. Don't take it out on the posters here who deigned to read your really long story so that they could help you, just because you didn't like the advice that you heard. Secondly, why are you trying to justify yourself? More important, why are you trying to justify yourself to them? It sounds to me like your subconscious wants you to justify your actions to both yourself and to your boyfriend. You need to take a step back and realise that before you can even begin to figure out what you need to do next.

DustyDrill said:
He kept some trophies, that's all there is to it. He looked at a picture of her tits while you were together, most likely out of sentiment. Nothing more. And if he said he deleted them, he fucking deleted them. I understand your reaction, but his actions after realizing it upset you is what is important. Not that he kept those on his phone.

Also, maybe respect his privacy in the future? 7 months is a long time, but not long enough to be sharing every text message you received since the beginning of time.
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I agree. I also don't think that 7 months is a long enough time for him to feel obligated to delete everything that ever came before you. I've sat down to read an entire dirty text history of an ex I was truly over, before. It didn't arouse me. I just like to reflect.

Chelsaroo said:
I want to trust him, I do, okay? I love him a lot. I'll admit, I'm not a stable person. I have depression and I struggle every day. I struggle to like myself and to be confident. Maybe it is my problem. All I want is to love him and him love me, period. I would promise to never snoop again just to keep him in my life. I would promise not to be suspicious. I want to be the girl who can be independent but I'm failing miserably. I am sad that I can't seem to find it in myself. Is there any way I can save it?
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You need to save yourself first. It won't be easy, and it never has been for anyone; but you can do it. Here's one stranger who believes in you.

But is this relationship really something you want? You can think of reasons why you don't want him, but can you think of solid reasons why you do?

NikitaX said:
So, he admitted to looking at them "3 or 4 months ago" after playing stupid like they aren't there, and you have caught him in lies about other things online.

He obviously doesn't feel obligated to be honest with you,
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It's quite possible that he doesn't feel obligated to be honest because of the OP's stated emotional instability. It's hard being in a relationship with someone who is constantly accusing you of things, blowing things out of proportion and making you feel like no matter how hard you work to prove that you care about them, it will never be good enough. How do I know? A) because I was raised by such a person and B) because I have been such a person. (I got over it.)

Chelsaroo, there's an explanation for his attitude to your relationship and its sanctity. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that what it ultimately means is that your relationship is over. Trust issues can sometimes be overcome, but not if he's apathetic towards them (due to your emotional instability). If in a few more months, or even years, you find that you still have strong feelings for him and are a better, healthier person, you can try rebuilding it from scratch.

NikitaX said:
(regarding porn) ^I have known guys who don't do this, and then some who do, but not when in a relationship. Its not an "all guys" sort of thing, and if it bothers you, then find one who doesn't do it, ladies. They are out there.

I give my boyfriend nude photos of myself for those times I'm not around and he needs a visual. It seems to be enough.
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Whilst I agree with the majority of your previous post, I think you're a little bit naive. I'm a girl, and I occasionally watch porn or read erotic novels. I have done so in relationships, and know for fact that everyone I've ever dated has done so too. Most couples I know operate on a 'don't ask don't tell' policy when it comes to this, whether it's addressed or not. Few couples are available to each other 24/7, and I don't think that relieving oneself sexually is harmful to a relationship. Whether or not a person does so while thinking about or looking at their S.O. is irrelevant - it's harmless indulgence in flights of sexual fantasy, and what matters is who they're devoted to and want to stay devoted to in the real world.
 
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#45 ·
MXZCCT said:
Here we go again. Another fucked up thread. I can see it coming.
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Ultimately I have to agree with you. It's not really progressing at this point.
 
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#46 ·
What a thread, Chelsaroo! I just came here to say that a few hours ago, I had to endure, quite unexpectedly, a hike with a bunch of strangers that turned into a naked hike then a skinny dip. I was too shocked and scared to take my undies off, but my ISTP bf had no problem showing everyone his goods (wait, I thought they were MY special goods!). And there were women there too, including one well-endowed attractive blonde who was completely stark naked. Well, of course there was no way he was not going to look, and enjoy as much of the view as possible.

If your ISTP is anything like mine, in the future, wild things like this might happen and he'll RUN to JOIN the FUN, neglecting all that's less fun (including/especially a huffy, stuffy, insecure girlfriend) true STP-style. He will not shield his eyes and call it an early night in the name of true love... in fact, if he plays the romantic gentleman, from my experience, it'll be toward whoever's the most interesting (FUN) lady at the moment, but... it's not serious. Still trying to knock that one into my head...

More to the point: He won't be all trying to make the Best Moral Decision that takes into account all your sensitivities and how best to make you feel good/loved/desirable, like you'd wish, whatever the situation in question is. That's why your ISTP neglected to delete those photos. To him, that kind of sensitive attention to how you *might* feel should you come upon the photos, did not even cross his mind (especially because they were relics of the Past). I believe the photos were meaningless to him, so take comfort in that. The hardest thing is to really accept that he won't think like you in some key ways. It doesn't mean he loves you less, as hard as it might be to believe sometimes. (Does anyone care to really explain what the heck ISTP "love" is for their SO? If it were written up as a contract, what would it say?)

He's bound to make sense to you if you calmly get him to tell you what he thinks is wrong vs. not wrong in a relationship. They really are cut-and-dry about what constitutes actual wrongdoing, and afaik, don't breach that line. You need to ask him where his cutoff line is and take it for a final answer and just trust that he won't cross it, as Ti is a bitch for Fi to negotiate with.

Sorry for the lengthy reply.

--

On a related note, I think when it comes to "cheating" it's very literal to an ISTP. Cheating is literally sexual touching with someone else. Not fantasy (god knows my ISTP has plenty of porn), and (to them) what the heck is EMOTIONAL cheating? No such thing!

What do you think, ISTPs?
 
#47 ·
saffron said:
So all of you ISTP guys are cool with your SOs keeping explicit messages and handy nude pictures of their ex on their phone and would have no problem with it?

I don't believe that for a second.
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Yeah I am pretty sure if I had another mans cock in my phone my istp would smash it right up.

That's a horrible thing for anyone to have to see. It's not nice to have some other girls tits in your face. (well it can be, but not in this context) lol.
 
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#48 ·
NikitaX said:
Yeah, because getting caught being a sleazy fuck and deleting them means he never wanted to look at his exs tits while he was with his new girlfriend in the first place.
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Your point is moot, or has no foundation whatsoever. I've endearing and partially explicit mails in my mail account going back to '08. Why would I delete them? Their existence is quite irrelevant to me on every level possible, to the point that even deleting them would be a waste of my time because I simply don't give a damn about their content, nor their very existence.

Any ISTP with half a brain will not be cought, if hiding anyting was the goal in the first place. The sole fact the stuff been on his mobile and all-time accessible pretty much shows how less he cares about them.

Personally, though, as far as actually nudes and stuff goes, they all have been deleted upon request of the girl in question after we broke up. I may, or may not have done it otherwise. In either case however I'd not care about their (in)existence.

Who knows or cares what his type is.
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This is quite important as this thread clearly shows. *NFP's seem to go into an emotional frenzy that's out of proportion, since most ISTPs appear to be rather indifferent, with the exception of you in this case (plus most ISTPs, if not all, would likely rid themselves of the content in question if asked to) - so obviously type plays a large role in terms of interpretation and understanding of any given situation.

@ontic seems to share the sentiment to an extent (that for him, it would not be okay), and while there is nothing wrong with that at all, he's far away of universally pushing his view, or oppinion for that matter onto anyone else or take an extreme stance on the subject.

Your personal values may be a guideline for yourself, they however are never universally applicable, if you choose going that route however, I'll have to loop back to the previous mentioned extremist behavior, or closed mindedness.
 
#49 ·
@Chelsaroo

Even though i doubt you will ever read this thread again but just for your peace of mind as you asked.

This problem what you posted here was not the real issue. The real issue was that you do not know if he does or does not love you. And theres nothing anyone online or offline that can help you with that. No magic words will ever give you clarity only if you manage to chill out and calm down can you figure this out. Rage and anger only make matters worse. Also, the only attacking comments in this thread were from nikitax. Everything else was just the blunt ISTP truth.

Also, i repeat what i said before. This is done. There is no future here. There is no trust.

For a healthy relationship there has to be mutual trust. You do not trust him at all and from what you have said, you never earned his.
 
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#50 ·
When did this turn into naked pictures? I thought this was about keeping texts. I wouldnt keep nude pics. That would seem almost pervy, since the ex and I would no longer have an intimate relationship.
 
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#52 ·
The problem here, is that the NF OP is really overplaying the fact of her bf having his ex's tits on his phone. It is just a pair of tits. The hardcore feelers here are acting is if he committed adultery when the odds are he just simply forgot they were there. Especially since this relationship is pretty fresh. I mean, what the fuck? He can't fuck his phone.

Now, admittedly would flip a lid if I saw a dick on my girlfriends phone right now? Your damn right I would, but that is because we are a few days over 1 year 6 months. The timing is much different. Regardless, you have broken what trust there was between you and your ISTP. And just to spice up your day, it is extremely, extremely unlikely you won't get that trust back.

And hey, if he wants a pair of breasts on his phone, give him some of you. Why not? Think of it this way as I'm sure you NF's out there would appreciate, your "marking your territory". Toss them old ex breasts out, while the newer more exciting ones slide right in. Assuming of course you havnt done that already. Its a win win.
 
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#53 ·
Relationships fail because of 2 things.
Both people make each other crazy
Both people do something to void the other's trust.

Trust is tough to gain and easy to lose. Its perfectly ok to not trust someone in the beginning of a relationship, but its important to at least pretend like you trust one another. Often times when women speak I believe 1% that comes out of their mouthes. I don't voice this, I just humor them and act as if its 100% true. It was a tough concept for me to get at first. I say, "I'm not going to read their phone. I'm not going to ask about their ex. I'm not going to do any of that. I'm going to be naive and act like everything is peachy and beautiful. That way things will be great when they DO start to turn in your favor. Otherwise you'll have this big scar in the early stages of your relationship, and if they aren't meant for you, time will be the judge.
 
#54 ·
NikitaX said:
So you say I have no point then you blather on in response to what exactly?
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Probably to your inclination to make far fetched assumptions beyond belief.

Needless to say we both probably know better, in the sense it won't get me, nor you anywhere. But that's what it's all about, killing time.

And good luck typing someones boyfriend, especially when they haven't given nearly enough indicators of what he could be. There are people on the forum who write up an essay about themselves and people still have trouble typing them. Its also not the point. The point is that he lied, and he looked at his exs nudes while he was with her. Istp, enfj, whatever, she can't trust him and thats the bottom line.
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Since you're making him out to be most notorious untrustworthy liar that ever walked on earth I think you're typing and labeling more than anything, or anyone in this thread. Though, that may be just my impression. While your premature judging has entertainment value and all, neither you, nor I, do know the circumstances under which he has a viewed the pictures. It may have been indifference, nostalgia, accidentally, left over sentiments, or really a sexual purpose.

You may jump onto the paranoid *NFP bandwagon for all I care, I'll stick to the generic ISTP whatever one, until I have all information available.
 
#55 ·
Chelsaroo said:
I have a feeling this is gonna be a novel... I've posted previously on some misunderstandings my boyfriend and I have, that were doing better as of late, but something new and unexpected has cropped up and is dampening my trust in him. Before I had complete faith and trust in him and this discovery came about and I will admit, I was livid.

My boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch and he was applying for a job online and I was just goofing around trying to keep myself entertained. I just picked up his phone for a second and I noticed the screen on it was a touchscreen when I thought his phone was just a regular phone and I had never even looked at his phone before, so this is not a case of me being a snooper. I just was clicking and the first thing conveniently located was messages and I thought to myself oh it's just going to be my messages lalalala... and BAM right underneath my heading was the name of his ex. They were from before we met, but they were locked. We've been dating for 7 months so I was like WTF?! I put it down thinking "Oh it's probably just innocent cutesy texting from when they were together." Yet then it was eating me up, I just had to know what they said so when he went to use the bathroom... I took a quick glimpse; they were dirty, raunchy, nasty messages which included a picture message of her breasts and who knows what else! I was shocked. I wasn't even angry at first. Then I went home, woke up, thought it over and I was PISSED. 7 Months and these messages were still there!?! :angry:

I know a bit about there history; she was always around many guys while dating my bf. Then she got a scholarship to go to a university in North Carolina and they broke up because they thought they couldn't survive long distance. They only dated for 4 months. During the months after, she slept around, I presume they had a friends with benefits relationship, and she slept with a good friend of his. She also contracted chlamydia and told my bf it'd be best to get himself tested. Yet these messages from a month before we had our first date were overtly sexual. I do not believe they talk at all as they are not friends on facebook and he seems very angry with her, but the fact that they were there messes with me.

So I decided it'd be best to confront him because I just couldn't hold it in. I called him on my break at work and I said remember when we were on the couch and I was like "Oh hey, I didn't know your phone was a touchscreen..." and he was like "yeah" then I said "Well... I did some clicking and incidentally I saw some saved messages from a girl. I got a glimpse of them and didn't see everything but what I did see I didn't like" he played dumb and was like "What do you mean?" and I said "I think you know what I'm talking about." He did, of course. I was crying and I asked why they were still there, he said he didn't know, just never got around to unlocking them. I said in 7 months you couldn't unlock them?! I asked if she was more attractive to him than me and if he still loved her, he said no. I asked if he had anything else to confess, had he talked to any other girls like this, or cheated... he said no. I believe him on that and then my anger got the best of me and for the first time I yelled at him. I said I didn't feel like I knew him anymore and that this was totally unlike him. For awhile I could not get him to say a word. He is strange about confrontation. He doesn't grovel and beg for forgiveness... he's just silent. Not like I expected him to, though, I don't think that's necessary. He admitted he looked at them maybe once 3 or 4 months ago. It made me sick because hmmm... you wonder why, right!?! So I said you know this is a pretty good reason to break up with you... and he said I know. I asked him if he had anything to say and he said I don't know what to say, I can't justify what I did. When I was angry and yelled he told me I was "wildly angry" and then I said "You don't think I should be upset with you?" and he said "Yes, you have every right to be." So I asked him what he was going to do and he said delete them as soon as we get off the phone. I'm sure he did but the fact that as he's been texting me all this time, a nasty girl's sexual texts and photos are sitting right under mine and it sickens me. Just turns my stomach. I know it wasn't cheating but it weirds me out he kept them that long and that he even looked at them. I don't know what to do but my trust in him is definitely wavering as I see he is capable of being secretive like that. How can our relationship recover? Every time I think about him now there is anger and now I'm not so sure of his innocence. What ruins my trust is the fact that he is not wise enough to realize that he should have deleted them out of respect to me! I wonder if he really wants her back and if he still loves her? :frustrating:

Could someone please give me some piece of mind?
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Too long, didn't read.
 
#59 ·
I think the best way to reach peace of mind is to realize your sense of proper conduct isn't really universally true. Yes, I'm sure if you were him you would have deleted those texts a long time ago because you ascribe certain sentimental values to them. And keeping those texts would imply perhaps perverse motivations, for you. But just because someone does something you wouldn't do, it does mean their intentions are bad. Separate the action from your point of view, and what you would do, and put yourself in his eyes. His world. I'm willing to bet he had no bad intentions and you're just projecting your personal values onto him.

I agree with @Kayness , perspective is important.
 
#60 ·
Kayness said:
Ok, not an ISTP here, and sorry to be harsh, but:

first of - DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, snoop around your boyfriend's private things. In addition to text messages this includes emails, voice messages, mails, etc. It is a violation of privacy, and TRUST, and is totally unacceptable. Your boyfriend trusted you enough to leave his phone around you while he's out of sight, and after debacle I wouldn't blame him if he no longer does that.

second - please get a sense of perspective; all of this happened and ended BEFORE your relationship with him started. Yes he may or may not look at those pictures when you're not around, but he's with YOU now...not his ex. Or maybe he's just simply too lazy to delete them or simply forgot about them. At any rate, he most likely doesn't attach any emotional/deeper 'spiritual' meanings to your messages being on top of his ex's messages. In other words; I'm pretty certain it means nothing. Yes, it is that simple. Your bf didn't do that to demean you.

Please also lose that sense of entitlement.
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Hey, not to be offensive, please don't be, but I don't trust any guys anymore unless they pass inspection when I'm snooping. I have been extremely wounded almost to the point of suicide by the betrayals of trusted men. If they aren't hiding anything, they shouldn't have any reason to worry about me putting away their underwear. Every time I found something upsetting, it was by accident. I am not a pesky suspicious woman. BUT.. I'm sick of getting hurt. I don't think after seven months of steady dating this guy needs to have any PRIVATE e-mails or text messages. That's a HUGE red flag. I do think this girl is totally over-reacting.. but that no snooping thing.. that's for the naive.
 
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