[Ćerulean]

I have an ENFJ cousin and he's never had a girlfriend. He has social anxiety but he adjusts to every which social situation so well he can mask that part of him. I would never have suspected it until I saw a Social Anxiety book for Dummies in his room. I think he's just trying to find his niche, given he's changed colleges a lot and somewhat has a hard time making friends despite being one of the most hilarious and genuine person I've encountered. He just needs to find himself a nice INFP chick who is into rock climbing, electric guitar, and lolcats like he is into.

 

[ArcticWolf]

Yeah, I think anyone can but maybe we're the type to fall in love with personality too. Looks are great but personality is what really matters. So of course, we become friends and maybe fall in love. Or have a crush on someone. Then since they are a good friend, you don't want to hurt them or lose them. We tend to be the 'nice guy' type. I feel like I can get so many women, like not to be cocky or anything, but lets be honest, there are plenty of choices out there. If theres an attractive girl out there, I'll have no problem talking up a storm with her, but when it comes down to it, we or at least I feel like I can only like one girl at a time. plenty of attractive girls out there, but can only be attracted to one.

Maybe this is the struggle, we find someone who could be the one. and we freeze up. care too much possibly? we stop being ourselves because we are confused inside. Do I risk everything or not. This is all whats going through my head at least. Combined with the thoughts of me screwing up and ruining it kinda gets me rushing through my own head.

I feel like the girls I look for are extremely rare, but everything happens for a reason and so in the end, everything works out. But I'm saying that a lot of it is up to you too.

My friends it kills me when we get in our own way. you guys deserve certain girls so much more than others-you would treat them better and they would probably be happier with you. But This is your chance to dance. Your chance to be happy. Maybe I'm trying to convince myself, but Thats what is going through my mind. thanks for listening/reading.

 

[SilentScream]

I can get along with women a lot more easily than I can get along with men. With men it's almost always "mine is bigger, deal with it" ... Ugh. Brute force is so not my style.

Even as a kid I remember being the centre of attention of my co-ed classes. In high school, I had to find private corners to avoid the women who would only see me as a conquest. For me, a woman who comes on too strong is a huge turn off. I like to make friends and my friendships are more about giving what I can rather than having any expectations for myself - but honestly I get very uncomfortable with women looking to be more than just friends.

I was friendly, kind and considerate, and unfortunately that used to give a lot of the girls the wrong message .. I so want to be sincere with all women I see. But a couple really broke my heart and I had to start watching out for myself a but more.

It's hard to cross my barriers, but once I decide to be friends with a women, then I'm in with all my heart and soul. However, I do create a line and clearly tell women not to get too interested, because in the end I'm a one woman kind of man. There's no playing around, definitely no cheating. The last thing I can do to a woman is not give her what she wants. Now if it's something that I *can't* give. It actually hurts me more than I let on.

Women are warm, friendly, considerate, kind, appreciative - and just an aphrodisiac for all my senses. I love having them around, and I love being around them. There's so much depth of thought there that the thought of bringing out the best in women really excites me.

 

[JakeDK]

Hey..

I am ENFJ guy and I kind of struggle.

I'll explain: I can get together with lots of girls. I actualy trained myself to get good around women and I would always create emotion and kissing with atleast 4 different girls a night. I have broken couples, even lesbian couples. Take into account that I am a short guy. So it is all persona/charm - I'm still in good shape tho. Yes, I was/am a player but I don't see myself this way, to me it is just "an experiment" tho I know I am looking for someone speciel, someone True. Someone who understands me! I get the feeling that all theese girls aren't really real, like it was just a game or movie. None of them love me, they just see a succesful guy who can handle most people and they will feel an attraction for this reason.


And lately I have kind of had a meltdown. I just deleted half of my facebook friendlist. I am pleasing so much that I rarely even add people to facebook, not to be to "needy" or to much in your face. I can't really feel free to search for someone who loves me sincerely because of me having to please/being distracted by so many people.

Now I want to: Only keep friends with sincere people who actualy cares about me. I have read that INFP, should be the natural mate for ENFJ. I checked out INFP personalities on youtube, and a lightning strike me. INFP's are the natural cute girl who to me seems to be living in a bit of their own world but they are smart and makes you feel very good to be arround. I kind of just gaze when listening to this type..

I will love to discuss this and I know I might come off as a total jerk but to be honest I believe I never made someone feel bad.

 

[Roland]

And lately I have kind of had a meltdown. I just deleted half of my facebook friendlist. I am pleasing so much that I rarely even add people to facebook, not to be to "needy" or to much in your face. I can't really feel free to search for someone who loves me sincerely because of me having to please/being distracted by so many people.

Now I want to: Only keep friends with sincere people who actualy cares about me. I have read that INFP, should be the natural mate for ENFJ. I checked out INFP personalities on youtube, and a lightning strike me. INFP's are the natural cute girl who to me seems to be living in a bit of their own world but they are smart and makes you feel very good to be arround. I kind of just gaze when listening to this type..

I will love to discuss this and I know I might come off as a total jerk but to be honest I believe I never made someone feel bad.

If you're looking for a life partner, I would suggest looking into Brahmacharya. It is not what most societies are into these days, but it is bound by high ideals.

 

[JakeDK]

To me it looks a lot like a religion.. I don't want to change my religion really.. I am happy as a christian and I don't want to live in celibace..

 

[EmpireConquered]

Eh, i thought ENFJs are good at persuading people to like them. XP

 

[JakeDK]

I think ENFJs are good with women. We just have very high expectations. We are not just on about looks but very much also the personality factor. Also we should never be attempted to made jealous. We often have very complex value systems too.

 

[SilentScream]

No .. I don't struggle with any relationships - regardless of whether they're women, or men, children, relatives - if I want to sustain them.

But I think once expectations set in, they become harder to sustain. When I'm expected to do too much for someone else, I usually end up flaking out on them.

 

[mimi4383]

How do you react if you feel jealous, but aren't necessarily purposely made to feel jealous. Like if you were interested in a girl and there were other guys that were pursuing her...Would you feel competitive and try harder or would you back off?

 

[SilentScream]

How do you react if you feel jealous, but aren't necessarily purposely made to feel jealous. Like if you were interested in a girl and there were other guys that were pursuing her...Would you feel competitive and try harder or would you back off?

Every ENFJ is different --- reactions to things like jealousy etc can be better explained through Enneagrams.

Personally, I generally don't feel jealous because I'm very secure in my friendships/relationships --- especially in my relationships. I haven't been involved in a relationship where I was insecure or mistrusting. Or even competitive. I just *knew* that I'm likeable enough to be loved and that I am better than most people - so I don't doubt that someone could be interested in me. There was a short time after my divorce where I felt unwanted, unloveable, and I had closed myself off of the idea of ever being loved because of my disability - but I was proven wrong quickly enough by @Etherea who re-assured me with her love and acceptance - and constantly crosses all hurdles that come our way to keep us together. Sometimes I think she works harder to keep us together than I do, because I have a tendency to over-think and fall back into my insecurities.

However, when I'm purposefully being made to feel jealous, I react passive aggressively and even kinda coldly for a while seeing things as they develop. Once I hit a point of absolute surety, then I make it a point to let my partner know that she's behaving in a way designed to purposefully make me jealous. Intentions and motives are so easy to pick up on. I haven't felt jealous in my current or my past relationship even though my ex-wife had a habit of trying to make me jealous - as she was a jealous sort herself.

My reaction to her was "Why would you even think something like that would make me jealous? Are you feeling neglected? Am I doing something wrong? If you feel the need to make me feel jealous, then either say that you want to be closer to me, or that I'm neglecting you in some way so I can stop doing that or be better as a lover, or a friend."

When I'm pursuing someone [for romance, or friendship], I don't back off till I am absolutely sure that I'm unwanted.

 

[JakeDK]

In that case I would just be polite and wait for her to show interest. Then if she starts conversation I would listen and ask her questions that would make her tell me her view points on things. Then a little feed back on my perspectives. See if she follows. If she doesn't I would probably become less interested..

If you are talking to an ENFJ and they tell you things that give away some of their values. Then ask the ENFJ why he or she thinks so? etc.. Just be interested in it.. I know I like to feel that I can tailor her values.. We just need a soulmate, really..

 

[Uncouth Angel]

I have one ENFJ friend with whom I have a sort of "bromance" going on. We both deeply appreciate the other's company, and I get the sense that he instinctively protects me the way that ENFJs are wont to do. He goes out of his way to be accessible, and around others, he is outgoing, enthusiastic, and charming. He's a hard guy not to like. He doesn't always make the wisest decisions, though.

I once confided in him that my ex told me that I was like a "chic" in the relationship, though she meant that as an observation and not as an insult. He told me that the various women in his life said the same thing, and that there were times when the only women who were interested in him were ones who didn't catch his interest for whatever reason, and this was also true for me. I think his first girlfriend broke up with him because she felt bored and needed a "challenge" or some nonsense like that.

I get the impression that ENFJs, though they do indeed care about the betterment of the people around them, can be clingy and manipulative as well. Maybe for a less mature ENFJ male, this might be read as desperation from the women he pursues.

 

[Sayem arafat]

First of all, I Think we ENFJ are the boss. we can go to any room and force people to listen to us. even most seniors want to advise from us. Cause we are good at it. I have always wondered why my friends (girl) bf/husband always feel dislike me or give me a weird vibe. now i know. cause they are afraid of my charisma and they think I will take their girls away. you don't need to worry.use it in your professional success.your times will come

 

[HGy]

Are you sure you're ENFJ?

You don't seem like an ENFJ.. you almost sound like an intp or something..

The few ENFJ guys I know are magnets for all the beautiful INFJ and INFP girls lol

 

[SoulfulThinker]

Well, I am not an ENFJ guy, but I am an INFP woman who has been on the receiving end of an ENFJ's attentions and I find them absolutely charming, and we have the best conversations. I'd love to date an ENFJ if circumstance allowed (currently the only one I could see myself dating lives far away). I love that they are simultaneously sentimental but intelligent, fun but still have serious beliefs / strong values, etc. They're so friendly and adaptable that they seem to make friends easily wherever they go.

I will say this though: my ENFJ guy friends complain they cannot meet a girl, but they often have a trail of female friends following them like puppy dogs. I want to shake them and tell them to look around them, and so I will do that to you: :shakes: look around you - are you totally sure you don't have any girls who are "friends" waiting in the wings? Are you dismissing them over stupid nit-picky things? If not, then disregard that.

Next issue I've seen with my ENFJ guy friends is that they flirt like no tomorrow, and it's so charming and wonderful until you realize they do it with nearly everybody, small children and old people included. Make sure that when you pursue a woman you are sincerely interested that you display a difference in your behavior towards her. It needs to be clear you are interested in her and that she isn't just another friendly flirtation. An ENFJ guy friend turned out to be interested in me once, but I was turned off because he was too attentive to other women - it made me doubt his sincerity. He was very nice, but a little too nice and complimenting to other girls. ENFJs seem to have a blind spot here - they just see it as friendly and don't realize it can cross the line. Maybe you don't seem as respectful as you think? Again, if this doesn't apply, disregard it.

I understand the abstraction thing though. I think a lot of intuitives get frustrated with this. We want to discuss things that the sensor majority finds dull, and we find them dull (major generalizing to make a point). I find ENFJs do really well at bridging the gap between sensors and intuitives because Fe is so adaptable. I do know an ENFJ or two who can focus on "intellectually depressive" topics and it will turn women off - they may see the depressed aspect as whiny. Pity doesn't tend to inspire romantic feelings. The intellectual part can seem elitist or know-it-all, and that seems arrogant (not attractive). I'm not sure what the solution to this is, because being Fi-dom, I am probably more retarded in that area :crazy:, but the ENFJs I know who seem to draw people to them 1) focus a lot on the other person, 2) take a diplomatic approach to expressing opinions, and 3) maintain a positive attitude, even with some wry self-deprecation at times. I have yet to meet one ENFJ who doesn't have a very playful side, and it's best to show that first and then ease into deeper conversation. It's less overwhelming and intense for people that way (and most NFs can seem intense in some way).

I also know that NFs have very high ideals, and its been my observation that ENFJs have very high standards and are looking for something very particular in a relationship - so yeah, you either lower your standards or accept it may take some time/effort to meet someone you really mesh with. I'm always a fan of the latter approach (but then I am perpetually single and a hardcore idealist :crazy.

And if women only like you when you act like a dumb jerk, then they are probably dumb jerks also.
(Maybe you should look for an INFP... )

I hope this essay helps some 👅.

INFP (female) here! 🙋‍♀️ I concur with this. I'm currently dating an ENFJ (male) and I find his intellectual side extremely attractive. Also, he is the most respectful, selfless person I've ever dated and I've never been more drawn to a person in my life. I value respect and harmony in relationships, and it seems he does as well. Also, from what I understand, INFP is the most compatible type for ENFJ so there's that. I definitely second the recommendation of finding yourself an INFP love interest