Ask yourself two questions: Are you attractive? Do you treat others with fairness and respect?

If it's yes to both then you're going to have guys coming at you no matter what you try to convey, regardless of personality type. A guy is attracted to physical beauty first. Underdeveloped guys (boys) usually need only that requirement. The more experienced men then look into character. Are you friendly? respectful? considerate? honest? and all those things? If so then most guys are going to think "Hey! I've found a great girl!" They will want to be more than just friends because they see a good combination of qualities. The problem is that they can't read your mind to tell whether if you're interested in that way or not. There has been plenty of shy girls, direct girls, and everything in between, and at one point or another you realize you just can't tell whether a girl is into you unless you push forward.

Then there's the guy who keeps coming back after you told him no. He honestly believes something he does will get you to change your mind. Very hard to get rid of. You gotta tell him to look elsewhere.

Hope this helps. :happy:

 

Ask yourself two questions: Are you attractive? Do you treat others with fairness and respect?

If you can answer yes to both questions do you live near Cleveland, Ohio? :tongue:

Haha sorry, as Revolution said girls in these categories will always have guys coming at them. I'm just trying to make sure you're used to it. So see, I have your best interests in mind!

 

I've been known to be a homewrecker, in some situations.

I don't even know how.

 

That's happened once, during and after I told him I didn't intend to lead him on with my friendliness/playfulness, but he said he still felt like flirting a bit 0.o At the time I didn't know what that meant, so I just let it go.. it confused me a bit bc I thought my lack of reciprocation would suck for him, but he said it made him feel hopeful and inspired. I think he just enjoys showing affection but we both know a relationship isn't going to happen. Whenever I feel like he's coming on too strong I alter my communication and make it more detached, sarcastic, whatever, so he doesn't get these "soft" vibes from me and feel the need to gush. :/

 

Well I'm glad I'm not the only one who has this problem! It's super awkward. It's worse when the guy is nice and you're terrified your rejection is going to crush him, which it probably is. I've gotten to the point where I try to be as blunt as possible with guys. I realize this doesn't always work anyways, but at least I feel morally better about stating my intentions right off the bat.

I think the downside is I'm a flirty/fun/happy person and I hate that I have to tone it down sometimes because people read way too much into it. I just like to play and be friendly! To me it just means I like your company, not that I necessarily want to date you. Sigh. But then even if you say you just want to be friends, and you be your flirty/friendly self, you are accused of sending mixed signals. Oi vey!

 

I'm not sure if this really fits, but I had asked out some guy for prom, stating that it's a 'just friends' thing. We didn't really know each other at all. I had wanted to practice just being myself with him, to see if I could do it. It was surprising to me that he wanted to hang out and such before prom, because I just wanted someone to go with. He was acting like we were dating, and was very sweet in his conversations and actions, even though I told him after a while that I had asked him because I just wanted a date. He still persisted, and I persisted to be myself around him. Great prom and everything, week after in school, he asked me if we were just friends or 'something more'. I said that we were just friends and he hasn't talked to me since.

Oh high school.

 

I think it's because you INFJ's are so warm, kind, thoughtful and considerate in your speech and words -- it's unusual and it makes people feel like they're special to you so maybe they have a hard time understanding how sb. who talks and treats them that way really isn't interested in more?
And perhaps too it's because they're so taken with you that they just keep reading hopefully into things you do say and yes, hoping you'll change your mind.
The down side of being so awesome.

 

It takes one to know one :happy:and that's a good thing :wink:

 

If a man finds a woman attractive and she pays attention to him on a reoccurring basis he will still think there is a possible opportunity there. Otherwise, why else would she be talking to him?! It doesn't matter what disinterest she may have communicated to him 3 years ago, 2 months ago or 1 week ago. Most certainly it doesn't even matter if the strictly platonic line has never been crossed. In that case, you are still a land yet to be conquered.

When a man says, "No man could ever just be friends with a woman." He knows there is undeniable truth in that statement.

So indeed, yes it has happened to me many times. The only thing you can do is be completely honest with the guy (in this case - over and over again). Beyond that - the only way to shut him down is to express your desires for a guy you just met, or a guy you will be going on a date with...treat him as you would a girlfriend. Always thank him for being a good friend; you appreciate him for his male point of view and ability to hang out together with no relationship pressures.

 

When a man says, "No man could ever just be friends with a woman." He knows there is undeniable truth in that statement.

I was going to say something similar, so thank you for paving the way. I think that this statement is only untrue when there is absolutely no attraction whatsoever on both sides. In my perspective friendship is subjective and can be one-sided. By that I mean that it's possible for a guy to be your friend in the same way that you're friends with another girl- in your mind that is (subjective). So the intent, feelings and behavior are the same as with other friendships. That's why I would qualify it as a genuine friendship on your side even if the guy has different feelings and intent, but the same behavior. In his case it would be a false friendship, so no friendship at all. What it really is, is a courtship ritual by making you believe you're his friend.

The guy in such a relationship is doing one of the following:

1) He's immature and genuinely believes that this is a normal courtship (no ill intent)
2) He's intentionally decieving you (ill intent)

At first the woman is not in the wrong because she is under the genuine impression that they are (mutual) friends. However, the second the woman knows there is romantic interest on his part and she does not end the relationship it means she is doing one of the following:

1) Taking advantage of the guy who believes this is a normal courtship that might produce results (ill intent)
2) Choosing to continue the relationship because she does not realize the guy is unable to stop himself from feeling attracted to her forever (no ill intent for as long as she remains ignorant about how men work. After that: ill intent)
3) Choosing to continue a relationship where both parties are intentionally decieving each other (ill intent)

My conclusion is that the only situation where no malice is intended from either side is the 'friendship' where the guy is immature and genuinely doesn't know how to court a lady, while the woman is unaware of his feelings for him (or is is aware but has not attended any men 101 classes). The rest is, in my humble opinion, a toxic relationship.


That's why I have no female friends in real life, only online. I've never been in the situation where neither party was attracted in my entire life. There are very few women that I know who I am not attracted to. The one that I'm not attracted to is attracted to me, which is why I keep her as far away as I can.

I have just one more thing to say, for you to think about: Almost all women who have talked to me about this have done such a good job at deluding themselves that they think their malicious behavior is not rooted in selfishness. All while still admitting in some way or another that the guy in question was attracted to them, emotionally immature and ignorant of his real chances.

Sorry to sound so negative. I just firmly believe friendship and attraction doesn't mix, ever. You're welcome to disagree with me of course. Here's some smileys to show you I'm not all doom and gloom: :crazy::tongue::laughing:

 

Oh yes this happens to be all too often. I'll be upfront and say "I just want to be friends..." and then they'll ask me out anyway or something and I'll figure its just a date so what is the harm in it and it would be a good experience. Then I have to reassure him again that I just want to be friends and I can't see him as nothing more... there's only been maybe 2 or 3 times where the guys just could not fathom the idea that I just wanted to be friends. The rest of them I managed to smoothly transition to just hanging out as friends mode.

I hate to ruin the friendship for dating... I've had this happen a few times and it was horrible because the friendship is never the same afterward it seems. :frustrating:

 

Well then it's a good thing we're not real friends! I mean..umm...er..yea...

On a more serious note, when dealing with introverts or just girls in general, is it better to ask a girl out when you don't know her well or after you're more familiar with each other? Me and one of my buddies were talking about this today, and reading this thread makes it seem like waiting till you're kind of friends is a bad idea.

 

I find this happens to me even though I am just being friendly and nice so I agree that it is very possible for someone to be attracted to us because of that kindness and warmth even though it is just the way we are. Then on top of that when we realize what we have done, it is difficult for us to just go off and be terribly mean to the person to detach the attraction.

I have done the friendship to relationship deal with a person who I had no idea was attracted to me previously. It was alright we ended it though on mutual terms because it didn't feel right, still great friends, possibly even closer then what we were before.

 

I've fallen into this trap before... so weird.

K.. so last semester between all my roommates, I was the one that the INFJ talked to the most. She kept to herself mostly. Never left her room, always had headphones on but she would come out if I came knocking and we did gel. Even if she was probably being polite there was a certain genuineness I felt about her. Here I am, an INTJ acting like an ENFP trying to awkwardly win her over while trying not to cross the "thou shalt not date a roommate" rule... it was the weirdest I've ever seen myself act. Anyway, two weeks before the lease expires I finally gather the balls to timidly but barely utter that I understand that "this isn't probably something she thinks about" but I had developed feeling for her... I don't know if I was just ignoring the signs or that she was trying to hide that she was attracted to girls. Probably a bit of both?

Anyway, that destroyed my mind for a couple months. I should have seen that coming.

 

It's pretty obvious when I like you as more than a friend. I don't think I've ever lead anyone on, but had it happen to me many times.

 

oh yes...

I get caught in the land of misunderstanding often.
I let my feeling about a person block what is going on between us.
thats a pretty tough area for me actually.

 

That's interesting. I couldn't imagine doing that myself.. I find it's too much to risk. It's like a blind date. I'd also wonder what is this person going by anyway.. I'm aloof enough as it is. I've always said no in the past.

We wouldn't have to be friends, but we'd have to have at least some sort of relationship, like colleague or neighbour where I'd see the person several times in the week and for more than a few hours each. And to make a move at least after the first month depending on the frequency or intimacy... longer is better... I've also found that sometimes you don't lead people on romantically but some people are just incorrigibly horny.

 

let's all vouxche to have a date by a certain time.

date can be with the hottie you keep seeing at the bookstore, or maybe you want to take your grandma out for a drink !

anyway...
whoever it may be, I think every INFJ should have a date every month.

just a totally one on one moment of shared devotion.

wait... no wonder I lead people on.
I tend to do this all the time with my friends, not too often it is equally shared though. that is another story.

 

I don't lead men on.

I usually can figure out pretty early what someone's intentions are with me. I then adjust my behavior accordingly. You can 'tell' someone a lot through body language, amount of interactions, type of interactions, etc. If I don't like you, I'll avoid eye contact, avoid lots of conversations, long conversations, etc.

Like Revolution said, if you're an attractive female, and reasonably nice... guys will like you.

I try not to lead people on though. I don't want to waste their time and mine.

 

It's probably the guys you know. I'm a bit like that in the sense that I can be easily led on, but it depends on how I feel about the person how much I read into what they say. Maybe you are leading the guys on by accident, but that's more down to them jumping on any positive affirmation they think they see.
I can see the problem of being friends with someone you're physically attracted to, since if you're friends then you must like their personality and if that's the case, it's hard not to want to date them... unless you know of specific issues they have with relationships that you can't deal with. I'm friends with a few girls I'm attracted to but it manages to be okay because I don't see real possibility in them.
It does suck to lead people on though =\ I've only done it a couple of times but it kinda hits you in the face hard when you haven't noticed it for so long

 

Relationships are such a challenge in today's world where there are no clearly defined roles or rules for that matter. We are living in a world without limits and then wondering why we are all so confused as to where to go and what to do! We are a globalized society and cultures are clashing, merging, and morphing. So the fact that Mars can't figure out what Venus is trying to communicate pales in comparison to what is going on globally versus locally.

I'm from the shortest distance between two points is a line clan and when in doubt a person should go directly to the source, ask a direct question and take that answer at face value. It sounds a little unromantic and I guess like with a good joke it is all in the delivery and timing but it would help cut down on that stalker attitude some people have because honestly I am wrapped up better than a Chimichanga in my style of dress and am as platonic in my communication as they come and don't feel I should be devoid of personality just to avoid "leading" people on.

If it moves or breathes you can be sure someone out there is getting turned on by it. I just focus on being as respectful as possible with people and avoid ambiguous situations like the plague. This is good advice for men and women alike...unfortunately our lifestyles have created a lot of alienated and under served/under loved people :sad:Can you blame them if they seek attachment in the slightest hint of kindness being shown to them,in this at times, very harsh world? No, but they also must be handled with kid gloves because that attachment can either help the person to grow or in the end lead to undesired circumstances (like harming themselves or you for that matter) Good thing we were blessed with good intuition and it is at these times when we most need it. We were born to love and be loved....but that doesn't mean we necessarily are going to have a relationship...at least not the one that is playing out in your head. Relationships are a two way street. When you hit a "Dead End" it's good to understand that that may be just where it goes and be fine with that and if you aren't there are other avenues to pursue.

*Can you tell I've had experience with stalkers? They weren't even mine LOL!*

 

*Can you tell I've had experience with stalkers? They weren't even mine LOL!*

You've been stealing other people's stalkers?! High five! :crazy:
That's taking home wrecking to a whole new level.

It's still wrong though. That stalker should come clean with his girl that he's following someone else. Possibly end the relationship on his next blood written note saying "It's been fun watching you from my car and following you when you're out with your friends... but i believe you deserve someone better... someone who will put a gps on your car or push your friends away..." :laughing:

 

They lead themselves on.

 

I am going to address your previous questions by saying, a true guy who "gets it" doesn't try to broker over to the other side once he has been catagorized as a friend. Attraction is there in the first few seconds or it's not there. If it's not there, that's fine. He should take the friend role.

The girls you are friends with are great - they have girlfriends, all the better.

 

No, most of the women I interact with, or have in the past I don't think ever liked me in that way. Either it is this or I am completely oblivious to their advances which maybe the case.

 

When I was younger, I had this problem. I think I was oblivious to things for a while, but then got asked out, and was so flustered and surprised, I didn't know what to do. I'm sure I acted like an idiot, most of the time, and I never got used to it.

Now I am an old married lady and do not have this "problem" of being so desirable to male friends!

As long as you are honest and kind to the other person, I think it will work out ok. But it's hard to get over hurting someone else.

 

Actually Rube helped me realize that I am a gusher...I gush over new friends, a good product I've "discovered" etc. Part of the reason is probably because I am such a person to blend into the woodwork, so when I see something valuable I tend to gush so others can see what I see and because I appreciate having that good thing in my life and wanting to share it with others. So in some cases I can see where this can be misconstrued by someone.

I can see where sploney is going with her post also. When you are in a well established relationship you give off a different energy. I often get teased at home that they can't wait to see me married because I am still too giddy like a teenager.

 

Actually Rube helped me realize that I am a gusher...I gush over new friends, a good product I've "discovered" etc. Part of the reason is probably because I am such a person to blend into the woodwork, so when I see something valuable I tend to gush so others can see what I see and because I appreciate having that good thing in my life and wanting to share it with others. So in some cases I can see where this can be misconstrued by someone.

Glad I could be of service!