Parents who don't understand their ENFP children?

digitalceremony · Sep 3, 2013

Hello fellow ENFPs. Today I had a realisation about my parents and my family life. I grew up in an unhealthy, emotionally repressed home, with an ISTJ father who was both physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. My mother, an ISFJ, was only emotionally abusive and neglectful. This had a large impact on me growing up. So much of my ENFP nature I have learned to turn down and block out; the Ne-Fi rants that leave me feeling rejuvenated and enamoured of the world; the spontaneity and curiosity, the hyperactive energy and mad impulses, the Fi speeches and emotional sincerity. All of these were things my unhealthy SJ parents couldn't handle, so they punished me for them. All the time they told me I was a "bad kid", too loud and hyperactive and rambunctious- and all I was doing was being my own ENFP self! I was a great kid. I had a big imagination, a goofy sense of humour and mischief, a thirst for knowledge and a loving heart. But for some reason (perhaps the unhealthy nature of their Introverted Sensing) my parents found me exhausting and a handful. They didn't have time nor understanding for an ENFP child like myself, and that was very damaging for me.

Don't get me wrong; I believe that children of all types are special and deserve to be valued by their parents. However, being an ENFP myself, I'm somewhat biased to think that ENXP children are especially wonderful :wink:. When I think of how I was originally: gregarious, at times crazy, dreamy and kind, it makes me so mad that my parents were unable to appreciate child-me. They really missed out, because what healthy parent wouldn't be thrilled to have a child like that? A child who is their own person, who is interested in so many things, who is so genuinely curious about the world around them. I know if I were a parent I would be delighted. I would want to teach them about the world, how wonderful it is, how complex. I would nurture that child and teach them that their Extroverted Intuition isn't bad or something to be ashamed of, but an exquisite gift to be valued and nourished.

Then I thought about you guys. I wondered; how many other ENFPs grew up with clueless, or disinterested, mismatched parents? for as long as I can remember I have felt like I am living underground. I live like an introvert, like an unhealthy ISTJ, my shadow type. I am unable to be myself at home because I am not allowed to be. In Introverted company I probably come across as an INTJ or an INTP. My ESFJ and ESXP friends probably think I'm a painfully shy ENFJ.
All in all, I really think I would have benefited from having at least one ENXP parent. Feeling understood is so important for children, and it would have helped me tremendously to know I wasn't weird or insane or an annoyance.

What are your thoughts?

Will tankman · Sep 3, 2013

OMG, I can relate to everything in your post. Literally every damn point you mentioned. It all relates so much...

My parents never ever ever EVER appreciated me. My dads a very unhealthy ESFJ (Comes off as ISFJ I guess because of no social life). My whole life he's been critisizing the world and how everyone should live in a certain way, judgemental as fuck and just a bit of a pleb in general.
My mum has severe bipolar disorder, always was extremely violent when I was younger, always threatening me and I always watched my mum and dad argue when I was young. (More then arguing, knives involved etc).
This has made me a bit of an emotionally unhealthy person all together. For nearly my whole childhood up until I was around 15, i was completely oblivious to everything about the world except their negativity.
My dad never once supported what I want to do. He supports my older brother (Who is a violent asshole towards me and everyone as well), because my older brother is an INTJ who's obsessed with maths and science, so my dad thinks thats the right way of living. Being academically smart and good at theory. Whenever I tell him I want to pursue acting or drama or anything of that nature, he shuts me down and says 'Theres no hope, don't try, it's way too hard and why would you out of all people have talent, its stupid, just study maths like your older brother'.

Arghh I don't want to bore you with my life storym, what I'm trying to say is I can relate

It's terrible

!

Klaro26 · Sep 13, 2013

Ok...I'm not an ENFP, but my best friend is. And she keeps complaining about this issue. I don't know her parents' types, but what I do know is that she always felt like they could not support her. Like they were never proud of her.
What I usually advise her to do is speak frankly and calmly with her parents. They often snap at her bc they don't agree with some decisions she makes, but the solution is not yelling back. They won't understand. You need to speak frankly whenever facing an argument and explain it to them why you feel in a certain way or why you acted in a certain way. Openess is really important.
Also, what I know from my ENFP friend is that she feels she could never live up to their expectations. My advice was always to explain it to them that you might have set different goals for yourself, contrary to what they feel.
Anyway, hope I helped at least a lil bit.

Shirafuji Ai · Oct 27, 2017

Thank you for the idea, however quite honestly that would only work with people willing to understand. Willing to think. Willing to use their damned brain. These people... These abusive 'parents' would never hear their children... It is of no interest to them to understand their children, they are quick to judge and stick to that judgement of theirs. These abusive parents are the scummiest of the scum who are unable to use their brain and achieve any sort of understanding and abuse their children. Many of us probably have tried that already, I know I have, it is always so damn confusing and hurtful. I won't go into any details right now, I would end up rambling. I must calm down, and get back to my previous activity after looking around for some form of slight comfort. I simply responded to this to let you know of this, not sure why... But I simply wanted to let you know of that.

SublimeSerendipity · Sep 13, 2013

I grew up with an emotionally abusive ESFJ mother and an emotionally distant ISTJ father and I definitely think that my ENFPness was seen as problematic in their eyes. My therapist refers to my temperament as "spirited" (I believe that many ENFPs probably could qualify - it used to be referred to as a difficult/fussy temperament in child-rearing psychology), and has explained that my mother was not emotionally capable of raising a child like this and instead inflicted emotional damage. Rather than teaching me as a child how to use my gifts and control them she instead just assumed I was a bad kid and let me know that I was.

Llyralen · Oct 30, 2017

I think what you said about the joy and love that you wish had been yours growing up, you can see you should give yourself. You can look back at child you and say, “you’re wonderful! You make me laugh! You are adorable!” My life coach a while back helped me do an exercise like that. I was telling her that I often feel like such a weirdo and I try to hold back from people so they don’t have to deal with me. Humiliation is also a big fear of mine— had to do another exercise with that. She said when did that first happen to you? Then let me describe an episode that was hurtful. She then said, “Tell yourself about you now— that everything is going to be okay. Give yourself love.”
You don’t get to choose your parents. You can only decide to have a great parent-child relationship with your kids. We get 2 chances at the whole parent- child relationship.
I just had my kids. take the MBTI a bit ago and having my daughter type as INTP— well I’ve been bringing out those talents ever since and enjoying her personality even more now I understand better.

Parents who don't understand their ENFP children?

Top Contributors this Month

Recommended Communities