I'm not dating an INTJ but I am close friends with one. Hope you dont mind me offering the pros and cons of an infp+intj friendship! I know things will differ in a romantic relationship but for a friendship, here are some things that I think are the joys and sorrows:

Pros:
-He's amazing at keeping a cool head. I panic and he keeps me calm so I go to him for advice all the time!
-he can tell when something is wrong and is direct when asking
-he likes that he can come to me for emotional support
-we give each other enough space without being too distant (there when we need the other, but not overbearing)
-can help me bring my ideas to action!
-I give him new perspectives on his ideas

Cons:
-he isn't very sensitive towards how he phrases things which can make me feel hurt
-my innocence can be annoying for him:tongue: my head is more in the clouds
-he is pretty smart (in STEM) and it frustrates him to have to explain some things to me
-I'm not great at arguing or debating and he sees that as me being illogical
-can seem emotionally lacking. He doesn't hesitate to let me know Im doing something wrong instead of comforting me.

Edit: @seaflower, you reminded me:
my INTJ friend and I have different interests but they're almost completed by the other because he likes art and I create art, I like music and he creates music and so forth

 

I'm dating a strongly-suspected but as-yet-untested INTJ. I am satisfied with the relationship. When we met first I felt an immediate, intense connection with him. However, I think both of us are people who are difficult (slower...) to get to know. Coupled with this, I think that INFPs and INTJs tend to have rather different communication styles. I'm more about words and he's more about actions. After the initial flush, the start of the relationship was a bit hot-and-cold.

I think I initially found communication very frustrating and felt like he was disinterested a lot of the time. I persevered and the results have been great. And to be fully honest, while I found getting to know him romantically somewhat difficult, I was became more curious and eager to make things work. I am curious about people but my curiosity is usually satisfied easily.

We are both independent and like our own space and can give each other our own space. He is mostly cool headed and is very capable at dealing with his own stress. He takes criticism very well and is pretty good at stating his own needs. I encourage his silliness and he encourages my seriousness.

I think INFPs and INTJs both tend to focus on the long term. His INTJ plans actually work though. I feel like I have such vague visions for the future but he's there working out the blueprints like a sexy mastermind :blushed:

If there is a compromise I would say that we have a very small pool of similar interests. I never thought I would fall for someone with such terrible taste in music. However, we have very compatible values and I believe that's central to any relationship that has the potential for sustainable happiness.

Hope this was helpful and good luck with your own INTJ experience

 

The two biggest reported problems are
a) the INTJ is immature and steamrollers the INFP : seek a mature or older INTJ
b) the INTJ gets freaked out by the INFP's lack of planning / disorder : trade chores with each other or demarcate private spaces
or, on the other foot
a) the INFP crowds the INTJ in a quest for constant affirmation : INFP should realize the INTJ isn't going anywhere, and will be there INSTANTLY if there is genuine *need*
b) the INFP is inflexible about someone getting too close to one of their "values land mines". Conversation before the land mine is stepped on, to let everyone know "this is a sensitive / important topic" will help.

Best wishes!

 

I think I'm after one right now :blushed:. If we get together (in a couple of years or so) I'll answer your question haha.

 

One of my friends (INFP) used to date an INTJ in a pretty unhealthy relationship. It wasn't one person's fault, both of them were bad for each other overall but there positives and negatives to go along with the years that they dated. @LittleDreamer has already put the strengths and weaknesses quite well.

Positives:

- the partnership was complimentary. They could have their own lives outside of each other and brought different things to the relationship.

- She brought the sensitivity and consideration for people's feelings/values and he brought rationality and future planning.

- Their introvertedness was complimentary. When they were together, they wanted just to be alone, so there wasn't one person trying to get the other one to be more extroverted.

- Their interests generally match up, in an intuitive way and they both prize authenticity. Whatever it is they both liked, they could talk about in detail for hours and there was no Fe/Fi conflict, nor Ti/Te.


Negatives:

- At times the dynamic looked like that of a grown man dating a child. She was far more indecisive than he and this bothered him a lot. He didn't help the issue by the way he'd talk to her though as he didn't have a filter and wasn't very tactful, so she ended up quite emotional around him very often - which he didn't appreciate nor deal with well.

- He refused to compromise. If he decided that one plan of action for their relationship was best, he'd make unilateral decisions. And while he was better with long-term planning then she was, it wasn't a fair dynamic for her to have little to no choice in how it all worked with him dominating her.

- Their maturity levels were far a part. His emotional intelligence was pretty non-existent and eventually the differences which once attracted them to each other, broke them apart. She was very very over-sensitive and took everything he said as a insult, even when it wasn't worded that way, yet she wouldn't confront him about it. She'd just brew over her frustration and allow it to keep happening. And he was not open with his thoughts and didn't provide her with the emotional transparency she wanted.

 

I'm not in a romantic or platonic (i consider him as a friend as of now but i dont know if it's the sams for him, probably not) relationship with an intj but my boss is intj so i think that is still a relationship right?

Pros
If i need to see things objectively, he's the go to guy
He's very smart (been said here many times)
He can read people well. In fact i am amazed at how good he is at reading me. No one in the office comes close even some of my long time friends
He's very supportive and helpful
He's very dedicated to improving me / us (his direct reports)

He's adaptable and very caring. Which is the very exact opposite of their stereotype. He's caring and loving to his direct reports and it's genuine. He's just not expressive

He's very likable actually. I like him. And i know there are others too who like him [emoji3]


Cons
Not expressive

For someone good at reading people, he's not good at picking up cues relating to emotions

Not very sensitive to feelings

Not very responsive with text messages or chats when it's not about work or career. Sometimes all i get is a smiley or lol or hehe

Not sentimental though i super duper appreciated when he told me he kept the appreciation and encouraging notes i gave him

Note: im in a gym right now will respond more after my workout


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I've been dating my INTJ for close to 4 years now - it's the longest relationship I've been in and the most compatible by far.

To start with the sorrows.
1) we have different communication styles, and that creates a ton of issues. Sometimes we can have the same intentions but come at something very differently, and it takes a lot of back & forth for us to finally get that we were on the same page (also a ton of accusations flying back and forth at first). Other times we just had to learn how to agree to disagree because there are differences in opinions that cannot be reconciled (a lot of the times it could be a difference in Ni & Ne e.g. i feel like he doesn't give possibilities enough weight and he thinks i'm off tangent and all over the place)
2) I am far more aware of my emotions & is prone to analyzing them to death. Since I'm in touch with my emotions & have a lot of clarity about them, this personally translates to a poetic expression of love. Sometimes I do yearn for the same kind of affection because of a need for 'words of affirmation', and expressing raw emotions eloquently is something hard for my INTJ to provide. But he tries, and that matters a lot.

Now with the joys
1) He is very accepting of me, and accepts my morbid philosophical musings without flinching. I have a profound sense of appreciation of this, because not many people can accept or even withstand my emotional complexity when it can threaten their fundamental beliefs/ values. They'd rather not put up with it or they just try to 'jolly' their way through it which is extremely invalidating to me. I'd rather someone engage in an active discussion about it with me than deflect it so that my thoughts don't throw off their inner equilibrium.
2) We're different, but similar enough - I've dated an ESTP and they are just WAY too different for any long term potential. The difference is enough for both of us to bring new perspective and insight to our relationship; I read somewhere that the ancient greeks used to advocate for a teacher-student relationship between lovers, and I find that somewhat true for the us. At times I can help him 'navigate' his emotions (or rather encourage him to find the source of his negativity) to raise self-awareness which can help with conflict resolution. On the contrary, he helps 'ground' me - a lot of the times I don't need someone to tell me what I'm feeling or what I have to do since I've already analzyed myself to death, but I need someone to tell me something in order to push me into doing something. Even if it's something I already know, he has this skill of saying something encouraging/giving me compliments like it's fact and not a matter of opinion which curiously helps. I also need someone to silently encourage me, by just being THERE & he understands that.
3) He is driven and passionate about his interests, and doesn't conform to societal pressures just for the sake of it. Neither is he defiant for the sake of it. He has integrity, and some values on education he is unwilling to compromise on, which is something I respect. I have a less defined drive in comparison - I don't slack off by any means, but I am definitely less focused in comparison.

I feel like for an INFP/INTJ pairing to work, both parties need to be mature. No surprises there. Communication needs a lot of work, so practice and openness to change/ ways of being is essential. We're creatures of habit, and having the ability to identify when refusal of change is transgressing something important (which is valid), and when change is just a stubborn refusal to depart from our subjective framework of reality is useful. This first step of recognising that someone you love doesn't necessarily experience reality the way you do is important IMO, and the INTJ has to understand this as well without belittling your way of experiencing reality. When both parties can recognise this, and their both open to change and growth in particular, then this can set a solid foundation for the relationship.

/off tangent
I wonder if I've typed my SO correctly, because I don't see my INTJ as an unfeeling robot (which is reflected in some of the responses here). Difficulty dealing with raw, intense emotions yes but devoid of emotions no. He gets really angry easily, and that can be quite grating/nerve-wrecking to me. So whenever my SO enjoys pointing out that he is logical bla bla bla, I like to point out that his outbursts don't make any logical sense to me -> I try to drive the point across that he is not a logical robot and he has to own these emotions and deal with them, not transpose and deflect his negative emotions into anger. He is never defensive about it, and is sometimes calmly open about this which is > than being defensive. I see this as a great strength... but often wonder why is this not spoken about.

 

Intjs are not unfeeling robots. Trust me. They feel emotions just anyone else. They aren't just as vocal about it as some do.

So whenever my SO enjoys pointing out that he is logical bla bla bla, I like to point out that his outbursts don't make any logical sense to me -> I try to drive the point across that he is not a logical robot and he has to own these emotions and deal with them, not transpose and deflect his negative emotions into anger. He is never defensive about it, and is sometimes calmly open about this which is > than being defensive. I see this as a great strength... but often wonder why is this not spoken about.

I noticed that they aren't defensive. I agree that's a good thing. I can be very defensive when hurt (im not intj so that explains it haha). But I haven't had any romantic relationship with any intj so some things you pointed out may only be apparent to those who have long time relationships with an intj.


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I'm hella single but my best friend is an INTJ. we get along great. I've also had romantic interests in another INTJ which he reciprocated but we live too far away to make it work. Another INTJ likes me but again is very far. We usually get along extremely well. My best friend and I have been friends from middle school so 7 1/2 years or so

I've noticed that I'm not nearly inclined to talk about deep feelings with them but you definitely can to a point

 

Currently with an INTJ and have been for about nine ish months? We're long distance but we see each other every month or so so we don't miss each other TOO much. (thats not true)

And honestly? It's been great. He is great in general, again I'm also surprised how surprisingly affectionate and sweet he is. (I first found out he was an INTJ before really getting to know him and I was influenced by the whole unfeeling robot stereotype.) Honestly, I've called him sappy many times, not afraid of physical affection at all. He's loyal, he's very patient, understanding and supportive when I'm going crazy with my meltdowns. He's also definitely the type to go out of his way for someone he cares about. Definitely one of the more 'mature' ones. (he is older by half a decade though so the added experience helps with any bumps and such.)

Though he doesn't really let me do the same for him.
Not that he really has meltdowns but he's definitely the more 'Work through it on his own' type and will usually try to burn off steam with video games or lifting weights rather than hugging it out and talking it over with me or something. (much macho).
In terms of communication, sometimes I struggle to follow his train of thought completely because of jargon or i just don't know what on earth he's talking about. He can get a little rambly at times about things, which I have once or twice just tuned out ><
not that he's ever held it against me.

 

Hello, hello! ♥
Not an INFP or an INTJ myself, pardon;; but I have downloaded Just Your Type: Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type by Paul D. Tieger and his wife, Barbara Barron-Tieger. The book includes each and every relationship between the types in detail, included what attracts the type to one another, what they bring to the relationship, and more so, focuses on the troubles that can arise from differences in personality and using that knowledge to help the reader learn in what ways they can be a more understanding spouse for their partner. Here's a little piece about the research that went into it:

"[The authors] designed an extensive, anonymous online survey to help them discover what people of all the sixteen types considered most important in a relationship. The users also told them about the most common sources of conflict and what they believed was the secret to a satisfying relationship. Respondents shared their experiences, hopes and disappointments. Specifically, they talked about the kinds of things that brought them closer to their partners and what drove them apart. Well over a thousand people participated in the survey: they represented each of the sixteen types, of all places, ages, educational and economic backgrounds, and all different types of relationships—very new ones, second and third marriages, and unions that have lasted more than fifty years.

[The authors] interviewed hundreds of couples of every combination about their relationships either over the phone or in person. These generous folks candidly shared their observations about their joys and frustrations. They spoke of their hard-won secrets of success and what they thought made their relationships satisfying. And, most important, they offered valuable advice for other couples of the same type combinations."​

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Here is what it has to say about relationships between INTJs + INFPs:

The Joys
INTJs and INFPs share a strong intellectual connection, which is often a source of great satisfaction. Both tend to have vivid imaginations and rich inner lives. Their mutual interest in possibilities and their ability to see how things relate give them a shared perspective that most find very stimulating. Essentially, both partners have a deep curiosity about theories, a great facility with complex ideas, and a tendency to focus on the new and the future. Discussing abstract concepts or global issues makes them feel in sync with each other. Additionally, INTJs and INFPs share a strong need for privacy and independence within the relationship. They understand and respect each other's desire for time alone and the chance to concentrate deeply and think things through fully. Since neither type tends to need a lot of outside stimulation, they often meet their social needs by spending time with a small group of close friends or colleagues. INFPs and INTJs tend to be quiet, intense couples who place a high value in respect and individuality. When conflicts arise, they tend to mull things over separately at first, then discuss things calmly and quietly. At their best, they are willing to listen fully and respectfully to each other and share their well-considered viewpoints.

INTJs and INFPs are also attracted to each other because of their differences. INTJs are drawn to the warmth, compassion and gentleness of INFPs, while INFPs are often attracted to the sense of purpose, conviction and confidence of INTJs. Also because of their differences, they have the opportunity to help each other grow and develop in important ways. INTJs help INFPs become more objective in their decision making and more organized, which helps them complete more of their projects. Many INFPs also credit their partners with helping them become more assertive. For their part, INFPs often help INTJs see the human impact of their decisions and develop an increased sensitivity and patience in all their relationships. INTJs frequently say that their partners add a rich and deeply intimate dimension to their lives and make it easier for them to understand and express their feelings.

The Frustrations
Generally, the most common conflicts for INTJs and INFPs stem from their different needs for closure. Issues about order, time and accountability tend to get to this couple. INTJs can be real sticklers for neatness, while INFPs usually don't care about or even notice the clutter on the kitchen counter, the piles of books beside the bed, or the missing check in the checkbook. INTJs are often exacting and even controlling about the ways things ought to be maintained, insisting that chores be completed in order and finances be carefully controlled. Different attitudes about time also create tension for these couples. INTJs tend to be prompt and focused on work and productivity, while INFPs have a more leisurely and easygoing approach to life, accommodating extenuating circumstances and enjoying spontaneous opportunities in everyday life. But INFPs also find themselves running late and struggling to be better organized. Although INTJs usually have plenty of advice for eliminating inefficiency, INFPs are rarely interested in actually implementing any of the logical time management strategies INTJs recommend. And since INFPs tend to take everything very personally, they quite easily and frequently get their feelings hurt by their naturally brusque and critical INTJ partners.

Because INFPs value emotional connention and intimacy in their relationships above all else, they often feel lonely or disconected from their partners when they are unwilling (or unable) to open up and share their personal feelings. Since most INTJs want to feel competent and in control at all times, they are seldom as comfortable sharing their feelings of confusion or fear as reasily as their partners may wish or even demand. So INFPs typically feel that INTJs are too critical and demanding, and INTJs feel that INFPs rely on guilt or emotional blackmail to force a connection. Unfortuantely, this can leave both partners feeling belittled and unapreciated. Utlimately, INTJs and INFPs need to fully and calmly think through their positions before coming together to discuss and share their feelings openly. They also need to make the time to hear each other out without criticism or judgement. Then they can engage their powerful intuition to find unique and satisfying solutions to challenges.

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How to Reach Your INFP Partner:

• Focus on the positive. Start by acknowledging and complimenting, not criticizing.
• Share your feelings, concerns and fears--don't hide them or bottle them up. Be gentle and tactful.
• Try to temper your natural competitiveness--with yourself and everyone else!
• Try not to impost too many rules and too much structure on your partner.
• Organize spontaneous activities just for the two of you. Surprise your partner.
• Listen without judgment. Your partner will see that as a sign of affection.

How to Reach Your INTJ Partner:

• Take a step back and try to see constructive crticism as a suggestion, not an attack.
• Initiate discussions and be patient with your partner's initial reluctance to share feelings. Demonstrate and model how to frame issues in a personal context.
• Be careful with money and talk about purchases before you make them.
• Appreciate your partner's good ideas. Thank your partner for his or her creativity.
• Try to be where you say you will be, when you say you will be. Call your partner or let them know ahead of time when you are going to be late.
• Be honest and direct; don't skirt around issues.
• Take on household chores. Your partner will see that as a sign of affection.

 

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After all of this, I think the reason I still loved this man was because of the genuineness. I haven't met anyone who is this true and innocent. His behavior of doubling down only existed because of the reactions he got from the outside world. The same way I people-pleased to avoid criticism.

Everything you said i believe is true. Especially the last paragraph. I so like a person who's true to himself / herself aka genuine. As you said, it's because i also put a face to avoid hurting others and in the end hurting myself or people please to avoid criticism / feel good.

After all it looks like infps do like people who can balance their emotional and sometimes radical self [emoji4]at least from most of the post or articles i read... Me included [emoji4]


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I don't think I could do it. I've read that if both have similar directions in life, and are emotionally healthy, this could be a golden pairing. I have read a lot of INTJ want a mind mate. At this point in life, I've tried to simplify a lot and minimize my thinking. Not because I'm not capable of deep thinking, but because sometimes my mind goes too far and I've found myself to be the source of my own unhappiness. I need someone who can catch me spiraling in to my head and fill it with positive encouragement. A healthy INTJ could do it, anyone could do it, but I don't think I could theoretically see myself being happy in a relationship with an INTJ.

Growing up there was always an Fe-Fi clash in the family from the parents and family members. I've never had a problem with Fe or Te, but I think I'd mesh better with an Fe dom long-term.

 

I am with an INTJ. We grew up together and have been together for years so things are sort of muddled. We are very comfortable with each other and it is usually pretty easy to be around him.

I remember when I met him how exciting it was to just be accepted. I have not felt so accepted for who I was by anyone else ever. I still feel like this when I am around him. I don't feel like what I say is strange or wrong which I feel like around most people.

When we are doing well, we can just talk about anything with each other and understand perfectly without too many words. When we are fighting, nothing we say makes any sense to the other one. It's like we are speaking completely different languages.

There was a time when we fought and misunderstood each other almost constantly. There were misunderstandings and miscommunications on both our parts. We would argue over the same things and I remember just trying to explain something to him every time we fought. I think he would go through the same thing with me as well. One thing I think might have taken a few years for me to completely explain to him in a way that he understood. It was very frustrating on both our parts. I think that was one of the hardest things for us, putting our arguments in terms that the other one would understand. We still struggle with this at times. Clarifying terms, definitions and questioning assumptions has helped with this.

We have sort of found some compromises and understandings for a few seemingly common issues between both of our types so I know it can be done. We still have some frustrations and revert back to old patterns and misunderstandings when fighting / under stress.

I always root for the INFP / INTJ relationship because I think we have a great deal to offer each other.

I like how he grounds me. When I am being emotional and trying to sort through my emotions he is able to pick out significant concepts that help clarify logically what I am worked up about.

I like how he is very protective about people and animals under his care. We found a feral kitten that we adopted. She had ringworm and had a very rough start with us and is very skittish around people. I had this idealization of what a human / cat relationship should be. He called me out on that and confronted me by telling me that this was the cat we had and we had to accept her for who she was and how far she had come. I realized that this was true and struggled to accept her for who she was. He saw how hard this was on me and decided to get her used to being petted. He would nicely make her submit to petting and got her used to it. Now, because of his actions, she will come up to us to be petted. If it were up to me, I would probably still be moping around with a skittish kitty. I love watching him feed her because he acts so tough with her and has a time that he imposed when she is supposed to be fed. If she asks early, he will always give in to her request. Every single night. An INTJ and his pet is a beautiful thing to see.

I see glimpses of this on the INTJ forum even though they aren't trying to put it out there. There is this sense of responsibility and commitment that is a very beautiful thing to me. I think that INFPs also can have a very strong sense of responsibility and commitment to their partners.